She paused. ‘Oh. What?’
It clicked in my brain what I was trying to say.
‘I don’t think about myself having sex,’ I said.
Rooney frowned, then she snorted, and then, upon realising I wasn’t joking, she frowned again. ‘What do you think about then? Other people?’
‘… Yeah.’
‘Like … people you know?’
‘Ew, no. Oh my God. More like … made-up people in my brain.’
‘Hm.’ Rooney let out a deep breath. ‘So … you don’t think about having sex with Jason?’
‘No!’ I exclaimed. The thought of having sex with Jason freaked me out. ‘People don’t – people don’t actually do that, do they?’
‘What, fantasise about someone they have a crush on?’
As soon as she said it, I realised how obvious it was. Of course people did that. I’d seen it dozens of times in movies and on TV and in fanfics.
‘This is going to be harder than I thought,’ said Rooney.
‘Oh.’
‘OK, so. Question Two. Who was the celebrity you last got off to?’
I blinked. ‘People definitely don’t do that.’
‘Do what?’
‘Get off to pictures of celebrities.’
‘Uh, yes they do. I have a folder of shirtless pics of Henry Cavill on my laptop.’
I laughed.
Rooney did not.
‘What?’ she asked.
I genuinely thought she was joking. ‘I thought that was just a movie thing. You really just … look at abs and that does it for you?’
‘I mean … yeah.’ Rooney looked a little put out. ‘What, is that not normal?’
I had no idea what was normal. Maybe nothing was normal. ‘I just don’t get the appeal. Like … abs are just lumpy stomachs.’
This made Rooney laugh loudly. ‘OK. Fine. Question Three –’
‘How are there more questions –’
‘Sex dreams. What happened in your last sex dream?’
I stared at her. ‘Seriously?’
‘Yes!’
I started to say that I’d never had a sex dream, but that wasn’t strictly true. I’d had a dream a couple of years back where in order to pass my exams I had to have sex with a guy in my class. He was waiting on my bed, naked, and I kept walking in and out of my bedroom, fully clothed, not quite able to work up the courage to go through with it. It wasn’t a nightmare, but it gave me that same feeling of a nightmare where you’re trying to run away from a demon but your legs are moving like they’re stuck in sludge, and the demon is catching up with you, but you can’t move properly, and you’re about to die.
On second thoughts, I wasn’t sure that counted as a sex dream.
‘I don’t have sex dreams,’ I said.
Rooney stared back at me. ‘What … ever?’
‘Does everyone have sex dreams?’
‘Well … I don’t know, now.’ Rooney looked almost as confused as me. ‘I assumed it was kind of an everyone thing, but … I mean, I guess it’s not.’
I almost regretted bringing this up with her. For someone who’d had a lot of sex, Rooney didn’t seem to understand it any better than I did. Making a snap decision, I grabbed my phone again. ‘I am going to message Pip.’
‘Yes. Please get her involved. I want to know what she thinks.’
I gave Rooney a look. ‘You’re very interested in what Pip thinks about sex, huh?’
Rooney spluttered. ‘Uh – no, actually, no. I just – I just wanted a third opinion and she’s the most likely person to overshare.’
Georgia Warr
apologies for the late-night message but i have a question, dear friend Felipa Quintana
It better not be about the group chat name because I will defend ‘a midsummer night’s dab’ until I die Georgia Warr
i respect the dab, it’s not about that
soooooo
me and rooney are having a conversation about sex right now Felipa Quintana
OOOOH
Okay I’m in
Georgia Warr
my question is . . . . . .
do you have sex dreams?
Felipa Quintana
Lol WOW
Georgia Warr
you don’t have to answer if it’s too personal haha but also i have seen you pee multiple times
we know each other probably too well by this point for the record, rooney is here and wants to know your answers Felipa Quintana
Wow hi rooney
Yeah I’ve had sex dreams
Not like looooads