“I can see that.” I mimicked her movements, inching closer. “I should thank you.”
“For what?”
“For easing my pain.”
“You don’t have to,” she whispered.
“I know, but I want to,” I said, still sort of blown away by the fact that she would do that for me. For anyone. Especially knowing how the Duke treated her. “Thank you.”
“It’s nothing.” That thick fringe of lashes swept down, shielding her eyes from me.
“I was right.”
“About what?”
“About you being brave and strong,” I told her. “You risk a lot when you use your gift.”
“I don’t think I’ve risked enough,” she said, her fingers tangling. “I couldn’t help Vikter. I was too…overwhelmed. Maybe if I wasn’t fighting it so much, I would’ve at least taken his pain.”
“But you took Airrick’s,” I reminded her. “You helped him.” And countless others. I brought my brow to hers. “You are utterly nothing like I expected.”
“You keep saying that,” she said. “What did you expect?”
“I honestly don’t know anymore,” I admitted, only knowing that I never expected her. Ever.
Gods.
She was…
Fuck, I was simply blown away by her. Who wouldn’t be? Those who’d stared at her with distrust earlier would be on their knees before her if they knew her kindness and strength. Hell, I was half-tempted to get on mine.
“Poppy?”
Her soft breath danced across my lips. “Yes?”
I brought my fingers to her cheek. “I hope you realize that no matter what anyone has ever told you, you are more worthy than anyone I’ve ever met.”
“You haven’t met enough people, then,” she said.
“I have met too many.” Closing my eyes, I kissed her forehead. I had to force myself to lean back instead of tilting her head and bringing my lips to hers. I wasn’t worthy of kissing her. My thumb slid along her jaw. Or even touching her. “You deserve so much more than what awaits you.”
My gods, that was the truest thing I’d ever spoken. Even if I was able to give her freedom, she didn’t deserve the position I was putting her in. She didn’t deserve what the Ascended had already stolen from her. And she wouldn’t deserve the sense of security I would take from her.
Poppy shuddered, her eyes opening. The green was so bright, so clear.
Jaw clenching, I drew back, really hoping I wasn’t—what did she call it? Projecting. I really hoped I wasn’t projecting what I was feeling. “Thank you for trusting me with this.”
She didn’t answer as she looked at me, her lips parted as if she were mid-breath. And she wasn’t just looking at me. Those bright green eyes were slowly tracking over my face, then down my shoulders to the hand that rested between us. Her gaze slowly made its way back up to mine, and the breath she let out caused mine to snag for the third damn time.
“You shouldn’t look at me like that,” I warned her.
“Like what?” Poppy’s voice had taken on a breathy quality that stroked every part of me.
“You know exactly how you’re looking at me.” I closed my eyes. “Actually, you might not, and that’s why I should leave.”
Because I knew the look in those beautiful eyes, even if I didn’t catch the scent of her rising desire. She looked at me like she wanted to be kissed.
Stared at me like she needed more than that. Wanted more.
And fuck, I was a little shocked that she would come to that choice because of what it meant for her—for the role she had been placed in. That was huge. My body, however, was not shocked, and was immediately on board—blood heating and cock hardening. I started to lean toward her, answering the need and want I saw in her stare. Every fiber of my being demanded it. Wanted it.
But she was real. The entirety of her.
And I wasn’t. Everything about me was a lie.
“How am I looking at you, Hawke?”
I stiffened, eyes opening. “Like I don’t deserve to be looked at. Not by you.”
“Not true,” she swore.
My chest clenched. “I wish that was the case. Gods, I do. I need to leave.” I stood quickly, backing up.
I needed to get out of this chamber before the fragile hold I had on my self-control snapped. And it was already nearly nonexistent. Because what I’d said to Kieran before? That I wasn’t that much of a piece of shit? It was a lie. I was. Because with Poppy, it was too easy to forget who I really was. It was too easy to lose myself in her, let go of all the nasty shit that had brought me to her. It was too damn easy to…to live right alongside Poppy.
And, gods, I wanted that. Badly. But I couldn’t even fool myself into believing that I could stay and show her pleasure. I was not altruistic. This wasn’t the Blood Forest. There were no barriers here.
I had to leave.
“Goodnight, Poppy.” I did one of the hardest damn things I’d ever done and turned for the door. I made it halfway.
“Hawke?”
I stopped, even though I knew I shouldn’t. It was like her voice was a compulsion.
“Will you…？” Her voice strengthened. “Will you stay with me tonight?”
I shuddered to my bones. “I want nothing more than that, but I don’t think you realize what will happen if I stay.”
“What would happen?”
I turned then, and I could see her pulse thrumming in her throat from where I stood. “There is no way I could be in that bed with you and not be all over you in ten seconds flat. We wouldn’t even make it to the bed before that happened. I know my limitations.”
The chest of her robe rose with a sweet, sharp breath.
“I know that I’m not a good enough man to remember my duty and yours or that I’m so incredibly unworthy of you it should be a sin,” I told her. “Even knowing that, there is no way I wouldn’t strip that robe from you and do exactly what I told you I’d do when we were in the forest.”
And that was the godsdamn truth. Despite what I knew. Despite my lies. Despite how she deserved so much fucking better than me. I would take her.
Poppy’s stare met mine. “I know.”
I sucked in a breath. “Do you?”
She nodded.
“I’m not just going to hold you. I won’t stop at kissing you. My fingers won’t be the only thing inside you,” I promised, blood thickening. “My need for you is far too great, Poppy. If I stay, you will not walk out this door the Maiden.”
Poppy shivered. “I know.”
I’d moved without realizing it, taking too many steps away from the door—away from what was right—and toward her—toward what was so damn wrong. “Do you truly, Poppy?”
She didn’t speak as she held my heated stare. Instead, steady hands lifted to the sash at her waist, and everything in me stopped and then sped up as she undid it. The robe parted, revealing a sliver of the inner swells of her breasts, a glimpse of her stomach, and the shadowy paradise between her thighs.
Then Poppy let the robe slip from her shoulders and fall to the floor.
I wanted to be a good man who would walk away from what he knew he wasn’t worthy or deserving of. The kind Kieran believed I was. The type I had been raised to be. But I wasn’t a good man.