I knew where he was going with that and I didn’t want to hear it. I climbed off the bed and grabbed my shorts from the dresser.
“You only slept five hours,” Knox said, climbing off the bed. “You need to sleep more than that.”
I yanked my shorts up my legs and buttoned them. “No.”
“Shiloh,” he grumbled.
I ignored him and stormed toward the door.
As I was walking down the hall, toward the living room, Knox’s angry voice sounded right behind me. “What’s the plan, then? Go another week refusing to fucking sleep?”
“Hey, now,” Keelan said, walking into the living room from the dining room. He appeared a little surprised as he looked from me to Knox behind me.
“How I choose to deal is my business,” I snapped over my shoulder.
My wrist was grabbed, and I was yanked around. Knox stared down at me with fury burning in his eyes. “That’s the thing. You aren’t dealing with anything.”
I yanked my wrist free.
“You’re spiraling, Shiloh. If you don’t fucking admit it and let us help you, we’re done,” Knox said.
His threat almost knocked me off my feet.
“You don’t get to decide that for us,” I heard Creed snap. I glanced across the room and saw him and Colt standing by the hall that led to their side of the house.
I looked back at Knox. His angry gaze was fixed on me. “I will not sit back and watch you hurt my brothers because you refuse to help yourself.”
I stumbled back a step. His words really did feel like physical blows to my soul.
He was right. I was hurting them. I’d seen it this morning when I’d heard the pain in Colt’s voice.
I was hurting them because I was a coward.
I deserved this.
Creed argued with Knox. I could see them shouting back and forth at each other, but I couldn’t hear them. Not over the booming in my ears. My feet numbly moved away from them. I grabbed my keys from the bowl and walked out the door. I felt a little bit of pain under my bare feet as I walked home, but it was the tightness in my chest that held most of my attention. It was so tight, I couldn’t pull enough air into my lungs. Pressure began to pulsate behind my eyes and face, making me feel dizzy.
My legs gave out on me just as I reached the steps of my porch. Down I went and I smacked my head on the bottom step. The pain shocked me—shocked my lungs open, and I was able to suck in air with a long gasp. I brought my hand to my temple as I pushed myself back to my feet. I felt a tear in my skin. I pulled my hand away and something wet rolled down the side of my face and down my neck. I looked at my hand. It was covered in blood.
I went up the steps and unlocked the door. I struggled for a second getting the door open. My bloody hand kept slipping around the knob. Once inside, I disarmed and rearmed the alarm, my bloody fingers leaving smeared prints on the keys. Blood dripped off my face onto the wood floor by my toes.
I stared at the dots, wondering if this was all I was ever going to know. Blood and never-ending pain. If so, I didn’t want to do this anymore.
Why had I fought so hard?
I couldn’t remember the reason, or the strength I’d conjured that night.
Where had it gone?
My chest became tight again.
I was scared.
I needed my mom.
I ran to my bedroom and ripped open my closet. I crawled all the way to the back corner, under a section of hanging clothes. I brought my knees to my chest and I gave up.
13
“Shiloh?” my mom called before my closet door opened. She spotted me sitting all the way in the back, my knees tucked to my chest. “What are you doing in here?” she asked as she bent over to look at me, concern etched around her eyes.
“I feel like I can’t breathe,” I said.
“Oh, honey,” she said, kneeling down and grabbing my hand. “Come here.” She pulled me to her and wrapped her arms around me.
“I don’t know how much longer I can do this,” I cried into her shoulder.
“Don’t say that.”
“I feel like he’s always watching me. Like I can’t get free. Why won’t he leave me alone?!”
Her arms squeezed so tight around me and I thought I heard her sniffle. Her chest shook as she exhaled. “Listen to me,” she said, grabbing my shoulders and making me look at her. She looked determined and fierce. Only the slight pink tint in her eyes showed she might have been crying. “If you give up, he wins. We can’t let him win. You are strong enough to withstand this.”
“I don’t think I am.”