“Yes. Of course. Anything. It was good thinking. Good girl. Good, good—” Casey patted Ella’s back. “That was good. Yes.” She tried to figure out what to do. “I’m going to take you home now. We can kill Ted tomorrow.” She smiled at her friend, who looked progressively younger in her eyes. “Today, we need to take care of you. Come on, sweetheart. Let’s take you home. The doctor said you’re supposed to be—”
Ella let Casey lead her out of the terrace and said nothing in the elevator as Casey murmured kind words to her. Ella nodded listlessly.
She was concentrating on her baby’s blank face. For weeks and weeks, Ella had tried to imagine her baby’s face, and she couldn’t. After she found out that it was a girl, she wondered if the baby might have Ted’s face or his mother’s face. Somehow, she just knew the baby wouldn’t look like her. Maybe the baby would resemble her dad. She would like that. Or her mother.
Casey was saying things, but Ella couldn’t pay attention. When she thought of the baby’s face, she stopped thinking of dying. She wanted a name for the child. But she couldn’t think of one.
4 HOLDING PATTERN
THE DOORMAN HAD TO LET THEM into the apartment because Ella had locked herself out. He deserved a tip, but after paying for the taxi, Casey didn’t have anything left but a twenty in her wallet and felt shy about asking Ella. She’d need the money to order a pizza for Tina later. “I’m sorry, I don’t have much cash on me,” she whispered as he headed out.
He shrugged. “No, problem, honey.” The way the doorman said “honey” with a wink in his voice, as though he’d been there, too, reminded her of the grown men she’d known back home.
Once inside, Ella let Casey take off her coat and shoes. She lay down on her bed but refused to close her eyes. As she rested on her left side, her face softened and she blinked more than usual. Ella said nothing, resembling a sleepy, sad child.
“You should rest.”
“Why do you think he did it?” Ella asked. “I got fat, didn’t I?”
“You’re pregnant.”
“Is she thin?”
“You’re thinner than she is when you’re not pregnant. Stop this.”
“Is she beautiful?”
“Ella! No one is lovelier than you. Please.”
“Ted wants me to talk faster. Be more witty. I don’t know how to talk to his HBS friends. I never know if they’re just being polite or if they’re actually interested. I should read more, go to lectures.”
“Shh. . .” Casey placed her index finger over her lips. “You’re exquisite.” She paused for a moment to reflect on why Ella was significant to her. She wanted to give Ella something, and insight was a kind of gift. But Casey wanted to tell her something good, something true.
“You’re an incredibly kind person—you make me feel loved. Like I’m all right. Like”—Casey took a breath—“I’m forgiven.” The thought had taken her by surprise. “No one else does that. And I’ve never told you. And I should have.”
Ella’s face was unchanged, as if she hadn’t heard a word of what was said.
“Delia must be fascinating. I bet she’s funny. Ted loves funny people. I can’t remember jokes. I’m quiet and responsible. And she’s probably sexy. Why else would all those men. . . ?” Ella closed her eyes as if she were trying to shut out a memory.
“Hey! Delia doesn’t matter. Okay?”
“She’s your friend, too. Everybody wants to be with her.”
“No, no. You mustn’t think that. C’mon.”
“But you like her, too. You told me so a long time ago how much you enjoy seeing her. I was jealous, but I never told you. You can never see me for lunch.”
“But Delia works in my building. We don’t sit together and eat lunch. We walk to the cafeteria or the deli to grab something. Max—it’s twenty minutes round trip, and she and I both eat at our respective desks.” Was she actually justifying the time she spent with Delia? Casey had intentionally left out that at least once a month they met for a quick drink on the Wednesday nights before her millinery classes at FIT. It was a hoot because when she went to a bar with Delia, men sent them cocktails and business cards. Delia was the master of the quick bar kill—after she was done, carcasses littered the beer-stained floors. Casey had to admit that it was fascinating to witness a pro in play.
“I’ll never speak to her again. Is that what you want?” Casey meant this even though that wasn’t what she wanted. Regardless, Ella deserved that much.