“What is this?” Lo asks, his hand slipping in mine before I have a chance to bite my fingernails. “Is this some kind of fucked up joke?”
“You tell us,” Ryke refutes. “You’re fucking in a public bathroom in the middle of the afternoon.”
My stomach sinks. Is this how they’d react if they knew we’ve done that many times before the cameras started invading our personal space?
“Nooo,” Lo says the word slowly. “We didn’t fuck in the bathroom. We don’t fuck anywhere but our bedroom.” I shut up because I’m a worse liar than him. This is fact.
“Someone must have tampered with the video.”
“So you didn’t ask to give Loren a blow job?” Rose questions me, her hands set on her hips.
“I…” My elbows are roasting. “I did do that…” I mutter.
“And then I told her no,” Lo adds. We’re not lying about this—that’s the weird thing.
“What were you actually doing for thirty minutes in the bathroom?” Connor asks casually.
I relax a little, not feeling as defensive with him.
Lo says, “I was giving Lily a pep talk.”
“I needed one,” I say. I smile at Lo, and he rubs my back.
Then I remember my earlier declaration. I never believed that he could start lying to me after rehab. And I take one step away from him, his hand falling from mine. “We’re still in a fight.”
His throat bobs. “I’m going to start taking Antabuse again, Lil.”
“Good,” I say with a nod. I ache to step into his arms, for him to hold me and for me to hold him. Nowhere feels better than in his embrace. But I have to do what’s best for him. No enabling. So I can hold out for a day or so. I turn to Ryke. “Fast-forward to the end. When we come out of the bathroom, I know I’ll look disappointed.”
Ryke speeds up the footage, and when he presses play, I watch myself exit the bathroom, my fingers laced with Lo’s. My hair is perfectly flattened, but my lips are just slightly curved downwards. “Ah-ha!” I point at the camera. “I look so upset.”
Rose nears the screen with disbelief. I expect her expression to flood with realization. It doesn’t change.
“That’s you disappointed?” Ryke asks. “You’re sweating and your face is red.”
“It was hot in the bathroom,” I defend.
“It was,” Lo agrees but his voice is soft. He knows that we have no evidence in our favor. They just have to trust us. Maybe they shouldn’t. We are lying to them on one account.
“Are they going to air this?” I ask.
“Probably,” Connor says, “but it helps promote your wedding.” The wedding. I internally shrink. “The bad edit would be you slipping into the bathroom with another guy.”
“We’re just concerned about your health,” Rose says.
I wish, so badly, they could just believe I’m doing okay.
But only Lo truly sees my progress. He’s the one wrapped so closely with my sex addiction. The others just see glimpses here and there, and the bad times seem to stick out far more than the good.
“I didn’t have sex, Rose,” I tell her, desperately hoping she accepts this truth. “I’m doing better. I mean, I shouldn’t have asked Lo that…that question. But besides that, I’m doing better.”
I can go a day without sex, no crippling anxiety or fear attached. Sure, sometimes I cling onto Lo more than I should. But it’s an everyday fight.
I don’t know how to show them what I feel.
Lo reaches down and his fingers brush against mine, silently asking if he can hold my hand.
I stare into his amber eyes that express a thousand regrets.
He’s beating himself up about the pills more than I ever could. This video is no one’s fault…but maybe Scott Van Wright’s.
I squeeze his fingers, and he laces them with mine.
“I thought you were in a fight,” Ryke says to us.
“We are,” I say softly, not taking my eyes off his. No one is going to hurt us: I read in his gaze. No one is going to pull us apart.
Not Scott.
Not my sister.
Not his brother.
If someone sinks us, it’ll be ourselves. That, I’m sure of.
{ 32 }
0 years : 08 months April
LOREN HALE
I stand rigid like marble at the base of the staircase. The living room television is turned on, playing a rerun of Princesses of Philly. The episode revolves around the Alps trip where we all played party games and had to endure Julian as well as Scott.