“How? Anna, you adore Pete.” Claudia’s tone was calming. “We all know that. Pete knows that.”
Did he? She frequently told him that she loved him, but what mattered more was showing it. Making him feel how much she loved him. And it seemed she hadn’t done that.
She felt the sofa dip as Erica shifted closer and put her arm around her.
“Do you want to tell us what happened?”
“It’s my fault. You know how much I’m dreading the kids leaving.” She reached forward and grabbed the only tissue that hadn’t been used to mop up wine. “And I’ve talked to Pete about it because we always talk about everything.” She blew her nose. “And he listened, as he always does, but lately something felt off in our conversations.”
“Off?”
“Little things. I didn’t feel as if we were connecting in the way we usually do. And after our toy shop visit I was feeling a bit down so I called him and—” she could hardly bear to talk about it “—he basically said I was making him feel irrelevant.”
“Irrelevant?”
“As if he doesn’t matter. When I told him how much I was dreading them leaving, he took it personally. As if I was saying there was nothing left in my life. As if, once the kids have gone, that’s it. He’d obviously been feeling it for a while and hadn’t said anything. And I do focus on the kids a lot. I know I do. Probably too much. He’s not wrong.”
“The kids are a huge part of your life.”
“I know.” She paused. “It was so important to me to be a good mother.”
“And you are. You have a great relationship with your kids.”
“But at what cost? Pete and I used to be disciplined about date nights and spending time together but lately, whenever Pete suggested a weekend away, I almost always found a reason not to go. I think, subconsciously, I wanted to make the most of this time with the kids. Why do something just the two of us, when we could do it as the four of us? And I didn’t even think about it. Everyone talks about work-life balance. Getting it right. But I didn’t balance things in my family. And I can see that now, but I can’t undo it.”
“You’re shaking.” Erica put her hand over hers and squeezed. “So you had this conversation after we went to the bookstore. How has it been since then?”
“We haven’t talked since. And that’s unusual for us.” Anna blew her nose again. “We’ve exchanged a few messages, but every time I call he doesn’t pick up. Then he sent me a message saying he’d call when he had a spare moment. A spare moment? What does that even mean?” She could feel herself spiraling and tried to calm herself.
“Maybe he really didn’t have a spare moment,” Claudia said and shrugged when they both looked at her. “What? This is Pete we’re talking about. Pete isn’t a sulker.”
“That’s true.” Erica gripped Anna’s hand firmly. “One of the things I’ve always admired—envied—about you and Pete is your ability to always find a solution that works for both of you. I remember a conversation we had once when you told me that it’s important to choose your battlegrounds. You told me that there were things about Pete that infuriated you—”
“The way he leaves his bowl on top of the dishwasher.” Anna sniffed and tried to smile.
“And things that infuriated him about you.”
“I’m always at least ten minutes late for everything.”
“Exactly. But you both know when to let things go. The most important thing is that the two of you are good at resolving problems.”
That was true, but this time she was the problem.
“Erica is right,” Claudia said. “There’s nothing you and Pete can’t fix.”
“I don’t know.” Anna used to believe that, but her confidence had been rocked. She was ashamed of herself, but also confused. “The thing is I am dreading the children leaving, and I can’t pretend I’m not.” But she could see now that she could have been more sensitive about it. She’d stomped in without once thinking how Pete might interpret her reaction.
Erica was silent for a moment. “You can love Pete and enjoy being with him and still feel sad about the kids leaving,” she said finally. “He’s a smart guy. Surely he doesn’t think one emotion cancels out the other?”
“I don’t know. But I can see why he’d be hurt.” It was painful to admit it. “I’ve never once talked about the positive, only the negative. I’ve never said Hey, Pete, we can go on a cruise, or spend a month in Paris learning French.”
“Well, he has a job,” Claudia said briskly, “so a month in Paris would be difficult.”
“I need to fix this.” Anna rubbed her throbbing head with her fingers. “I don’t know how.”
“You could book a posh hotel and buy new lingerie?”
“I think it’s more complicated than that. I need to look at things differently. See opportunities instead of black clouds. Take this Christmas, for example. We have so many traditions and they’re gradually slipping away. Instead of being excited, I’m thinking what if this is the last time? It feels like an ending.” She extracted her hand from Erica’s and poured herself a glass of water. “I don’t know what to do. What am I going to do?”
“Don’t ask us,” Claudia muttered. “You’re the relationship expert. You and Pete, you’re—”
“Yes, except we’re not.” And she realized how badly she needed her friends to tell her everything would be okay. She needed to hear that from someone, preferably from Pete, but if not him then her friends.
But they didn’t. They were silent, as if this tremor in the foundations of the one relationship they’d always regarded as rock solid had somehow shaken them, too.
Claudia shrugged helplessly. “I don’t know, Anna. Erica? You’re the crisis expert.”
“Not a marriage crisis expert.” Erica ran her hand over the back of her neck and breathed. “We all need to stay calm. Maybe if you did a couple of things differently, it would show him you’d paid attention to his feelings.”
Their concern escalated Anna’s own feelings of anxiety.
“Like what? I can hardly lie and say I can’t wait for the kids to go to college.”
“I don’t know,” Erica said. “But maybe it’s to do with not clinging on to the little things. Claudia?”
“Why are you looking at me? My relationship fell apart without me even noticing it was happening. I’m the last person to help.”
Erica floundered. “You were upset about the tree—the kids had plans, you wanted to stick to the usual. Pete suggested lunch.”
“And that was thoughtful.” Anna covered her face with her hands. “And I snapped at him. I should have been flexible. And appreciative that he was trying so hard.”
Erica rubbed her back gently. “Maybe it is time to make new traditions instead of clinging to the old ones.”
Anna let her hands drop into her lap. She felt exhausted. “Any suggestions?”