He shrugged, clearly trying to sound casual. “We could jam all the time. All you wanted. It would be so fun.”
Suddenly the room felt smaller.
“This is a great place. And I like you a lot.” As Toby began to rub my neck, I said gently, “But I can’t move in with you, you know that.”
He was quiet then, still massaging. I had hurt his feelings. Always hurting feelings. That’s me! Mean ol’ Cassie. I remembered how kind he had always been. I knew he was just trying to be supportive, but Nora’s look came back to me, her silent message.
Toby’s hands dug harder, moving down to my shoulders. I dipped out from underneath his grip and stood up. “I mean, come on, Toby. As if I could just breeze over here.”
He lifted his hands and left the room. I took a deep breath.
“I’m sorry,” I called. “You know I have to keep up appearances with Luke.”
“Of course. You have to keep up appearances with Luke. Your husband.” Something banged in the kitchen. I sighed and padded into the other room. When he saw me, his face tightened further.
I paused in the doorway. “I’m giving everything I have to make a career. This is already not easy, and I can’t take on anything else right now.”
“If you don’t want to commit to me, that’s fine, but don’t pretend like I’m the cause of more stress,” he said, pouring olive oil into a pan. “I’m a good thing in your life. Not that bullshit you have to do with Luke. I’m real.”
I stepped toward him. “I’m not saying we aren’t good together. I’m just . . .” It wasn’t about just keeping up the lie anymore. I was worried about Luke. He wasn’t the same. And it shouldn’t have bothered me, but it did. I didn’t want to create a bigger gap between us than there already was. Luke and I had to get through this together. Or we at least had to try. “I just like it the way it is with us.”
“I don’t understand,” he said, throwing garlic in the pan. “You always tell me how you’re doing this for me and The Loyal, but when I’m offering to make it easier for you, you refuse.”
I remembered Nora’s hands on Fleetwood Friday, the choking motion. He’s going to try to lock you down. “I’d rather no one ‘offer’ me anything. I’d rather make it for myself, thanks.”
He turned on the gas, staring at the flames licking. “Well, good luck with that.”
My capacity was full. Luke, Yarvis, the band, work, health, Mom, everything. Toby had his piece of my attention, but he wanted more and I couldn’t give it to him. I had no more left.
“Don’t insult my choices.”
“I wasn’t—” Toby started, but I was already in the living room, putting my keyboard in its case. I had a song to master.
“I have to go,” I called to him. I could hear the oil searing. He didn’t follow me out.
Luke
Cassie burst through the door, talking on the phone, her steps rushed. The door slammed behind her as she kicked off her Converses, her keyboard case on her back. She looked at me, probably aware, as always, that I was in the same position I’d been in when she left.
All I’d been doing was feeling. I’d been sitting here, thinking of closing Frankie’s eyes. Thinking of my mom. The outline of my mom. Of everything, everyone, I’d lost.
And now Johnno was back. It could have been someone else, but even though I didn’t see the Bronco last week, I’d known it was Johnno. He had not only misunderstood what severance meant, he also couldn’t wrap his head around the fact that I couldn’t give him the amount he wanted until I was discharged later this year. Time didn’t matter to Johnno. Other people’s lives didn’t matter to Johnno, unless he was at the center. And now he was coming for mine, for Cassie’s.
“I’m just saying, maybe you were right about Toby,” Cassie said into the phone, and hushed her voice when she saw me. “I just don’t know what we would do about the Sahara show. That’s the one the Wolf Records guy is going to be at. I mean, do I throw it all away because I’m mad?”
Cassie’s friend’s voice mumbled on the other end.
“Right,” she said, pulling the strap of her purse over her head, setting it down. “Yeah.” She tossed her keys on the table. “Okay. Love you, Nora. Bye.” She hung up.
I heard her start to set up her keyboard in her room.
The buzz from this dose was glorious. This was a whole new level of cloud head. And Cassie was in a fight with Toby. I didn’t know why this made me happy, only that it did.