With a laugh, I nod before we begin spinning around the floor. A mellow waltz has started, the type with specific steps and switching partners, the type I typically try to avoid. But I let my feet guide me, trusting myself to remember the correct steps while trying to forget exactly why I can do this at all. Try to forget being held in the dark, led with strong arms and—
Stop.
Plagues, get a hold of yourself.
I look at the boy in front of me, all smiles and excitement. “You look dashing, Jax.”
His smile shifts into something akin to shy. “Thank you. Um. You look—”
We spin, and I’m pulled into the arms of a different gentleman. I nod politely to the young man, and he does the same as we step in time. Before I know it, I’m being passed around, held in the hands of men I’ve never met before. The waltz is a long one, making me regret stepping onto the dance floor.
My feet are killing me.
Then I’m turning into another body, encompassed by arms belonging to a grinning Kitt.
“There you are. I knew I’d get you back.”
I crack a small smile. “Took you long enough.”
I hear him laugh before I’m pulled flush against a new partner.
“You’re avoiding me.”
My heart flutters at that voice, the butterflies in my stomach doing the same as the slight scent of pine washes over me. I blink at the broad chest, very aware of the strong frame hiding beneath the crisp, white shirt. Taking a deep breath, I lift my gaze to meet his.
Oh, and I wish I hadn’t.
His eyes are mesmerizing, like melted steel, morning fog. They cut through me as though he is unafraid to see every part of me. His gaze feels right, familiar. And when his eyes lock with mine, I wonder why I ever bother looking at anyone else.
No. No. No.
Despite him feeling so right, I feel so very wrong and so very confused.
He hasn’t taken his eyes off me, and the weight of his gaze is pressing as he patiently watches me puzzle things out. Puzzle these feelings out.
“I wouldn’t call it…avoiding.” I sound very unconvincing, and rightfully so since I have been doing just that. And even though my very life is a lie, it seems my skills of deception have run out for the evening because I’m not fooling him.
The corner of his mouth twitches upwards, and I have to make a conscious effort not to stare at his lips. But just like this morning, I find myself wanting to lean into him. I don’t know what would have happened if I’d stayed in his room any longer, and yet, all day I’ve been kicking myself for not finding out.
It took everything in me to push him away despite how badly I wanted to pull him closer. But then I remind myself of who he is, what he is. Where he is the prince, the future Enforcer, the son of the man I hate, I am a Slummer, an Ordinary, the embodiment of the thing he has been taught to hate.
My thoughts scatter when a dimple catches my eye. “Then enlighten me. What would you call it, Gray?”
He spins me out with one hand before pulling me back into him, my back connecting with his chest. My hands are crossed over my stomach where he’s holding them from behind me, our bodies swaying together to the beat of the music.
“You seemed preoccupied, and I didn’t want to interrupt,” I say, recalling the women he’s danced with. His huff of laughter tells me he does too.
The brush of his jaw against my hair has my heart racing. He leans down so his face is beside mine, lips brushing the shell of my ear. “Hmm. Do you want to know what I think?” He tugs on my hands, pulling me closer. “I think you’re avoiding dancing with me because you can’t handle being so close.”
I nearly choke on the laugh that escapes me. “Please. I have no problem being close to you.”
Lies. Lies. Liar.
It seems my skill for deception is back.
“Is that right?” His lips are against my ear, fingers laced with mine, body pressed close.
I’m hot and cold, yes and no, right and wrong. I’m the embodiment of opposites, a jumble of confusion and contradictions.
I want this.
I don’t want this.
He dips his head so his chin rests on my shoulder.
Oh, I definitely want this.
Oh, but I definitely shouldn’t.
“Then why do you push me away?”
I still. There was so much emotion in his voice, so much raw uncertainty as the words left his lips. He spins me to face him slowly, not bothering to take a step back or put space between us.
My chest heaves, my heart hammers. His eyes crash into mine and I allow myself to take him in, admire this boy that I have come to know.
He’s devastating. Everything about him is stunning and sharp and stealing my breath away. But it’s the way he’s looking at me that suddenly makes swallowing seem like a struggle, breathing seem like a chore. I’ve never been looked at like it’s a privilege to be in my presence, an honor to hold my gaze, a gift to get a glimpse of me. Not until I met him.
His mask slips, splinters, shatters, leaving only a boy beholding a girl like she is worthy of his wanting.
And what terrifies me even more is that I think I might be looking at him the same way, looking at him with that same longing. Try as I might to fight it, I can’t help but long for this boy who has saved my life more times than I care to admit. This boy who is equally calculating and charming, equally cool and caring. The one who’s tended to my wounds, learned about my past, been my distraction when I needed it most.
The one who understands me.
And then my heart halts, pulse plummets.
But he doesn’t, does he?
He doesn’t even know who I truly am. What I truly am. And if he did, he would kill me. Because that is what the Enforcer would do. Because that is what the king’s son would do. Because that is what he has been created to do.
And for that reason, I push him away. Because if I don’t, I’ll pull him closer. And if I pull him closer, it will only end in a dagger being plunged through my heart. The heart that beats a little too fast when he is around, breaks a little too easily, and aches a little too much for him.
I stare back at him, not knowing what to say or do or—
I’m suddenly swept from his arms and into another's before I have the chance to answer.
Perfect timing.
“You look beautiful,” Jax spits out, grinning from ear to ear. “That’s what I was going to say earlier.” He puffs out his chest slightly, proud of himself for finally voicing the compliment.
“Thank you, Jax,” I say, smiling at him. When the song comes to an end, I quickly step off the dancefloor. I’m eager to get away from the press of bodies as I snatch a drink off a servant’s tray and head for the edge of the ballroom. Except that I can’t seem to escape crowd. Everywhere I look is occupied by groups of gossiping guests or silent servants.
My eyes sweep over the packed ballroom, landing on the large widows and the fresh air that awaits just outside of them. I itch for a moment to myself, a moment free from the crowded and closed-in room.
I sip at my wine, watching the whirling guests before I set the glass on the table and head for the hallway beyond the ballroom. I’m forced to slide between bodies, hating the cramped feeling.
I suck in a deep breath as I head towards the giant, grand doors leading to the courtyard beyond. The sound of my heels clicking against the floor fills the silence as I approach the daunting doors.