I wouldn抰 make me partner either.
I march out of the meeting as fast as I can and head straight for the elevator with Ben at my heels.
My finger stabs at the button to go downstairs. 揂re you following me??
揂re you running out of here early because you抮e scared of my devastating sexual appeal??
I roll my eyes. 揧ou抳e now fucked me twice. Once last night and once at today抯 meeting. That seems like enough.?
His nostrils flare. 揕awson抯 the biggest case either of us have. Of course, I was going to discuss it. You抎 have done the same thing.?
He抯 right. If I抎 gone first, I抎 have discussed Lawson, as if I抎 done all the work on my own too. I抎 have delighted in it.
I step into the elevator and he follows. I walk clear to the other side and hold my bag to my chest, as if to ward him off.
He glances over at me and his nostrils flare once more. 揧ou抮e impossible.?
I laugh. 揙h, is this the part where you act like a dick and make it out to be my fault? We抳e managed to move through all the stages of a relationship without actually having one. Impressive.?
His jaw is locked tight. 揑 made a mistake. I admitted it. I抳e apologized until I抦 blue in the face. But you are hell bent on seeing the worst in me no matter what.?
The elevator doors open, and I walk out, grateful to escape his clean, testosterone-scented air. 揘o, because I don抰 see anything in you at all,?I reply. 揋o play your games with someone else. Or better yet, don抰。 Grow the fuck up and stop treating women like pawns.?
19
For the next week, Ben and I avoid each other like the plague. We converse only via email, which is absent even the barest hints of cordiality. No thanks, no let me know if you need anything, no regards in the signature line.
To: Ben Tate
From: Gemma Charles
We need to file the motion by Wednesday.
* * *
To: Gemma Charles From: Ben Tate
Send to me for review before submission.
* * *
To: Ben Tate From: Gemma Charles
Motion attached.
* * *
To: Gemma Charles From: Ben Tate
Send it.
* * *
I fly into a silent rage at each of those emails, at the way he抯 treating me, as if I need his fucking supervision. I抦 the only one of us who抯 ever even handled a gender discrimination suit. Our whole strategy was my idea.
But underneath it all, I just feel lost. I was fueled by viciousness and vengeance before, yes, but also hope: hope that my life could eventually be something that makes me happy. Without that, it all feels wrong. When I listen to a client rant about making her husband pay, when I sneak out of the office pretending to go to lunch so I can coach another one of Victoria抯 friends before she goes into court, when I walk into my empty apartment at night匢 sense that things have gone drastically off-course and I抦 not sure they can be set right.
And I have no idea why I抦 taking it all so hard. Ben was never what I wanted. He was a shameful mistake I made, but I抳e bounced back from shameful mistakes before. My mom can tell something抯 wrong, but I抦 not sure how to explain it to her when I can抰 even explain it to myself, so I simply go out of my way to avoid that conversation.
揝o what are you watching??I ask when I call her.
揌e抯 a neurosurgeon and so is she,?my mother replies. 揃ut they won抰 admit they like each other.?
揂nd they both hate their jobs,?I continue, 揵ut he actually has inherited an old farm the two of them are going to refurbish after she realizes she no longer wants the big-city life??
My mom laughs. 揘o, actually, she really likes her job. So does he.?
I frown. 揥ell, I don抰 see how that could possibly work out well. That doesn抰 even sound like a Hallmark movie.?
揑t抯 Grey抯 Anatomy. I抦 on the fifth episode.?
揑 tried to get you to watch that for years and you refused!?
It takes her a moment too long to answer. 揑 used to only want to watch things about happy people,?she says quietly. 揘ow I抦 wondering if I did you a disservice.?
My scalp prickles. 揥hat do you mean??
揧ou were so angry at your father over the divorce. You seemed so broken by how far he took things. I thought I needed to give you examples of these perfect romances, and I liked them, but I worry now卼hat I抳e set you up to want something that might not exist.?
The words 搈ight not exist?kill me. And it抯 less for me than it is for her. I know how badly she has wanted someone to come along, someone so wonderful that everything she suffered at my father抯 hands would finally make sense. She wants to be able to say, 揑 went through hell, but I wound up in a better place?and I want it for her just as much.
揗om,?I say, 搒ure it exists. You抮e going to find someone.?