“Did you mean it?” Daniel demanded.
“How long were you standing there?” James asked.
Daniel didn’t move. “Long enough. What I want to know is if you meant what you said about me and the clothes and all of that. Was that something you used to get a point across with your mother?”
James shook his head. “I meant every word.”
“Even the glitz, glamour, and tits part?” Daniel actually smiled, slowly lowering his arms.
“Yes. I meant all of it. Remember, I fell in love with you while you were wearing a dress most of the time. But I was always aware of the person underneath.” James drew closer. “So yes, I need to say the words to you, so you know exactly how I feel. I love you, Daniel. I’m not sure I know or understand when it happened, but it did. I don’t have any answers as to what will occur when we go home and return to our lives. But I do know that I want you to be part of mine, and I want to be included in yours.”
Daniel shifted his weight from foot to foot. “Chicago is a long way from here, and things are very different there. I have commitments and a life that I don’t want to give up.” He cleared his throat and did something James hadn’t seen before: fidgeted and prevaricated. Daniel wasn’t the nervous type, at least as far as James knew. “It’s easy enough for you to think that everything is going to be just like it was here when we return, but it isn’t. Are you really prepared to be seen by not just your friends, but the people at work, with Lala on your arm?”
James opened his mouth and snapped it shut as he tried to answer the question. Honestly, it wasn’t something he had thought about before. Not that he was ashamed of Daniel in any way, but the notion hadn’t crossed his mind thus far. Probably like many things when it came to Daniel.
“That’s what I thought.”
“Now, hold it…” James interjected.
Daniel took another step back. “You don’t need to make any commitments now. What you said is sweet, and you don’t know how much I appreciated hearing it.” Daniel stroked his cheek. “But let’s not take things too far too fast.” His breath skittered, and James felt Daniel’s jitters roll off him in waves. “You just told your parents, and you’re going to have to deal with your sisters, and then the wedding and the reception, where you’re going to be the talk of the evening. Everything has changed for you.” He pulled his hand back. “That’s a lot to take in all at once, and it’s natural for you to want to hold on to anyone who might seem safe or known.” Daniel blinked. “You’re an amazing man, James, but you’ve been through a lot. You don’t need to make commitments in the heat of emotion that you may regret.”
James drew nearer, not ready to let Daniel just walk away. “Are you saying you don’t feel the same way? That you aren’t interested in even seeing if we’re a possibility?”
Now it was Daniel’s turn to hesitate, and James thanked god for it. He had half expected Daniel to tell him no immediately.
“I don’t know,” Daniel answered, and James had never known those words to feel so final and so harsh. He suddenly and clearly understood his own feelings, and to have Daniel hesitate hurt more than he’d thought it would.
“I need to dress and check some things on the internet about officiating today,” James explained as he passed Daniel on his way back to the bedroom.
Daniel followed, which wasn’t exactly ideal, since James had been hoping for a few minutes alone to try to deal with his disappointment.
Chapter Eighteen
Damn it all, Daniel thought as the bedroom door closed behind him. He knew he had hurt James, but what he’d said was the truth. With all the upheaval of the last few hours, it wasn’t fair for Daniel to hold James to some words said in haste and high emotion. He didn’t doubt that James was feeling some, maybe all, of what he’d said, but he had just come out to his family. That was a moment of real vulnerability, and Daniel wouldn’t take advantage of that. He didn’t know what he was going to do or what was going to happen when they got back to Chicago. It was just too soon. “I did some looking on the internet and a couple of ‘churches’ will ordain you right away.”
“Okay,” James answered quietly, sitting on the edge of the bed. “I need to get my laptop so I can make that happen.”
Daniel sat down next to James. “It’s not that easy, though. The sites all say that before performing any service, you need to contact the local county clerk for instructions and to notify them that you are ordained and planning to perform marriages. There are registration forms that need to be completed.” He hated being the bearer of bad news.