He ties off the condom and puts it in the trash while I push my skirt down and rebutton my blouse.
I have no idea how to gracefully extricate myself from this situation. I want to leave and I want to stay, and I wish I could press pause on this moment just long enough to figure out which of those things is the right response.
He meets my eye, a small grin on his face. 揟old you you抎 beg.?
I stiffen. It抯 not like I expected him to write me a love poem now, but I wasn抰 ready for this. I wasn抰 ready for him to act like it was all a fucking game, and why I ever expected anything more of Ben is beyond me. It抯 a lesson I抳e had hammered home more than anyone alive.
It shouldn抰 hurt, but it does.
I walk straight out of his office, grabbing my purse from the conference room and heading for the elevator. I can抰 imagine why I抦 so bitterly disappointed. I can抰 imagine why I feel so beaten and bereft. I haven抰 actually lost anything.
The elevator doors slide open and I step inside.
揋emma,?he calls after me, zipping up his pants. 揊uck. Gemma, wait. It was a joke.?
The elevator doors shut and I let my weight sag against them. My God, I will never fucking learn.
On my last day at Stadler, I was escorted out by a security guard, as if I was a criminal. A group of male partners sat inside a glass-walled conference room watching梞en with all the power, who thought nothing of destroying a young female if it made their lives a little easier.
Meg and Kirsten watched too. Impassively, without an ounce of guilt.
I was ashamed and I was horrified, but most of all, I was angry. Fuck all of you, I thought, every last one of you.
And, really, I never stopped thinking it. About them. About everyone.
It was a good strategy.
18
I wake in the morning to find my pajamas missing and the sheets stuck to me. The entire night was basically one long, pornographic dream about Ben. A dream he kept ruining by saying, 揑 told you you抎 beg?at the end.
In my head, he抯 now said it a thousand times, and that smirk of his gets a little more smug and evil in each iteration.
He抯 texted several times. It was a joke. A stupid, poorly timed one, he said. And then: Fuck. Will you please say something?
Forget about it, I replied. I already have.
Even if it isn抰 true, it should be, and that抯 the best I can do for now.
I take extra care getting ready for work. I wear my Louboutins with a skirt that shows slightly more leg than normal. 揟his is not for him,?I tell my reflection as I apply mascara.
It抯 solely for me, so I can exude confidence. And if it happens to make him extra regret the way he behaved, that抯 okay too.
I call Keeley on the way to work. 揑 think I sold my soul to the devil last night.?
揧ou抮e a lawyer. You did that a long time ago.?
She may have a point. 揊ine. So, I sold him my soul and then I had sex with him on his desk.?
Her gasp is pure drama. 揃en? You didn抰。？
I pinch the bridge of my nose. 揑 did.?
揃ut how??she demands. 揧ou hate each other!?
揑 know!?I cry, letting my head fall back against the seat. 揃ut I threw a shoe at him and厰
She laughs. 揂re you seriously going to tell me throwing a shoe at him led to sex??
Someone behind me honks though the light just changed, so I give him the finger. 揥ell, no. He told me I had to beg to get it back and then he put it on my foot and厰
揥hy was he putting it on your foot, Cinderella? Why didn抰 you make him hand it to you like a normal person??
揑 don抰 know,?I tell her, because I抦 too embarrassed to admit the truth: I wanted to see what would happen. I wanted to see how far he would go, and梐pparently桰 was hoping he抎 take it just as far as he did. And it was so fucking good, until he opened his big mouth.
揌ow did you leave things??she asks.
I hiccup a sad laugh made of misery and self-loathing. 揌e said 慖 told you you抎 beg.?
Her inhale tells me all I need to know. I didn抰 overreact at all. 揥hat. A. Dick.?
揌e tried to say it was a joke, but厰
揊uck that guy,?she says. 揊reeze him out.?
揑 know,?I reply. It抯 the only thing I can do, under the circumstances.
After arriving at work, I stride into the office with purpose, a polite smile plastered on my face as I greet everyone. Because absolutely nothing is wrong.
There are roses on my desk. For a regrettable half-second I soften, before common sense prevails and I抦 enraged by those too. If I hadn抰 gotten in so early, half the office might have seen them in here and would have spent the day discussing it.
I put them into the trash, which I hide on my side of the desk, and am shredding the card without reading it just as Terri walks in and shuts the door behind her. 揥hat抯 wrong??she demands.