In order to resolve something, I have to talk to her.
So I head over to the bed while Ryke crosses his arms. The longer I stare at her features, the more this hurts. “What?” I say.
“Did you drink?” she questions.
I stagger back. She actually thinks I drank?
“I just…I don’t understand why you wouldn’t get your pills to prove it,” she says in a small voice.
“So you’re going to take their side over mine?” I choke. Stop being defensive. It’s one of the very few positive voices in my head.
“I’m not taking sides.” She stares at her hands while she thinks hard. “I just want the truth, Lo.”
“I didn’t drink.” I shake my head over and over, my eyes clouding. “But I can’t prove it. I stopped taking Antabuse months ago.” The truth doesn’t free me—doesn’t lift a weight off my chest. I am strapped with baggage so heavy that there’s no hope to reach the surface.
“You did what?!” Ryke shouts.
“They were driving me nuts!” I yell. I hate this, but it’s a conversation that I can’t avoid anymore. “I’m paranoid about everything I eat—if it’s accidentally cooked in alcohol. I picture myself puking from a shitty fucking meal. I can’t do that for the rest of my goddamn life.” I turn back to Lily. “You have to believe me.” I don’t know what I’ll do if she doesn’t believe me. I can’t handle this—
“I do,” she says without any doubt.
I exhale deeply and walk to the bed. I reach in for a hug.
Then she pushes me in the chest and points a finger at me. “But it’s not okay. It’s not.” I should have told her. Her chin trembles, and she pulls her shoulders back with more confidence. I love her for it. “You can’t stop taking them just because it drives you nuts. And it’s not okay that you kept this from me…from us…”
Her tears match mine. “I know,” I tell her in a whisper. “I’m sorry.” I sit next to her, and she scoots closer to me. Then our arms sort of meet each other at the same time. I don’t want to let her go.
“We’re in a fight, just so you know,” she whispers. “I’ll sleep in Daisy’s bedroom.”
Pain contorts my face. “You haven’t had sex in three days.” It’s the truth. She’s been cramming for an exam in May, and she falls asleep before we ever get that far. It’s been good, but she won’t be able to keep the routine up for long. It’s just not how her brain works. “I was going to…” I trail off as she shakes her head.
“I don’t care about sex. I care about you being healthy and not drinking.”
I’m suddenly overwhelmed with pride. For her. But also fear for me. I’m falling behind. I can feel myself regressing while she’s barreling ahead. I have to get my shit together.
“We have another issue,” Ryke suddenly says, pulling our attention to the room.
“We don’t have to bring that up now,” Rose snaps.
Connor and Rose stand together, hand-in-hand, and I try to string some apologies together, but when I open my mouth, nothing comes out.
Rose raises her chin, poised again. Like nothing happened. She just gives me a single nod like it’s done, let’s move past this.
I don’t think I’ll forget it though. I’ll have this guilt within me forever.
Ryke grabs a camera that belongs to the crew. I frown, and Lily and I both stand up, coming to his side. “Watch this,” he says.
My stomach overturns.
This isn’t good.
{ 31 }
0 years : 08 months
April
LILY CALLOWAY
Nononono.
I peer at the camera in Ryke’s hands, already emotionally drained with Lo. I wish we could rewind, go back to the couch with our comic books and pretend like this was all a nightmare.
Instead, Ryke hits the “play” button on the camera. Oh my God. My eyes widen. Lo and I are in the bookstore—the day that people, in general, started to freak me out. I watch myself drag Lo into the bathroom and then shut the door closed on the camera.
Anxious heat builds across my skin. In the video, I say, “Can I give you a blow job?”
I can explain. My hand shoots in the air, about to gush forth all the excuses that are surprisingly truths. “I was having a bad day,” I start.
“Shhh,” Lo says, frowning and really glaring at the camera. I’m sure that look is meant for Scott. And as we just watch the door in the video, sound effects start playing…of moaning and male groaning. They never showed how Lo rejected my request? Or how I took it back too? My frown deepens.