I’d forced them, and that made my stomach hurt.
Ice drenched my skin, and the chill quelled the fire. I squeezed my eyes shut. Control. I needed control. There was no threat to me. The one at risk was in Carsodonia. Losing it did absolutely nothing to help him, and Kieran was right. I repeated that over and over. I hadn’t spent the past weeks planning for how to keep people safe only to turn around and be the cause of thousands, if not millions of deaths.
That wasn’t me.
That wasn’t who I ever wanted to become.
Another shudder rocked me as the vibrations in my chest eased and the hum receded from my skin. The rage was still there, as was the guilt and agony, but the wrath and the hunger for vengeance was banked, returning to those cold, empty places inside me where I feared it may fester.
“It’s okay,” Kieran said, and I was slow to realize that he wasn’t speaking to me. “Just give us some time, all right?” There was a pause, and then he moved close as he guided my head down to his chest. I didn’t fight it, welcoming the warmth and the familiar, earthy scent. He spoke about the box, about what was in it. He cleared his throat. “Don’t tell anyone about it. No…no one needs to know.”
Someone neared us, and Kieran’s hand slid to the back of my head as the other left my cheek. “Thank you,” he said.
In the quiet that followed, a rush of wings brought a gust of lavender-scented air. A few moments later, something brushed against my legs. Delano. I kept my eyes closed tightly against the sting. I wanted to tell him that I was sorry if I’d worried or scared him, but I couldn’t get the words past the knot in my throat. Kieran’s chin lowered, resting on the top of my head. The quiet went on for some time.
And then Kieran said in a low voice, “You scared me a little, Poppy.”
Pressure clamped down on my chest. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to.”
“I know you didn’t.” His chest rose against mine. “I wasn’t scared of you. I was afraid for you,” he added. “I…I’ve never seen that before. The shadows in the eather. And your voice? It was different. Like it was when you spoke to Duke Silvan.”
“I don’t know what any of that was.” I swallowed thickly.
“Your abilities are still changing. Growing,” he said, making me think of what Reaver had shared.
Was this—the shadows in the eather—a new manifestation due to me still going through the Culling? I didn’t know. And at the moment, I couldn’t spare the energy required to dwell on it.
“You know he’s still alive,” Kieran said after a couple of moments. Thoughts of the ever-changing abilities faded. “The imprint is still on your palm. He lives.”
I closed my left hand, pressing it to Kieran’s chest. “But she…” I couldn’t finish.
“He’s strong. You know that.”
Gods, I did know that. But it didn’t change what was done to him. “He has to be in so much pain, Kieran.”
“I know, but he will get past this. I know it. And you will get past this.” His hand tightened in my loose braid of hair. “He is still yours. You are still his.”
Tears stung my throat, my eyes. “Always,” I whispered hoarsely. I forced myself to take a deep, steady breath. “Thank you for…for stopping me.”
“You don’t have to thank me for that.”
“I do.” I lifted my head, and his hand fell to the middle part of my braid. “And I am sorry about worrying you—worrying all of them. I just…I lost it.”
“Anyone would, Poppy.” Kieran slid his arm away and brought his hand up so it was between us. He took my left hand and pressed something cool and hard into my palm. My breath snagged because I knew what he’d put in my hand. “In case you don’t know this, no matter what’s done to Cas, he won’t regret his choice.”
I tried to swallow again, to stop the words from coming, but I couldn’t. “I do. I regret it every moment I—” A soul-crushing sense of loss rose once more, stealing my breath. It took everything in me not to collapse under it and let all the rage and pain consume me once more. To lash out and inflict all that ate away at me onto anyone who stood in my way.
To unleash all the pain until nothing but bone and blood remained.
“Why did he do it, Kieran? Why?” I whispered, my voice catching.
Kieran squeezed my hand. “You know why. The same reason you’d do just as he did if someone was hurting him.”