“Unfortunately.”
“Wanna talk about it?”
I sigh again, leaning the chair back on two legs and staring at a point above Cauler’s head. I don’t want to talk about it. Talking brings up emotions, and emotions in this situation would be very, very bad. But he obviously wants to talk about it.
“What do you want me to say?” I ask. It’s a total fuckboy response, but it’s all I can manage.
“I want you to tell me what you want,” he says without hesitation. His face is the blankest I have ever seen it. I don’t like it. He’s usually so expressive. I hate that it’s my fault he looks like this. “I know you were flirting with Sierra last night, and that’s whatever. But if that’s how it’s going to be, I need you to tell me now so I can decide what to do with it.”
I swallow, hard, moving my eyes down to the floor. The small garbage can next to his roommate’s desk is overflowing with balled-up papers. His comforter hangs half off the bed, a pile of laundry on the end of the mattress. Meanwhile, Cauler’s side is immaculate. It makes me think about what his room at home might look like. If it’s just as clean because he lived in Green Bay the past couple years. If he made a mess of it this summer.
“What I want doesn’t matter,” I say. My voice is choked. I press a fist to my lips and take a deep breath. “Even what we’re doing now is dangerous. People take pictures of us and put them online, what if someone sees us—” I cut myself off and clear the emotion out of my throat.
“So do you want to stop, then?” He’s stopped fidgeting, sitting completely still as his eyes burn right through me, unblinking. I shift uncomfortably, the chair creaking beneath me.
Stopping would be for the best. No more hickeys to explain away, for one. No chance of someone getting a poorly timed picture of us being careless on campus.
I rub the back of my neck, avert my gaze to Cauler’s open closet and its row of mostly black shirts. “I mean … no.”
Cauler doesn’t say anything. I can see him looking at me out of the corner of my eye, but I can’t bring myself to look back at him. I cross my arms, slouch down in the seat. Click my tongue against the roof of my mouth just to fill some of the awkward silence.
It lasts a few good … long … seconds, before Cauler huffs this kind of disbelieving laugh and shakes his head. He rubs his eyes and looks so tired when he says, “Jesus, Terzo.”
My pulse spikes. I sit up straight. “What? Now what?”
He shakes his head. “You’re such a … little shit.” He says it like a groan. Like I am causing him physical pain.
“Why is it all on me anyway?” I ask. “You said you know what you want, so why don’t you tell me?”
He drags his hands down his face and sits up, planting his feet flat on the floor. He looks me dead-on and says, “I don’t want to be just an option for you. I’m not asking for some strict commitment or to be boyfriends or anything. Just, if you’re gonna start messing around with someone else, I’m not sticking around for it.”
I finally meet his eyes, chewing on the inside of my cheek. It’s a simple request, and an easy one to agree to. But part of me is a little disappointed that he didn’t ask for a strict commitment. I mean, I’d probably say no. It’s too risky, too likely to end painfully for both of us. But I can dream, right?
“That’s fine,” I say.
He studies me for a second, his face unreadable. He takes in a sharp breath and says, “Wanna stay tonight?”
“What about your roommate?” I ask.
Cauler rolls his eyes. “He tried to bring a fucking Ouija board in here with a bunch of his friends, so I kicked him out. Told him not to come back till he’s sure he’s not possessed.”
“Seriously?”
“Yeah. I guess he thought since I listen to screamo and wear black clothes, I’d be chill with it? I don’t know.”
“So you planning on a single next year, then?”
“Nah. Going for a triple with Barbie and Doll Face.”
“Oh.” I swear my heart sinks all the way to my toes. The three of them sharing a room. Without me. While I’m off living with one of my veteran teammates in a city that’s to be determined. I stand up before I can fall into that spiral and take off my jacket. “Yeah, I’ll stay.”
He pulls his legs up onto his bed and makes room for me. I kick my shoes off in the middle of the room and settle in beside him.