Heaven help her. Despite everything, his mere presence, without a word spoken, touched something deep inside her heart. And her body still yearned for him. One look into his eyes shook her to the core and made her want to melt into his arms for the comfort he would provide—but she couldn’t do that. Everything was tainted now. Because of what they had done together, Freddie was in critical condition and might never walk again.
Searching for strength to get through this, Lillian reached for the door handle and walked out of the bathroom. Anton was still standing there, exactly where she had left him.
He gestured to a shopping bag on a table in the corner of the room. “I got you a toothbrush and some clean clothes for tomorrow.”
She warmed at his kindness but fought to remain steady on her feet. When she moved to look inside the bag, she found socks and underwear, some toiletries, a pair of jeans, sweatpants, pajamas, and a few T-shirts.
“This is helpful. Thank you.” She faced him, and they stared at each other in silence until she couldn’t do it anymore. She couldn’t keep from expressing her feelings. “I’m never going to forgive myself,” she said.
“No,” Anton firmly replied. “It’s my fault, not yours. I shouldn’t have told him you were leaving him. I should have left that to you. You would have handled it better. Now, I’m afraid you’re going to hate me forever.” He shook his head with remorse.
She moved to the bed and sat down. “I don’t hate you.”
Anton sat down beside her and took hold of her hand.
“You didn’t know Freddie was going to be on the road where he was,” Lillian said. “And he was throwing punches at you. I understand why you were concerned about me. At first, I wasn’t sure, I didn’t know what to think, but now I understand why you were driving fast. I know you would never wish to harm anyone. That’s not who you are.”
Anton spoke somberly. “What will happen now?”
Watching how his thumb gently stroked her knuckles, she found herself speaking matter-of-factly, as if she had tossed her heart into a deep grave and was now shoveling dirt upon it. “He’ll be in surgery for the next few hours, but the doctors said it could be weeks before he’ll be stable enough to go home. Then he’ll need to go into a rehabilitation facility and learn how to live, probably as a quadriplegic. But it’s not just the broken spinal cord that causes trouble. He’s going to be vulnerable to all sorts of infections, and in his weakened state . . .”
Suddenly unable to go on, Lillian sobbed with grief onto Anton’s shoulder, and he held her close.
When she finally recovered and wiped away her tears, she said, “Tonight, the doctor told me that statistically, most people who suffer an injury like this have an average life expectancy of only two years. It’s not the spinal cord injury that takes them but some sort of other infection.”
Tears filled her eyes again—hot, burning tears that streamed down her cheeks. Anton continued to hold her. He kissed the top of her head.
“I need to be there for him,” she said. “I can’t abandon him now.”
Anton nodded.
For a long while, they sat together on the edge of the bed, dazed and traumatized, saying nothing. When Lillian yawned for the third time, Anton kissed the back of her hand. “You’re tired. You need to get some rest.”
“Yes.”
He stood up, and she walked him to the door. Before he left, she took in the full force of his gaze.
“Where do we go from here, Lillian?” he asked.
“We don’t go anywhere,” she replied, almost instantly. “I can’t see you again. Not while Freddie is fighting to survive. It would break his heart. I’m quite sure it would destroy his will to live.”
Anton bowed his head with understanding and wept softly. She bowed her head, too, and they stood apart, afraid to touch each other.
After a moment, Anton stepped toward her for one last loving embrace. “I’m sorry. For everything.”
“Me too. This isn’t how I wanted this to end, for any of us.” She drew back. “Please don’t write to me or call me. Don’t try to contact me. I don’t think I could bear it.”
“I’ll do whatever you want me to do,” he said, “but I won’t stop loving you, and I’ll wait for you. However long it takes. I’ll wait forever.”
She frowned and shook her head, her voice laced with sorrow. “Please don’t say that. It sounds as if you’ll be waiting for Freddie to die. I can’t live with that.”