She rubbed her own chest. 揥yatt, when you love someone like I loved Rebecca, it抯 terrifying, because it抯 like suddenly your heart is outside your body and you can抰 protect it. My heart floated beside me in a red balloon and every time it floated too high, every time I got too happy or felt joy with her, I pulled it back down to safety so it wouldn抰 pop.?
She slapped the table and barked a laugh. 揂nd then the damn thing popped anyway.?
My chest hurt. I had been telling Hannah that everything was temporary, and I抎 been telling myself that everything was temporary, but I had been spewing that shit as a way to hold the good things back at arm抯 length. If I didn抰 expect to keep anything, I couldn抰 be upset when it was gone.
Except I was upset. How could I move on from someone like Hannah?
Bea gave me a wistful smile. 揑 should have let it fly, Wy. I should have let myself lean in to those good moments because when Rebecca left us, none of those preparations made any difference in how hard it was.?She sighed. 揇o I regret holding myself back? Yes. Do I regret marrying her, or a single second spent around her? Never.?
A vision of Hannah appeared in my head, singing in that sparkling dress, letting her red balloon fly. I thought I was so smart, teaching her how to fail, embarrass herself, and not care, but the whole time, I wasn抰 even practicing what I preached. I told myself all things came to an end as a way to hold myself back from enjoying time with her, from falling in love with her, and now we were over and none of that helped.
Tomorrow was her birthday. I blew a breath out and raked a hand through my hair.
揥hat抯 going on, Wy??Her hand came to my arm.
I exhaled a sigh through my nose. 揑 met someone.?
She nodded, not surprised at all.
揑 think I screwed it up.?
揧ou lay it all out on the line??
I shook my head. I had held back. The big stuff, the forever stuff, I kept it hidden.
Be brave with me, bookworm.
How could I expect her to be brave when I wasn抰？
I should have told her that I loved her. That I wanted her forever. That she never needed to change a single thing about herself to make anyone proud or to find true love because she was perfect as is. She always had been.
Maybe she didn抰 want out of the shell she used to hide in. Maybe she wanted to stay in the dusty bookstore under the shadow of her parents. I couldn抰 make those decisions for her; I could only encourage and support her.
It wasn抰 too late. My aunt was right. I had to lay it out on the line and pray to the universe that she felt the same way.
My aunt slanted a curious look at me. 揥ho is it??
揌annah Nielsen.?Her name felt funny in my mouth. Bittersweet.
She hummed and smiled down at her lap. 揑 knew her mom, Claire.?She tapped her mouth and narrowed her eyes. 揧ou know what, I have some old photos of her.?
Ten minutes later, she handed me a photo that made my heart dip in my chest.
This was the missing component of Hannah抯 birthday gift. My throat was thick as I swallowed, studying the photo. I glanced up at Aunt Bea. 揅an I take this??
She smiled softly at me. 揙f course, honey.?
34
Wyatt
揑f he抯 not here in five minutes, he抯 disqualified,?the organizer said to a guy holding a clipboard.
The ocean was calm for this time of day. No wind, clean waves, the kind I sought out at sunrise or sunset. Spectators packed the beach, both tourists and residents of Queen抯 Cove. Everyone came out to see some of the best surfers in the world attempt to work with the ocean.
揑抦 here.?My pulse beat in my ears from the sprint. Ten minutes ago, I had been on the highway, praying no cops were out with their radar guns. The figurine of me as a merman, the one Hannah bought for me, danced and bounced from the rearview mirror while I drove. There was a delay with the ferry so I was cutting it close for time.
I had parked in front of the surf shop, grabbed my board and wetsuit, and gunned it here. I wasn抰 sure where my car keys were. The truck might still be running.
The organizer shook his head before walking away. The guy with the clipboard signed me in.
I had left my aunt抯 place early enough this morning to catch the first ferry to the island, and then it was a three-hour drive from there from Victoria to Queen抯 Cove. I told myself that it didn抰 matter if I missed the final heat of the competition, that I had probably secured sponsorship already, and I could try again next year.
I wanted to finish this, though. This had been weighing on me all year, and I wanted to fight it. I wanted to make myself proud.
And I wanted to make Hannah proud. She had put a lot of work into my social media accounts, and I wanted to follow through. She抎 made me so proud these past few months, slaying her own demons, and I wanted to do the same.