Sure, I still have a pulse and I’m still breathing.
But vital parts of me are dead.
“I need that magic,” he whispers. “It’s not just the most important thing to me. It’s the only thing.” He breathes in deep. “It stays when everyone else leaves.” The veins in his neck flex as he swallows. “It will never abandon me.”
Like his mom.
My heart compresses so hard it hurts. “I still think it’s worth talking to him. Maybe he can add them as additional songs on the album and then everyone gets what they want.”
Only not really. Because what Phoenix wants is to have both his human and his creative needs taken seriously and implemented…as he should.
“Yeah…maybe.”
A lengthy yawn leaves me as I place the proposal on the nightstand, and I glance at the clock. “It’s four-thirty.” Reaching over, I flick off the light. “We both need to get some sleep.”
A few minutes later, I’m drifting off… but Phoenix isn’t.
His unsteady breathing fills the dark room, and I can feel the tension coursing through him as he grapples with his thoughts.
Assuming his focus is still on his career problems, I murmur, “The worst Vic will say is no, but you won’t know until you ask him.”
“Quinn looks just like my mom,” Phoenix utters unexpectedly.
Shifting, I turn toward him. “I can’t imagine what you must be feeling.”
“That’s the thing…I don’t know.” His arm brushes mine. “When someone’s been absent from your life for so long, all you’re left with is this mental picture of them. One you base all your thoughts and emotions off of, because you don’t have anything else.”
He audibly swallows. “And the more time that passes, the more concrete that image becomes.”
Those long fingers reach for mine. “The image I have of my mother is constructed from a seven-year-old boy’s head. And in his head, his mother left him because she needed to save herself. In his head, she wanted to take me with her, but she couldn’t. Maybe because there was no time, or maybe she didn’t want any ties to the man she was terrified of. Maybe she didn’t want the reminder every time she looked at me…or maybe she truly believed my father would kill her for stealing his kid.”
I squeeze his hand when he stops talking, silently urging him on.
“Either way, the seven-year-old boy forgave his mom and made excuses for her because in his head she was perfect and beautiful, and she could do no wrong, but…”
I place my free hand on his chest, right over his heart that’s beating so hard it feels like it’s going to explode.
“But what?” I whisper after a moment passes.
“If Quinn is my sister—and I’m pretty fucking positive she is—then the image I have of her…” A shaky sigh escapes him. “The one I’ve been holding on to is shattered.”
A cold sweat breaks out over his skin and his breathing becomes rickety and shallow, like his lungs are unable to draw in enough air.
“I don’t know what I’m gonna do.” A tremor runs through him. “I don’t know—”
I crash my mouth against his, hoping to calm him down. To ground him. Because he’s spinning out of control. However, before long, my kiss is overpowered by his.
And his kiss is all-consuming. Like a raging, turbulent ocean you have no control over.
Every swipe of his tongue is a thrashing, every sharp nip of his teeth a jostle, and every touch a gravitational pull.
But the sun can’t be volatile like the ocean…otherwise the universe becomes a dark, cold, and lonely place.
The sun needs to be in control…because the entire world revolves around it.
I pull back. “When you’re spiraling, you hold on to an anchor.”
Gripping my waist, he tries to kiss me again, but I turn away, which only enrages him. “What the fuck, Lennon?”
Pushing him so he’s lying on his back again, I climb on top of him. “I got you.”
I kiss his neck and walk my fingers down his torso until I reach the large bulge in his boxers.
Caressing his erection through the soft cotton, I slither down his body, stopping to lick and suck every inch of skin I come across.
He groans when I slip my hand inside the waistband and grip him. “I want to fuck you.”
Tugging his boxers down, I stroke him from root to tip. “I want to suck you.” I press an openmouthed kiss to the wide head that’s slick with precum. “So much.”