Despite my feelings for him and how tempting the idea of pretending to be related to a supermodel was, I knew it wasn’t for me.
‘Babe, it’s a place where every coffee shop is full of wannabe writers. It is literally a farm for writers. On top of that, are you forgetting that I’m a black woman? It’s twice as hard for me. Seye, if I go, it needs to be on my own terms. I’m at the beginning of my career and I’m still figuring it out. We can make it work long distance—’
I was sat cross-legged on my bed while he paced in front of me, topless and in his sweats. It almost dissolved my resolve.
‘This is precisely the right time to go. There’s nothing at stake, nothing to lose.’
I could tell by the way his face fell that he knew he’d made a mistake as soon as he’d said it. I was a writer’s assistant then, aka a coffee and admin. bitch, fetching teas and hoping that somebody would be able to see in the tea leaves that I had the capacity to write an award-winning episode. I was a long way from my dreams, but I felt them inching closer – I thought he could feel that too. My heart dropped into my stomach.
‘My career and my dreams are nothing to lose?’
He sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. ‘TiTi, that’s not what I mean, I just— you’re the most talented person I know. You’re so smart, and I just feel like it’s wasted here. It’s time for you to take charge of your future—’
‘As long as it’s in line with what you want?’
‘You loved LA when we visited! Said you could move there. And now suddenly it’s a problem because I’ve got an opportunity there and you haven’t? Does this relationship only work when our careers are at the same stage?’
I felt like somebody had kicked me in the stomach. Tears sprang into my eyes. It was the first time he’d ever made me cry.
‘You’re being a dick.’
Regret shadowed his face. ‘I know. I’m sorry—’
‘Your wins are my wins. I couldn’t be prouder of you. And sure, I said, maybe one day I could move there. But not like this . . . not living off my boyfriend while I flounder around—’
‘TiTi, I want to do that for you. You know I don’t care about that.’
‘Okay, but I do, Seye! This is how I’m taking charge of my future!’
I was trying to slow my breathing, trying to ignore the fact that the fragments of my world were swilling in the air, torn from each other, jagged edged. I still hoped I could pluck them from suspension, put them together again, despite knowing the truth, feeling it. Seye swallowed and sat next to me, defeated.
‘We don’t fight. We don’t do this. What the hell is happening to us, Tiara?’
I turned to face him, feeling as if an anvil was pressed into my chest. ‘I don’t know.’
He exhaled deeply and looked at me with gleaming eyes. ‘Isn’t this relationship enough for you?’
I stared at him in disbelief. ‘Don’t do that. Don’t you dare make this about my love for you, because you know—’
He shook his head, eyes flashing with annoyance. ‘Apparently, I don’t know shit, T. Because I thought it was me and you against the world. This is what we agreed. You with writing, me with acting. We were gonna be on our Bey & Jay shit—’
‘Jay cheated.’
‘Bey & Jay pre the first On The Run tour.’ Damn. I’d really taught him well. ‘The point is I thought we were gonna take it on together—’
‘Seye, we still can! We’re a team. We can do Facetime, visits—’ I could hear the desperation in my voice fighting against the descending reality that was thickening the air. I could barely breathe. He gave me a look that made all the floating fragments of my world crash to the floor.
‘Tiara, I don’t know when I’m going to come back. Or if I’m going to come back. And you don’t know when you want to move to LA. Or if you want to.’ He paused and leant his elbows on his knees, burying his face into his hands. For a moment we both just sat there in the stillness of our sadness, the inevitability of our demise sinking into our bones. It was summer and the sun was setting, orange light softly beaming into the dark of my room, ‘Right Here’ by SWV flowing through an open window, mingling with the taut air. I would have laughed at the irony if I hadn’t been crying. Eventually Seye lifted his head from his hands. His eyes were bloodshot, and when he spoke, his voice was croaked.
‘TiTi, who else am I gonna do this with? My family didn’t think I could do this, but you always did. You read lines with me. You’re the one who told me to go for it. I really don’t want to do this without you by my side.’