Fear.
That’s all I saw through the glass door of the shower.
That, combined with the fact that she doesn’t fucking trust me, is enough to have me questioning my renewed presence in her life. That’s the second edge of the sword that grates the most. And it’s the sick feeling of that truth, a continual slow pour of the acid constantly churning in my chest, in my gut. The fear in her eyes isn’t because she’s afraid of me. She’s afraid of what being part of us can and has done to her. Still, she holds her head regally high on her slender neck as she rides next to me toward our arranged meeting. Hair still wet, she glosses her lips before smoothing and securing it back into a ponytail. Staring out the window, she remains mute as I grip her hand and bring it to my mouth, pressing my lips against the back of it.
“We have to do this, Cecelia. But I’m hoping this doesn’t encroach much on our life here.”
“I know.”
“We can’t negotiate this.”
“I know.”
“I promised you would be in the know every step of the way.”
“I want that.”
I glance her way, briefly taking my eyes off the road. “Are you sure?”
“Yes,” she says icily. “In the know is a luxury I paid for a long time ago.”
“You’ll have it, but it’s not going to pay off the way you want, at least not at first.”
She glances back out of the window, and I slow to a stop on the side of the road because I want her to hear me. She’s trapped in the car this way, no escaping the conversation, which is where I need her for this confession. I want to be ready for whatever reaction she has. She frowns when I pull out my phone and compose a text, holding up our meeting. She watches me expectantly when I shoot off the message and face her.
“We’re going to have to have one of those conversations now.”
“Tobias—” She shakes her head. “I understand why we need security.”
“There’s more to it.”
She bristles. “Goddamnit, isn’t it always something?”
“Yes. That’s my point. There will always be something. Always. No matter what, there will always be something, and you have to decide if being with me is worth this never-ending hassle and, more importantly, losing your life. Your life, Cecelia, because once you make this decision, there’s no going back.”
“I made the decision years ago, until you decided for me, remember?”
“Stop being so fucking flippant about this,” I bark. “And maybe I’m thinking that it’s still a decision for you because maybe you don’t feel the same way anymore.”
“I’m not being flippant. I’m adjusting. What haven’t you told me?”
“Everything I need to because you haven’t given me a fucking chance!” I clench my fists, trying my best to level out my temper. “And I get it, okay? I do, but this really is that serious.”
She licks her lower lip, her eyes remorseful. “I’m trying.”
“I know. Dom’s body wasn’t even in the ground before Miami retaliated.”
Her eyes widen. “What?”
“They came from Florida guns blazing and declared all-out war, just as we finished cleaning up the mess at Roman’s house. We were completely unprepared.”
“Jesus.”
I turn in my seat and fully face her.
“Within a week, they hit every fucking southeast chapter of the brotherhood and successfully killed a raven in every single one, including Alicia’s brother. That’s how we met, at his funeral. I was there the day they buried him.”