“You’re pleased I’m incompetent?”
“You’re not incompetent. I’m pleased that’s the reason you didn’t call.”
“What other reason would there be?”
“I upset you. Because all I’ve thought about lately is the kids leaving.”
“I was upset, but that was my problem. Seeing you distressed about something I can’t help with makes me feel helpless. Inadequate.”
She was stunned. “Inadequate? How?”
“Because this is our family. It’s my job to make sure everything is stable and everyone is happy. If one of the kids has an issue, I’m going to do what I can to fix it or help them fix it themselves. Same for you. But I couldn’t see a way to help you with this.”
Things suddenly started to make more sense. “Is that why you suggested another baby?”
“Desperate measures. I didn’t know what to do, Anna. I wanted there to be a simple solution. I wanted us to be enough.”
It was a struggle to hold back the emotion. “We are enough. More than enough.”
“Remember that conversation we had in the kitchen when we were talking about the Christmas tree? You said you didn’t regret having the kids. You said they were the best thing that ever happened to you and I agreed.”
“Yes.” She wondered where he was going with this.
“I was wrong.” He paused. “The kids aren’t the best thing that ever happened to me, Anna. You’re the best thing that ever happened to me because without you there would be no kids. There would be no cozy, welcoming home. There would be no laughter and warmth. It’s you, Anna. For me, it’s always been you. You’re everything.”
You’re everything.
She gave up trying to fight the emotion. Tears slid down her cheeks.
“You’re everything to me, too. And I owe you an apology. A big one. I hurt you—” her voice cracked “—and I feel terrible about that. I was thoughtless and careless and I will never do that again. I don’t know when I became so focused on the kids, but that’s going to change. Yes, I feel sad about the fact that everything is changing, but I’m also excited. I’m excited about all the things we’re going to get to do that we couldn’t possibly have done when we had kids living at home. And I should have said that before now. I’m sorry, Pete.” She’d used up all her tissues on Erica’s wine accident, so she wiped her tears with her sleeve.
“Don’t cry, honey.” His voice was soft. “Honestly? It’s good to know you’re not actually perfect after all.”
She gave a choked laugh. “What are you talking about? Of course I’m perfect.” It was a relief to joke about it, a relief to feel that warmth between them once again.
“In fact, you are pretty perfect. After this week I think I’m understanding more about why you feel the way you do. This home stuff is all-consuming and sometimes I forget that. It’s your whole world. It’s more than losing your job, because normally, if you lose your job you still have a home. But in your case, home fills your life. I’m sorry I didn’t really get that.”
She finally found a tissue and blew her nose. “And I’m sorry if I made you feel for one second that you weren’t enough. Or important. Or that I wasn’t looking forward to exploring a new life together.” Her voice cracked. “I love you so much.”
“I know you do. And I love you.” His voice softened. “What I said about having another baby—I know it was a wild suggestion, but I meant it. If that’s what you want, let’s do it.”
This time the answer was easy. “It’s not what I want, but thank you for always paying attention to my happiness.”
“In that case, we need to start thinking about how we can make this transition easier for you.”
She leaned back against the cushions, wondering whether to mention the children’s book club idea. No. She wanted to think about it a little more first. “This week away has been good for that. It has given me some perspective. I need to accept that it’s going to be an adjustment, and I need to just go with it and focus on other things. Maybe we can go back to Paris, and this time stay somewhere with a view and eat in romantic bistros instead of having a carpet picnic.”
“I love that idea. We’ll book the trip for just after we take them to college. That way we won’t sit around the house moping.”
“You think you’d mope, too?”
“I might, although obviously I’d do it in a manly way. I’d tinker with the car engine or barbecue something and I’d pretend to be the strong one. I definitely wouldn’t confess that I’d messaged Meg five times to check she was okay.”
She laughed. “Paris sounds like a good idea.”
“And I was thinking more about how upset you were about our Christmas tree trip. I was too casual about it. I know how much you love our traditions, particularly at Christmas, so I’m going to try harder to make sure we keep those going.”
“You weren’t casual. I was clinging too tightly to tradition. What does it matter when we fetch the tree? I’ve been thinking a lot about Christmas generally, and I have a suggestion.” The idea had come to her while she’d been talking to Erica and Claudia and the more she’d thought about it, the more she was convinced it was the perfect solution.
She hoped her family thought so, too. And as for the future—when the children finally left for college they’d learn to be Anna and Pete again.
Catherine Swift may have given up on romance, but Anna definitely hadn’t. Sometimes when handling change you didn’t need to do something dramatic or big. Sometimes you just needed to shift the emphasis.
TWENTY-FIVE
Erica
Erica zipped her suitcase and put it by the door. It was hard to believe a week had passed. Hard to believe that less than seven days ago she’d been looking for ways of escaping this ordeal.
There was a tap on the door and she opened it to find Anna standing there looking fresh and happy in a sweater the color of holly berries.
“Is that yet another new sweater?”
“Maybe. Possibly.” Anna turned pink. “Suits me, don’t you think?”
“It’s the big smile that looks good on you.” Erica picked up her coat and closed the door of her room behind her. “You actually had us worried for a moment. We’re relieved to know that you and Pete are back to your normal state of sickeningly idyllic marital harmony.”
“I can’t wait to see him, although I’m going to miss you and Claudia.”
“You’ll see us again soon.” She looked up as Hattie appeared in the corridor. “Any luck?”
“Yes.” She beamed at Erica. “Just had a cancellation. A couple flying in from San Francisco has had a family emergency and they’ve had to postpone their trip, so I have a room for three nights. Does that work?”
Erica felt a little flicker of nerves. No turning back now. “It works.”
Anna looked at her curiously. “You’re coming back?”
“I am. Jack and I are coming here for a mini break over Christmas.”