I sigh. 揑 guess it could have been worse then. Here, let me get out my notes so you can get back to your daughter.?
揟ake your time,?she says. 揑 never get to eat lunch out anymore.?
I pull myself together enough to ask her the questions on my list. She tells me the same story Leona did about the strip clubs and names a slew of men who went to them, at least one of whom was a vice president at the time. I抎 hoped I could push her into testifying, but I don抰 have it in me today. When the meal concludes, I simply hand the waitress my credit card and thank Lauren for her time. Maybe it抯 for the best the reservation at Ardor wasn抰 for me, since there won抰 be much to celebrate.
揝o is Fiducia going to get away with this crap??she asks as we stand to leave.
揑抦 not sure,?I reply. I抦 too disheartened for optimism today. 揗en will call you weak if you抮e soft, and they抣l call you abrasive if you抮e not soft. They抳e set it up so there抯 no way for us to succeed, and they get away with most of it.?
She bites her lip. 揥ill Fiducia have to apologize, if Margaret wins??
揧es,?I reply with grim certainty. 揑抣l make sure of it.?
I walk down the hill to the ferry. I haven抰 even climbed on board before Lauren texts to say she抣l testify.
I got exactly what I came here for. It doesn抰 feel like much of a victory, though.
38
I get back to LA early Friday evening. I have no intention of seeing Ben, but he just shows up at my door, having gotten my flight info from Terri.
I want him to go away, but it feels like I抣l either scream or burst into tears if I try to address this in person, which means it抯 better left to email or text梥omewhere I can remain in control.
He kisses me, and if he notices how stiff I am as it happens, he doesn抰 say so.
揑 was just about to go to the store,?I lie. 揂nd then I抦 going to bed.?In truth I was planning to eat a handful of chocolate chips and reevaluate my life, but I need to get him out of my apartment first.
He says he抣l come with me and I immediately regret the lie. I don抰 feel like going through the ruse of shopping in addition to the ruse of not being mad at him.
He asks how the trip to Seattle went and I answer, but I抦 growing steadily angrier as we walk to the elevator. How can he be the guy who shows up at my apartment the second my flight lands, and also be the guy who lies to my face? How could he push so hard for me to let him in, to lean on him, when he never intended to stick around?
We walk into the store and he grabs us a cart. He抯 talking about deposing Lauren quickly before she changes her mind, and I抦 thinking about him holding me after I talked to my mom the other night. He should never have gone down this path with me in the first place, should never have pushed me to invite him over and take a trip out of town with him. It抯 utter bullshit that he led me on the way he did.
揥hat should we make??he asks.
I thought I could do this, but I can抰。 I抦 not letting him back into my apartment, making dinner by his side as if nothing抯 gone wrong.
揝ome marcona almonds and a little Manchego. I don抰 feel like cooking.?I抣l claim to have a headache as we leave and send him on his way.
He raises a brow. 揇on抰 you think you ought to learn how to make a few meals for your widowed veterinarian??
The widowed veterinarian. Yes. Someone who won抰 cheat, who won抰 trade up, who won抰 claim he抯 seeing his family when he抯 taking another woman to a Michelin-starred restaurant.
揑 kind of pictured him doing most of the cooking,?I reply, feeling vicious now, more myself. 揙r I pictured becoming the kind of person who enjoys cooking.?
揇o you have a timeline for when this magnificent transformation will take place??He smirks. 揥hen you suddenly want to take time off work and cook??
Rage is turning me into the woman I become in court sometimes梤uthless and without mercy梐nd I welcome it. The Castrator wouldn抰 weep like a child over some cheating asshole. She抎 just remind him she has all those extra teeth. 揑t won抰 happen overnight,?I reply. 揟he widowed veterinarian has to teach me how to slow down and smell the roses first.?
揜ight,?he says a little dourly. 揑 want to see how many shoes you throw the first time a man tries to provide you with advice on how to live.?
揑t will be different with him. Because he抣l be wise. Like Dumbledore.?
揑 guess that explains why you抮e taking those walks in the country,?he mutters, 揵ecause I don抰 see you begging Dumbledore to fuck you harder.?
He抯 jealous of a hypothetical future husband while planning to take out a very non-hypothetical woman tomorrow night. What gives him the fucking right?
揌e抣l be so good at it,?I reply with a bitter smile. 揑 won抰 even have to ask.?