He stops suddenly, in the middle of the produce section. 揑抦 leaving,?he says, fury stamped on every feature of his face.
I stare at him in shock. This is what I wanted, and now I also卍on抰 want him to go. 揥hat??
揧ou heard me. Call your widowed veterinarian and have him tell you a bunch of patronizing shit about how to live your life better. See how well you like it.?
And then he heads out the door, leaving me behind.
I stand frozen for a moment before I walk stiffly toward the exit, barely holding myself together. I put the cart back, but by the time I reach the elevator, I抦 crying. My sadness feels ancient, as if these are tears I should have cried years ago, yet they抳e got nothing to do with Kyle.
It抯 Ben, and how disappointed I am that after two years of wanting him, he抯 breaking my heart, just the way I knew he would.
It抯 nearly two a.m. and I抳e cried myself to sleep when I hear a key in the door.
Ben enters the room, taking slow steps toward the side of the bed. In the dim light, he seems exhausted, his shirt untucked and wrinkled, circles under his eyes. He strips down to his boxers and climbs in beside me, pulling me against him. He smells like bourbon. I know I抦 being weak, letting him stay. It was weak to ever allow this to begin in the first place. I just want one last night of pretending he抯 mine.
揑抦 crazy about you, Gemma,?he whispers against the top of my head. 揑 don抰 want to be, but I am.?
My hands slide over his back, memorizing the feel of him, his shoulders blades, his spine, the breadth of him. My God, he抯 so perfect I want to weep.
It抯 not just an expression. I do want to weep. I抦 struggling not to. I roll away, letting him tuck me tight to his chest.
揟hen don抰 go tomorrow night,?I whisper. I抦 begging and it抯 fucking pathetic, but I can抰 help myself. 揚lease just don抰 go.?
I wait for him to answer. To apologize, to tell me he made a mistake and swear he抣l fix it.
Instead, his breathing just grows deep and even as sleep overtakes him.
39
I抦 sick to my stomach as I head to the office on Saturday. Ben stumbled out early, unhappy again and oddly quiet, seeming to regret he came over at all. I wanted to ask for my key back but I just couldn抰 do it. I knew I couldn抰 get the words out without bursting into tears.
I meet Keeley and her newest boytoy at a bar that night. I don抰 like the guy and I don抰 like his friends, either, but it would be hard to focus on much tonight anyway, given the circumstances.
Ben is at Ardor by now. I wonder if he抯 asking her if Malbec抯 okay, if they抮e talking as easily and animatedly as we did. If he抣l whisper, 搈aybe I just want to be someone you trust?when he kisses her. I thought it was different with us, that I wasn抰 like every other woman he takes out. I now have no idea why.
揋ive me your phone,?Keeley says, draining her glass and setting it on the table. 揑抦 finding you a date.?
I blink. 揑 don抰 want a date, Keeley.?
揟he first thing to do when you fall off a horse is climb back on. Ben wasn抰 what you wanted anyway.?
I nod, but she抯 wrong. I抦 pretty sure he was exactly what I wanted, even if it took getting hurt to recognize it, even if I knew better.
揧ou抮e welcome,?she says, handing me my phone.
揥hat did you just do??I demand.
She waves a hand at me. 揑t抯 just coffee. You don抰 have to bang him卆lthough you probably should.?
My jaw falls open. Going out with a stranger is the last thing I want to do, especially right now.
揋emma,?she says softly, 搕hink about it. How are you going to stand to work with Ben all week, knowing he抯 moved on if you haven抰 at least tried to move on too??
And I still desperately want to tell her to cancel it卋ut she isn抰 wrong.
I have butterflies the next morning as I walk toward a coffee shop in Brentwood to meet a guy named Kevin, and they抮e not the good kind. It feels like I抦 nine again, shoplifting hairspray on a dare, knowing I抦 going to get caught.
I have to remind myself I抦 not doing anything wrong. Ben and I are not together. We have not exchanged promise rings or made an oath of fidelity. And for fuck抯 sake, he just took some girl to Ardor last night. For all I know, they wound up back at the house he was unwilling to ever let me see then took her to the family brunch this morning, the one he never invited me to. I owe him nothing.
He texts as I near the coffee shop. I抦 tempted to ignore him, but I don抰 need him turning up at my apartment later because I didn抰 reply.
Ben: Brunch ended early. Are you at home?
A thousand angry words come to mind. How was dinner, Ben? Did you bring her with you to meet the family, or was the whole thing about brunch with your family a fucking lie all along?