She waited twenty minutes, then made her way to her assigned potato field and sat Halya on the side of it with the other children. There was none of the typical running and playing, but every now and then, the soft chortle of a child’s laughter reached her ears and gave Katya hope. It did little to take her mind off Kolya, but the cadence of the work suited her, and she tried to focus on the motion of her body instead of the thoughts running rampant in her head.
When the field was done and they were dismissed to go home for the day, she could no longer silence her worries. How could she ever explain that she’d taken her sister’s life? She’d married her husband, raised her child, and now had the audacity to fall in love? To try to start a new life with the shattered remains of what they’d once been.
How could anyone forgive that?
Kolya broke through the fog of her mind as he shook her arm, concern on his face. “Katya, did you hear me? I’m heading to the horse barn. I promised Halya I’d bring her there to see the new horses they brought in. We’ll be home later.” He leaned close and peered into her face. “Are you well?”
Katya nodded fast, perhaps too fast. His hand scorched her, made her want to press against him, tell him of her love, her secrets. “I’ll be fine. I’ll see you at the house.”
But she couldn’t bear going inside yet, where Kolya’s presence lingered on every surface—the cup he drank from, the chair he sat in, the bed they shared. Instead, she climbed into the barn loft, where she’d spent so many hours dreaming and talking with Pavlo, tucked away in their little nest of safety, and retrieved her journal from its hiding place in the wall.
The smell of sun-dried hay and memories of Pavlo enveloped her like a warm hug. She filled her lungs with the sweet scent as an ache rose in her throat. She could almost hear his voice echoing as she walked toward the big door that looked out over the barnyard.
Katya, stay here with me always. We don't need to think about what's going on out there. Here, we are safe, and we have each other. Maybe we'll never come down.
Someday I'd like a house, though, she’d teased back. It would be a hard thing to raise our children in a barn loft.
She pushed the door open, and sunlight flooded into the room. From her high vantage point, Katya could see Pavlo and Kolya’s old farm.
Pavlo’s voice whispered in her ear.
Then you shall have the grandest house. There, see that open spot over there? My father told me he will give it to me as a wedding present. We will build our home there. A strong, solid house filled with our babies. Our children will run through these fields like we did. Can you see it?
Tears filled her eyes. Katya couldn't see it anymore. She used to see it as clear as day. Now, Pavlo’s face blurred with Kolya’s and confused her.
I want flowers all around the house. Poppies and sunflowers.
Then we shall plant them.
She pressed her lips against the journal cover and let the words inside soak into her soul. Her memories. Her love story. Her Pavlo.
As she lowered the journal, Kolya walked through the yard down below with Halya perched on his shoulders. Katya watched him move towards the house, long-limbed and lanky, with a rugged grace that made her heart ache. Her past clutched in her hands and her future laid out in front of her, painted against each other in stark relief, but how could she bridge this divide? Life had set her down a path she’d never imagined traveling, and now she was stuck with one foot in each world—the before and after.
She stared out across the land, the ground shimmering before her as the tears she’d held back finally spilled over. The forgotten patch of sunflowers, buried in the weeds of the overgrown yard, smiled up at her. The sunflower palace. Her and Alina’s secret place. Despite everything, they fought to grow, to live, to rise up amidst the ruin of their land, somehow still blooming right here, for her.
Like her.
Deep down, beneath the sharp edges of her guilt and memories, she wanted this marriage to work. Kolya might not love her now, but maybe someday, he would let her into his heart, just as she had found room for him in hers. Their union represented all they had lost, all they had struggled to live through. Why had she fought to survive if it wasn’t to live her life and find hope again?
Katya’s lips quivered as her sister’s name came out in a sigh. “Alina. Forgive me, sister, but I love him. I just don’t know if he’ll ever love me.”
“Katya.”
Katya spun around at the sound of Kolya’s voice. He stood at the far end of the hayloft, his hands clenched at his sides.