He nodded once. “Good. Now, help me get Barney set up and I’ll point you toward Saoirse.”
Chapter Fortyfour
Saoirse
I’d spent the day out in the fields with my father. He’d given me half his tasks, and we’d still managed to have more than enough work for both of us.
More than ever, I understood his need to be busy. When I was checking fences and moving cattle from one field to another, I didn’t have time to think about the life I was missing.
The man I was missing.
Dad headed back to the barn, but I wasn’t quite ready to be around the rest of my family, so I rode Athena to our favorite spot by the stream and let her graze while I dipped my feet in the water. The cold ripples around my tired legs were heavenly. I stood there, my face tipped to the endless sky, and closed my eyes.
I loved it here, but I could never live here. The peacefulness of wide-open spaces made for a beautiful place to retreat to, but the city was where I belonged.
A few more days, and I’d go back. I’d said in the letter I’d left for Luca I’d be gone for two weeks, but I was hoping he’d be open to speaking before then.
I wondered if he missed me the way I missed him.
Was he thinking about me, or was he relieved I was gone? The possibility of the latter was a punch to the gut.
Either way, I had to face what was to come. Being at the ranch was a much-needed respite, but I needed answers more than anything.
The sound of grunting and cursing brought me out of my reverie. I opened my eyes, surprised to see someone riding in my direction. Well…lumbering was a more apt description. Barney didn’t go faster than a turtle these days.
Who the hell was riding Barney?
Another curse, and the rider in all black listed to the side until he tumbled in slow motion all the way off. Barney came to a halt, nudging the man with his nose.
Alarmed, I scampered out of the stream and hurried over to them. “Are you okay?” I called.
The man in black sat up, shoving his hair out of his face, giving me my first clear view of him. My feet stopped moving, and my jaw dropped.
“That wasn’t exactly the entrance I’d planned on making.” Luca got to his feet and brushed himself off, then he started toward me.
“Are you hurt?”
The corner of his mouth hitched. “Nothing but my pride.”
I hadn’t moved. My mind was still trying to reconcile that the man I’d just been thinking about was right here in person, with a pink bow in his hair, no less. He must have run into Hannah.
“You’re here.” I whispered it, not really even meaning to say it aloud, but Luca heard me.
“I’m here. I’m beginning to think Lock was fucking with me with that saddle and that damn horse, but I can’t be mad. He got me here.” He stopped a foot away from me, scanning me from head to toe. I was dirty and a little sweaty, with a trucker hat on my head and Elena’s boots on my feet. “You look like a cowgirl.”
“You look like a dream.” I squeezed my eyes shut, then cracked them open, finding him right where he was. “But you’re really here. What are you doing here?”
His brows drew together in a straight line. “Did you really think I’d wait two weeks to talk to you?” He shook his head, huffing, and spread his arms wide. “You wanted space. You have it. Look at all the space around you. The thing is, I’m going to be joining you in your space.”
“That’s not how space works.”
“That’s how it’s going to work for us.” He reached out, taking my hand in his. “Come sit with me so we can talk.”
“I tried doing that with you, but you weren’t interested.”
His hold on my hand tightened, and his thumb moved to my ring finger like a magnet.
“Where are your rings?” An echo of the last time we did this, but his tone held no accusation now.
I wiggled my fingers in his. “It’s not smart to wear rings when I’m working around the ranch. They’re in a little pouch beside my bed, safe and sound.”
His eyes were soft on mine. “Are you going to put them on later?”
My breath caught at his loaded question. “Do you want me to?”
He exhaled through his nose. “Let’s sit down.”
Trying not to panic, I let him lead me to the grass by the stream. We sat down side by side. Luca’s long legs were stretched out in front of him. Mine were tucked against my chest, my arms around them.
He stroked his fingers along my ponytail, then ghosted his hand down the length of my spine.
“You need to know I’m so fucking sorry for how I treated you.”
I turned to him, my chin on my arms. “Okay.”
“I could offer excuses like stress, the circumstances, but you already know what was going on because you were standing by my side the whole way. As you have been from the beginning.”
“You’ve been standing with me too,” I said.
“I’ve tried, pretty girl, but I know I let you down this time.”
I didn’t know what to say to that. He wasn’t wrong.
Luca sighed. “I thought I could do this arrangement with you. But I messed up and fell in love with you, despite my efforts to avoid it. We never should have done this.”
Oh, that hurt too badly to reply. He watched me with sorrowful eyes, but I couldn’t bring myself to argue or tell him he was wrong. He’d driven all the way here, so clearly, his mind was made up.
“When you walked out in your pink dress on our wedding day, I could barely look at you. And then you had this ring for me, a ring I would have chosen for myself if I’d had the opportunity, and acknowledging it had felt too big. That whole day had felt too fucking big. How’d it feel to you?”
I sucked in a shaky breath. “I asked you what you thought of my dress, and you said, ‘I suspect you know exactly how you look.’ I can still hear you saying that. But then you gave me roses and kissed me like you meant it.” I shrugged. “It was confusing.”
“Saoirse.” He nudged me beneath my chin. “I could barely look at you in that dress because you looked like my wife. I was trying to distance myself from you, the ceremony, the entire event, but it was impossible. All of it felt real to me. The orchid in your hair, our kiss, the fucking pictures I’ve stared at every single day since. Every time I pushed you away, it was to protect myself because I have been falling in love with you since we met. And I have always believed you when you said marriage wasn’t for you. I respect that.”
I pulled away from him. “But you didn’t. You made demands of me that weren’t fair.”
“I know.” His rejected hand curved around my jaw, refusing to break contact with me. “I’m not ashamed to admit I got scared. I’m only ashamed of how I handled it. You have been my constant, pretty girl. With Clara’s world crumbling, I saw how easy it was to lose everything, and I panicked. I made demands I had no right to make. Now that I’m on the other side of it, I know I was wrong, one hundred percent.”
“I know something about fear,” I told him.
His jaw rippled with tension. “I know you do, and I’m sorry for that. I never want you to be afraid of me.”