Individual targets acquired.
“Get us out of here, Beckett!” I order. The last thing I need Kali to see is the Starlight opening fire on her mother’s entire battalion of guards in zoomed-in high-def.
“I’m trying!” she shoots back as she messes with the control panel.
Individual targets locked.
“Now, Beckett!” I growl.
“I’m—” She puts her hand on the velocity control for what has to be the tenth time. But this time it actually works, and the Starlight shoots backward and up, up, up. Ninety seconds later, we’re leaving Askkandia’s atmosphere and soaring straight into space.
“Set a course for the Wilds,” I tell Beckett as I lean back in my chair.
Because now that our crew is back together, time is running out, and nothing is going to keep me from getting to Milla before it’s too late.
Chapter 81
Kali
As soon as we’re safely past Askkandia’s atmosphere, I fumble my way out of my harness and race out of the room. Grief and horror and shame are pressing in on me from all sides until I can’t think. Can’t breathe.
Thankfully, I make it to the head before anyone can stop me to check on me, and I lock myself in. Water isn’t unlimited on a spaceship—not even close—but I can’t think about that right now. Instead, I turn the tap on and let the water run over my wrists for a couple of minutes. The chill of it calms me down, giving me something to focus on besides the frantic beating of my heart and the instant replay that my brain wants to do of everything that just happened.
Every time I close my eyes, I see Lara flinging herself off that parapet. I see Arik going down under that guard’s fire. I see my mother watching the whole thing with satisfaction in her eyes. Satisfaction. Two people she has known for years are dead because of her, and she looks satisfied.
Just knowing that messes me up deep inside. It makes me angry, but even more, it makes me sad. Sad for Lara and Arik. Sad for myself. Sad for my mother.
It’s that last one that messes me up so much. My mother is a horrible, horrible woman. She doesn’t deserve anyone feeling sad for her. And yet, here I am, hands shaking and tears burning the backs of my eyes as I try to figure out what I’m supposed to do now. And how I’m supposed to feel.
But I can’t hide in the bathroom forever, no matter how much I want to. So I cup water in my hands and splash it over my face until all the makeup that makes me look like Princess Kalinda is gone and all that’s left is me. Kali.
I’m still learning who she is, and I probably will be for a while. But at least I know who I don’t want her to be.
No matter what happens, no matter how much I get hurt or how afraid I am, I’ll never be like my mother. More concerned with myself than with the people I’m supposed to care about. The people I’m responsible for.
When I’ve finally managed to get all the elaborate makeup off, I grab a towel and dry my face before heading to my cabin. I know I should probably return to the bridge and thank everyone for coming back for me, but I’m exhausted and miserable and all I really want to do is lay down in my bed and cry. Just for a little while. Then I’ll figure out what to do, how to save the system without killing millions of people.
But I barely make the turn into the hallway near my bedroom before I run into Ian. He’s coming out of his room, looking as exhausted as I feel, with some extra grumpiness.
Our eyes lock, and I wait for him to say something to me. This is the first chance we’ve had to say something to each other when we’re not being shot at or flung around by the Starlight. But he doesn’t say anything at all. He just turns and walks away without so much as a nod.
And suddenly, my exhaustion disappears. Anger takes its place, and before I know I’m going to do it, I take off after him. “What’s wrong with you?” I ask as I chase him down the corridor toward the galley.
He doesn’t answer, which just makes me angrier. I’ve spent my life being ignored by my mother, either being told that my questions and opinions don’t matter or just not being answered at all. No way am I going to let Ian treat me the same way.
“Hey!” I grab his arm. “I’m trying to talk to you.”
He shakes me off and walks into the galley, where he pours himself a glass of water and drinks it with his back to me.
“Seriously? You’re going to pretend I don’t exist? I don’t deserve that.”
“You don’t deserve it?” he snarls, finally whirling around to face me. “You didn’t want to talk when you had Beckett drop you on fucking Espia like you were running away. You didn’t want to talk when you decided to go back to your mother and your fancy dresses.” He sneers as his eyes run over my clothing. “And you sure as fuck didn’t want to talk when you crept out of my fucking ship in the middle of the night and disappeared from my life like what we were didn’t matter at all. So why the fuck do you want to talk right now?”
For the first time since he showed up on Askkandia, I realize that Ian is furious. Not just angry, not just enraged, but deeply, coldly furious in a way I don’t think I’ve ever seen him. Sure, he’s been annoyed or mad or frustrated before, but not like this. Not like he really wants nothing to do with me. Or worse, like he’s disgusted by me.
Tears burn my eyes and tighten up my throat, but I swallow them back down and keep my expression as controlled as possible. No way am I going to cry in front of him when he’s looking at me like that. No way I’m going to try to do anything with him.
I step back, hands up in a gesture of surrender, and back out of the galley, more determined than ever to hide in my room until I can get my feet back under me.
But this time, Ian’s the one who follows me. “Nothing to say now, Kali?” he sneers. “Why am I even surprised? Seems pretty typical to me.”
He moves to brush past me, and suddenly the tears are gone and I’m back to being angry—as angry as he is. “I left when you were asleep because I knew you’d try to talk me out of it!” I shout at his back.
“Like that’s an excuse?” He whirls around. “You literally fled the ship like I was some kind of abusive asshole. How do you think that made me feel? Oh, wait, you didn’t worry about that, did you? I mean, why should you? It’s not like I’m a normal person with normal feelings, right? I’m just some weirdo you couldn’t get away from fast enough!”
I freeze, blinking in confusion. “What do you mean, some kind of weirdo?” I demand.
His eyes narrow. “Don’t play naive with me. If that’s the way you feel, it’s fine. I just wish you’d said something to me instead of running away.”
Now I’m not only confused—I’m baffled. “Said something to you about what?”
“The gestalt, Kali,” he roars. “The hive mind between Milla, Max, and me. Once you heard about it, you couldn’t get away fast enough.”
I recoil in horror. “You can’t actually believe that, Ian. You can’t actually believe I left the ship because I was…” I trail off, not even sure what word to use at this point.
“Disgusted,” he fills in. “Go ahead and say it. You were disgusted by me. By us.”