“I see just fine,” I say coldly. Don’t push me, Rose. My jaw throbs. My muscles strain. I just want to escape this. Doesn’t she get it?
“Don’t be an idiot.”
Don’t be such a fucking idiot, Loren. I let out a short laugh. “That’s so fucking easy for you, isn’t it?” I say with malice. I am being swallowed by blackness. I can’t see a way out besides hurting her as much as she’s torturing me. “Being smart.” I step forward in her face. “Miss Perfect. What do you have to worry about? Does my hair look good today? Do my shoes match my dress?”
“Lo,” Connor warns.
His voice is so soft behind me. I drown it out. I watch Rose’s ribcage fall and rise heavily, venom seeping out of her eyes.
I begin to numb.
I rotate and spot her organized bookshelf, too meticulous, nothing out of place. I walk over to the shelves. “Let’s see, Rose…” I pick up a hardback and flip through the pages before throttling the book, the spine ungluing. “How does this feel?”
She inhales severely, her collarbones jutted out.
Her pain slices my insides, and I just keep moving, being cut open with each soulless action. I open a stack of manila folders and shake the papers loose.
“Stop it!” Rose shouts, dropping to her knees to collect each page.
“This doesn’t bother you, right?” I say, agony clenching my stomach, gripping my bones. I wish she would hit me. Deck me right in the gut. I just want this pain to go away. “Nothing’s fucking wrong with Rose Calloway? I’m the idiot. I’m the fucking moron in your world who’s so stupid and selfish that he would drink again and again.” I’m the fuck up. The degenerate. The loser.
Just leave me alone.
Let me go.
“No…” she says, eyes wide in horror at her scattered papers.
My throat almost closes at how crazy she’s become. I stare dazedly as she breathes sharply, hyperventalting. Connor approaches quickly and bends down to her, whispering in her ear. Then he lifts her by the waist.
She screams manically, “No!” Rose kicks out to try to reach the papers.
I’m going to throw up. Sickness rises from my stomach.
“Stop,” Connor says in the pit of her ear.
She screams shrilly, a desperation that I’ve never heard from her. While Connor holds her back, Rose’s eyes meet mine.
And my mouth moves before I can stop it. “It took you twenty-three goddamn years to finally lose your virginity,” I say, finding a chink in her armor. “And you lost it to a guy that’s just fucking you for your last name.”
“LOREN!” Connor shouts.
I almost stagger back by the force of my name from his lips, his face blanketed with rage. Cold washes over my body, guilt squeezing my lungs. Why can’t you just hit me? I deserve that. I open my mouth to ask, but he says, “Don’t.” The room silences. My full name off his tongue still rings in my ears. “Give me a minute.”
While he takes care of Rose, I concentrate on the rafters up above, my legs weak from that outburst. This could have gone another way…any other way would’ve been better.
Ryke sets his hand on my shoulder. I can’t look at him.
“Hey, it’s all right.”
It’s not.
“Look at me.”
I can’t. I choke on a breath, tears welling. What the fuck is wrong with me?
He cups my face between his hands, forcing my gaze on his. “We’re on your side, Lo. We’re not against you.”
I barely glance over at Rose, who sits on the vanity bench, Connor wiping her tears with his thumb. She almost never cries.
“Lo,” Ryke says, turning my head again so I focus on him. “You’re okay.”
“Yeah?” I breathe. “You all look at me like I’m a dog that needs to be put out of his misery. I’m just waiting for one of you to finally do it.”
His expression just breaks. “That’s not going to happen.” He doesn’t deny that it’s the case.
“Right,” I whisper. And then I make the mistake of finally looking to Lily, who’s on the edge of the bed. She is frozen in confusion, which is why she never intervened. She wears a haunted expression, like I betrayed her.
I guess I did. I swallow hard.
“Are you going to puke?” Ryke asks.
“I don’t know…” I scan the room, searching for a way out again. But I can’t really escape myself. I have to break away from my brother. The tension between Lily and me is what’s tearing me apart.