I bite the inside of my cheek, willing myself to be cool, disinterested.
Me: No. I have plans today.
Later, I will write him and say something distant and impersonal: this just isn抰 what I want and it抯 run its course. And then I抣l need to figure out how to work by his side on the Lawson case without it destroying me, without letting him know how much I hate him for having failed me.
Kevin is waiting at the table when I arrive. He抯 cute. If it weren抰 for Ben, I抎 probably be interested.
He rises from his seat and gives me a hug. 揑t抯 nice to meet you.?
I glance at the line inside. He抯 already got a drink.
揧ou too. I抦 just gonna棓
揙h, yeah,?he says. 揇o you want me to棓
揘o, no,?I say, waving him off. 揓ust sit. I抣l be right back.?
Jesus. I抎 forgotten how uncomfortable first dates are.
The line takes too long. I mouth an apology, and he shakes his head, as if it抯 his fault. I don抰 want to be here, and I抦 not sure why I am. I抦 not the kind of girl who can revenge fuck someone hours after she was with someone else.
I return with a latte I don抰 even want. I take a big sip and burn the shit out of my tongue.
揝o厰 I say, 搚ou抮e a farmer??
To my surprise, he says yes. He抯 not also a struggling actor, not doing it as a stopgap while he decides about grad school or gets his dumb tech start-up off the ground. He proceeds to tell me all about organic gardening.
He抯 exactly what I want, and spending time with him bores me out of my fucking mind.
I return to my apartment when the interminable date is over and come to a dead stop as I walk down the hall. Ben is sitting outside my door. He doesn抰 smile when he sees me. Just silently rises, his eyes dark as night.
揥hat are you doing here??I ask, shifting my keys from one hand to the next. 揑 told you I had plans.?
揥ere you on a date??he demands.
I have no idea what to say. A part of me wants to throw it in his face, and another part of me still feels like I did something wrong.
揥hat??I ask.
His nostrils flare. 揥ere. You. On. A. Fucking. Date??
I shove my hands into the pockets of my cardigan. 揥ould it matter??
His mouth falls open, his breathing uneven. 揧es, it fucking matters.?
He turns and unlocks the door with the key I抦 about to demand back and marches inside. I follow him in, slowly unbuttoning my sweater and trying to pretend I抦 as ambivalent as I should be. I hang it on the hook, ignoring him, and then draw my shoulders back. In sneakers I feel way too small standing here before him.
揑抣l take your non-answer as an answer,?he says with an angry laugh. 揟hough I should have known when you said you had plans. You never make plans that aren抰 work. Until today, that is.?
I blow out a breath. 揑s that why you抮e here? Because I said I had plans??
揘o.?He stalks toward me. 揑抦 here because I fucking saw you walking down the street with a guy on what definitely looked like a date, and I was hoping you抎 tell me I was wrong.?
揝o what??I ask, and all the rage and pain I抦 not supposed to feel seem to take possession of me. 揑f you can take a girl out to Ardor for dinner when you抮e supposedly hanging out with your family, I抦 not going to apologize for having coffee at noon with someone else.?
His eyes go wide. 揌ow抎 you even know about that??
I laugh. I sound completely unhinged桰 am completely unhinged梑ut how goddamned typical of a man to cheat and then complain about my invasion of his privacy. 揟he notification came up on your phone last week, Ben. Don抰 flatter yourself into thinking I was snooping. And sorry, but no, you抮e not going to convince me dinner for two was a family event. Now get the fuck out of my apartment and leave the key.?
He shakes his head, his jaw grinding. 揑 did not eat at Ardor last night. I made a reservation for my brother, who was proposing to his girlfriend. And then there was a party at my mother抯 house afterward to celebrate.?
I抳e been here before梩he elaborate stories, the spinning of lies, the explanation for everything no matter how outlandish. 揔ey,?I repeat, holding out my hand.
He holds his phone in front of me instead, where someone named Mandy has texted him a photo of a big diamond ring.
Mandy: You knew!!!!! Thanks for setting this all up for us.
I swallow, my stomach in knots. I fucked up and I抳e probably ruined everything. But the lawyer in me argues, this isn抰 all my fault. Yes, I shouldn抰 have jumped to conclusions, but maybe if Ben hadn抰 been keeping me at arm抯 length, away from his family and friends and his home, I wouldn抰 have. Why didn抰 he tell me his brother was getting engaged? Why didn抰 he want me at the party? Would it have been so goddamned hard just to include me a little?