She bursts out crying, flinging herself at me. “You’re the best friend I’ve ever had, Viv, and it’s not because you bought me a car, you crazy bitch.” Sniffling, she eases back, swiping her tears away. “You have helped me more than you realize. I see your strength and your humility and your amazing heart, and it inspires me to be a better person.”
“You are a good person, Ash. One of the best I know.”
“I don’t think I’ve ever had a true friend before you. I don’t have this bond with Cat. I can tell you anything, and I know you’ll never judge. I will miss you more than words.”
“This isn’t goodbye, Ash. Only goodbye for now.” Reeve’s face appears in my mind’s eye, and I hear him telling me that back in January. A pang of longing sweeps over me, and what I wouldn’t give for one of Reeve’s hugs now.
“I am seriously in shock.” Ash tosses the keys in her palm. “I can’t believe you bought me a car.”
“You’re welcome. I feel happier knowing you’re not risking life and limb taking the bus,” I joke, trying to bolster my mood. “I need one last favor.”
“Anything. You know that.”
Walking to my room, I retrieve the special edition Fender from my closet.
She gasps when I arrive back in the kitchen with it. “I got this for Dillon. I had hoped our last night would go differently, and I had planned on giving it to him myself. Will you see he gets it?”
“He doesn’t fucking deserve it,” she snaps, still mad at her brother.
Taking it out of the case, I run my fingers over his name etched into the wood.
“Jesus, Viv. It’s beautiful. He’s going to feel like such an ass when I give this to him.” She folds her arms across her chest. “If it didn’t have his name on it, I’d probably have given this to Jamie.”
I burst out laughing. “At least you’re honest.”
“Then I’d take it back off him when he did something to piss me off and give it to my brother when he redeemed himself.” She traces her fingers over the guitar strap where Toxic Gods is embedded in the leather.
“Look after him for me,” I say in case he doesn’t come through as I hope.
“I will if you promise to look after yourself.”
“Always.” If there’s one thing I’ve learned on this journey of self-discovery, it’s that I can’t care for anyone if I don’t care for myself first.
“This isn’t goodbye, Viv.” Ash hugs me close. “It is only goodbye for now. I feel that deep in my bones as if it’s been ordained by God himself.”
I don’t know if she’s right. I guess time will tell.
61
Dillon doesn’t show. I dropped the letter in his mailbox, and I know there were people inside because music and laughter vibrated through the door. Someone would have found it and given it to him. I frantically pace the floor in the boarding area, glancing every few seconds at the clock on the wall, peering down the hallway, hoping to see his white-blond head racing toward me, but it never does. I wait to board until the very last second, only doing so when the flight attendant states the flight will leave without me if I don’t go now. Momentarily, I consider skipping the flight and returning to Dillon’s apartment, but I can’t. I laid my heart on the line tonight. It was his turn to prove he meant what he said Sunday night, and he’s failed me.
I manage to hold the tears at bay until the plane lifts in the air, leaving Ireland and my love behind, and I can’t contain my heartache any longer. Clutching Dillon’s pillow to my chest, I sob to my heart’s content, uncaring I’m making a scene. Thumbing through the photo album he bought me only makes it worse. Dillon helped me choose every pic, and every photo holds a precious memory. Burying my face in the album, I cry louder, and it truly feels like my heart is broken beyond repair this time.
Hysterical laughter breaks through my snotty tears as a thought lands in my mind. How ironic I spent the plane ride to Ireland sobbing over Reeve, and now I'm just as heartbroken leaving the Emerald Isle, crying endless tears over another man.
Only I could do this to myself.
Is it possible to be both healed and wounded? To feel whole and broken at the same time? Because that’s how I feel. Like the part of me that was broken and lost on the way over has been mended—Dillon’s love played a big part in helping me to reach that point—but now other parts of me are damaged, and I’m feeling more lost than ever.