She runs her tongue along her lower lip, her eyes searching mine before she pulls her hand away.
“After all this time, you and Sean really never…talked?”
“I tried,” I admit, “Of course, I tried. I tried to get him into the business side when his son was born to keep him safe, to keep Tessa safe. But no, Sean and I haven’t been the same since the day they returned from France and saw us together.”
Her voice is distant when she speaks. “All this time, I thought at least you had each other.”
I shake my head. “I had my precious fucking club, and that was all I had left, and it was falling apart day by day. Everything I worked for went up in flames the night Dominic died. And I didn’t care at that point, but it was the people that depended on me, on us, that kept me going. When the fog of war finally lifted, I got lost. I got lost in my head. And I guess in a way you could say—I went a little crazy.”
“I’m…”
“Sorry? Don’t ever be. It was only the first real taste of reaping what I’ve sown. I told you long ago I knew it would catch up with me at some point. I just wasn’t expecting it to happen so soon. There’s more, and it’s coming, but they’re waiting for us.”
She nods as I turn the ignition and glance in the rearview at the necklace hanging from it. I reach up and pinch the metal wings between my fingers. “When I got here, Sean texted me, asking about you, and for the first time since Dom died, he asked about me. I think he’s finally trying to forgive me.”
Dropping the necklace, it sways back and forth as I put the car into gear.
“We’ll never be the same, but I knew that when I chose you over him, and that was before,” I exhale, and dread cloaks me as I fill her in on the rest. “Cecelia, they will always be after me, and I use the term loosely because the they is interchangeable. The night I came to you with that head wound? That was the result of another attempt on me that I wasn’t fucking expecting. I put more holes in him than necessary to make sure that was the end of the threat, but instead of doing what I should have and erasing any more threats, I laid low and came straight to you that night.”
“Who was it?”
“A house call from an enemy I made in France in my early days for an associate. And there’s a really good chance that’s not the last retaliation. There are long memories in this game.” She mulls over my words. “With you, I continually broke my number one rule. With you, I wasn’t thinking like I should have. I never really did after we got together, but I didn’t want to be without you.”
I stare at the open road before us.
“If we do this, really do this, you need to know, if they ever get to you, the most valuable thing in my fucking life, it’s game over for me, Cecelia. End of. I can barely handle dealing with the possibility of losing you. I’ve only survived this long without Dominic, and losing you, and Sean, my respect, my purpose, I just stopped fucking caring about everything that mattered to me personally. I became someone I didn’t recognize, and there was no one there to stop me from…” Flickers of the nights I let depravity consume me flash briefly, shadowing the rest of the light of day in darkness. I reach into those memories in an attempt to describe my state of mind. “I felt better not fucking caring, liberated in a way I have never been because I had nothing to lose. I had no one close to me anymore to worry about, and I was relieved. My head wasn’t racing so much, and I wasn’t…” I shake my head. “If they get to you now,” I grit out, “they take everything. So, this meeting is more than necessary. But all of this can stop right here, right now. I can’t walk away from you again, I can’t push you away again, and I never will, but you can order me away. If that’s your decision, I’ll respect it, because Cecelia, there’s a very real chance you could die for loving me, and I can only promise to try to keep you safe.”
It only takes her a second to nod before she straightens in her seat. “Like I said, I made the decision a long time ago, Tobias. Let’s go.”