“Like what?” I ask.
“Like your father used to when he was disappointed in me. In me! His Empress.”
He obviously didn’t look at her like that enough. If he had, maybe we wouldn’t be here.
“What if I won’t do it?” I ask.
Her eyes narrow. “Well, we can always have you dragged to the thing in shackles and force your hand—literally. But I don’t think that will be necessary. Will it?”
“I won’t do it, Mother. I won’t have anything to do with killing all those people.”
She considers me for a moment, her head tilted to one side like she always does when she’s thinking. “You know, Dr. Veragelen isn’t the only person to have survived the Caelestis aside from your group of outlaws. Your companion-in-waiting and bodyguard are still here as well. I considered having them executed as examples of what happens when someone fails in their duty to the Ruling Families. I changed my mind when I received news that you were alive. But, Kali, cross me in this, and they will suffer. Make no mistake.”
Bile burns the back of my throat as my heart threatens to beat out of my chest. Lara and Arik. How can I lose them now, when I’ve just found them again? But I don’t say anything else—even I can figure out that the time for talking to her is through…if it ever existed at all.
She gets to her feet. “But it won’t come to that.”
Silently, I shake my head.
“Good. Now, drink your fiznachi. You need to get cleaned up. You have a public appearance in an hour, and I don’t think I need to remind you that you must make me proud.” She leaves.
I don’t move until the door closes behind her. Then I pick up the bottle of fiznachi and take a long pull. It doesn’t touch the horror cycling inside me. Then again, I don’t think anything will—not even a bottle of Ian’s gerjgin.
I think I made a terrible mistake leaving the Starlight.
Chapter 75
Kali
“Your Highness.” Lara greets me with a little curtsy when I walk into my rooms a few minutes later.
Even with my mother’s threat hanging in the air, the joy at seeing Lara here, alive if not safe, is overwhelming. I hug her like I hugged Arik, and she responds much the same way—with shock, followed by a hug nearly as desperate as mine. “I’m so glad you’re okay,” I whisper, holding her close.
“I’m so glad you’re okay.” She pulls away. “Though you do stink, if you don’t mind me saying so.”
“I’ve been told.”
“I’ll run you a bath.” She starts toward my bathroom, which is nearly as big as all of the Starlight. The thought shames me.
“You don’t have to do that. I’ll just grab a quick shower.”
She shakes her head adamantly. “It’s my job to run your bath.”
“Yeah, well, after everything my mother has put you through, I think you deserve a break. Or ten.” I don’t want to panic Lara—yet—but my mother’s threat is echoing in my ears. I can’t allow them to kill three planets’ worth of people, but how can I sacrifice my earliest friend?
When she looks down at her shoes, my chest tightens. “Was it horrible?” I ask. I’m afraid of the answer, but I’m not going to hide from it, either.
My days of hiding are done.
“Nowhere near as horrible as what happened to you, I’m sure,” she finally answers. “What did that guard do to you?”
She’s talking about Ian. “He saved my life.” It’s not the only thing he did to me, but that’s all Lara needs to know, at least right now.
She studies me for a second. “You care about him, don’t you?”
That she can read me so easily takes me aback for a second, but then I’m smiling. There’s no point in denying it. “I did, yes. But I had to leave, and I’m sure he’ll never forgive me for it. Still, I did what I had to.”
Lara studies me for a second, and I can see the same realization in her eyes that my mother had. Even before she says, “You’ve changed, Your Highness.” But from her, it doesn’t sound like a crime.
“What did my mother do to you and Arik?” I look at her closely now, at her bruised skin and the shadows under her eyes.
“It’s not important.”
I want to push her, but it’s obvious the subject is making her uncomfortable. It reminds me that trust is a terrifying thing at the palace, and not something any of us are very practiced in. After my weeks on the Starlight, it’s hard to imagine how I lived like this for so long, watching my back every second of the day, waiting for a blade to slip between my ribs.
“Hey, Lara. I’m back now, and you’re safe. Whatever she did to you, I won’t ever let her do it again.”
Lara nods, her throat working before she turns and heads toward the bathroom. “I will turn the shower on for you.”
“You don’t have to—” I start, but she’s already gone.
After I scrub my hair and every millimeter of my body, I step out of the shower and reach for a towel. But Lara is already there, ready to dry me off and rub scented lotion into my skin.
I wave her away. I’ve been taking care of myself for weeks. I think I can manage to dry off without any extra help.
Again, Lara looks shocked and a little sad, but she sets herself to pulling my clothes for the public appearance out of my wardrobe. I have a flashback to standing in that store in Rangar with Ian, watching him haggle for the clothes I picked out for Beckett, Rain, and myself. I’ve come a long way from that moment, but the sensation in my heart remains the same. It was fun and exciting. It was real.
Suddenly, I have the most intense longing for Ian. I hadn’t realized how safe he made me feel. How protected, even when he was mad at me. Now I’m here with Lara and Arik, and it’s my turn to do the looking after.
My turn to keep them safe.
I don’t mind it—I’d do anything for them. But a reassuring hug from Rain or a growl from Ian would go a long way to making my stomach—and my heart—feel steadier.
Lara’s patience with my newfound independence runs out right about the time I slip into my undergarments. She hands me a robe, which I put on, and then she points me toward my dressing table. While part of me wants to argue, another part of me doesn’t give a shit what I look like.
Which probably means I should let her take over.
“Your mother had this dress made for you once Arik picked you up on that Glacean moon,” Lara tells me as she pulls it out. “Isn’t it beautiful?”
It is, but it’s also ostentatious and a massive reminder of just how grossly the Empire treats its people. The dress is, of course, royal purple, not quite as elaborate as the Imperial Regalia I wore on the Caelestis, but it’s more than fancy enough to make my stomach roll. Even before I see the elaborate pattern made by the tiny stones embedded in the velvet. Stones that I know could feed a lot of people for a very long time.
Don’t fucking puke.
It’s like I’ve never been away. Nothing has changed at all—except me.
I stand perfectly still, as a princess should, while Lara buttons me into the elaborate dress and fixes the royal cloak over my shoulders.