I slowly pull myself together, wiping my eyes and nose with my sleeve and carefully removing the Olympus headphones from my ears.
The tape is clear. Robert Holbeck kills women. He kills them when they know too much, or when they get too close and threaten his family. Both women knew enough about the family’s dealings to pose a grave threat to their future. I recognize the description of the second woman, Gianna, from a photograph in Edward’s locked box earlier. The girl with wild curly hair and fearless eyes. Gianna must have been seeing Edward in his first year at MIT. A distraction, who was asking for more attention than the family was willing to give. Robert must have feared Edward, now next in line, might go the way of Bobby. Robert took her out of the equation.
Did Edward suspect foul play or did he think the overdose was fuelled by her unhappiness at not being able to be with him? People around the Holbecks seem to find life harder to deal with than most.
Robert had already lost one son; he couldn’t risk losing another. He drugged Gianna and made it look like an overdose while he sat back and watched.
I understand the predicament I am in now; I understand the terms. I cannot expose Robert because he will expose me. But I know why he has chosen me and what he wants – a favour.
I roll-call the dead in my mind: Bobby, Lucy, Gianna. Bobby started it all; he could not handle the weight of the Holbeck name and jumped, but something else happened there that day. And Lucy Probus knew too much. She knew Robert was in the house, and rumours can build and take on a life of their own.
But both Gianna and Lucy’s perceived crimes against the Holbecks are not worse than mine. I am a murderer who is trying to marry their firstborn son. I set a man on fire and watched him burn. It’s a wonder I’m still alive.
I suppose, as long as Robert needs something from me, I am safe.
Robert knew about me the night we met. He knew who I was, what I did. I recall the electricity between us, in his study that night, the intoxicating danger. The way he looked at me, the connection we had instinctive; he knew who I was and he was comfortable with me. But perhaps only a man like Robert Holbeck could ever feel comfortable with me. Edward can never know; the thought alone makes me sick to my stomach.
Laurence Fletcher was his name – the man I killed. He begged, but I was not listening. I took my chance and I made him pay, because men like him don’t change.
It would be a misreading to say I did what I did with the best of intentions. I did not. I wanted him to suffer; I wanted to see him suffer. I didn’t do it to protect the world, or others, or because I could sense he was a bad person. I didn’t know anything about him the day he died, except what he had just done to me, to us.
I got to know him over the years that followed, though. I’d find out all there was to know about the man who changed my life. His divorce, his addictions, lost visitation rights, harassment and abuse. Somehow, through it all, he’d kept his job; I guess he saved his worst for those he loved. He wasn’t a great person, it turns out, but that wasn’t why I killed him.
I killed him because I wanted to and because I could. And because, for a second, it took the pain away.
In that sense, Robert and I are alike. We are not on the side of the angels. The only difference between us is that I only killed once.
Once was enough for me – enough to put me in prison, enough to ruin my life. Enough to end a career. Enough to make Edward hate me if he were ever to find out. Once was already one time too many.
I cannot go to the police about the tape and I cannot tell Edward. Not if I want him to love me. If I want him to love me, he can never know who I really am.
* * *
I scour the apartment for traces of my search for Lucy Probus. I erase my computer search history and put Edward’s steel lockbox back on its shelf in his office, replacing the paperclip I took from his documents with a fresh one. When Edward returns it will be as if none of this had ever happened. And I will bide my time until I can work out what Robert wants.