“No.”
“Fuck, Kali, it’s even worse when you deny it. If that’s how you feel, fine. I get it—it’s not like you’re the only one in Senestris who would feel uncomfortable being with me knowing what I am. I know it’s a lot; we all do. It’s why we keep that shit close and don’t tell anyone. But you could have been honest with me. You could have just said how you felt. I wouldn’t have held it against you.”
“Just like you’re not holding my leaving against me?” I ask archly.
“Oh, no, I’m definitely holding that shit against you. It was a dick move, and if you can’t even figure out why that is, then I don’t know what to say to you.”
Again, he starts to move past me, and again I get in his way. Because it’s occurring to me what’s really going on here. Ian isn’t angry with me at all—he’s hurt. I hurt him, and he’s not going to forgive me for it easily.
Still, when you hurt someone, you should apologize to them. It’s one of the first things I learned from Lara when we were just children. She knocked me down accidentally, and she apologized to me for it.
It was the first time in my whole life that I’d ever heard someone use the word sorry, and I remember how it made me feel. Like I was important. Like I mattered—not because I was a princess, but because I was me.
Somehow, I made Ian feel like he didn’t matter. And that really sucks, considering people have been making him feel like that his entire life.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper to him, resting a hand on his muscular forearm. “The last thing I ever meant to make you feel is like you disgusted me.”
“Forget it, Kali.” Again, he goes to shrug me off. But this time, I’m hanging on.
“Look at me,” I whisper, and I don’t let go until he does. “I have a lot of feelings about you, Ian. But the one thing I definitely don’t feel—the one thing I could never feel—is disgust.”
“Princess—”
“No.” I press two fingers to his lips. “It’s my turn to talk and your turn to listen. I didn’t leave the ship because I found out about you being a gestalt. Did it surprise me? Yeah, it absolutely did. Did it make me not want you anymore?” I blush as I think about the last time we were together, in the galley. “Not even a little bit.
“I’ve never wanted anyone in my life the way that I want you. And finding out about Milla and Max didn’t change that. If I’m being honest, I don’t think anything could change it.” To prove it to him, I move closer, until my body is pressed against his. And though I know this is a bad idea, though I know it’s the last thing I should be doing right now, I thread my hands through his short, coarse hair and pull his mouth to mine.
For one perfect second, heat explodes between us. But then he’s stepping back, ripping his mouth away from mine. “Why’d you leave like that, then? Why’d you sneak away in the middle of the night if it wasn’t because you couldn’t wait to get away from me?”
I consider lying to him. Not to protect him—to protect me. It’s been a really shit day, and already I’m feeling more vulnerable than I ever want to feel again. But he’s feeling vulnerable, too. For Ian, a guy who’d much rather punch something than talk to it, to bare his emotions to me like this is no small thing. Lying to him now, or ever, feels like a really terrible thing to do.
So I don’t lie. Instead, I take a deep breath and admit the truth. “Because I knew I had to go in order to protect everyone. And if you were awake and watching me, there was no way I’d ever be able to walk away. Not when I want you the way that I do.”
It’s his turn to take a deep breath. His turn to blow it out slowly. And his turn to show just how vulnerable he is when he whispers, “And how do you want me, Kali?”
“Too much,” I whisper back. “I want you too much.”
Ian’s eyes go dark, the chasm of want that opens up in them threatening to swallow me whole. But before he can reach for me, Max comes barreling around the corner. He doesn’t even blink when he sees us standing so close together, but then, why would he? If he and Ian share a mind, he probably knows everything that just happened here.
Or does he? I realize I don’t know. And that maybe I should find out.
“You need something?” Ian asks after a second.
“Beckett told me to get you. There’s something important you need to see on the bridge, right away.”
Chapter 82
Ian
“What does that mean?” I demand, pissed off that I’m being interrupted just as I was making some headway with Kali. Then again, maybe it’s a good thing. We sure as shit have a lot to talk about, and maybe clouding it with sex isn’t the way to get that done. Especially since shortly after the last time we hooked up, she up and ran away in the middle of the night.
Maybe it wasn’t because of the gestalt. Maybe it was because she was overwhelmed by everything she was feeling. But it seems like we should probably have another conversation or five before we end up right back there again.
“I think it means get your ass to the bridge,” Max tells me, obviously exasperated. “If I knew more than that, I would have told you.”
Mentally, I flip him off. But I turn to Kali, who says, “Let’s go. We can talk later.”
“You wanna talk about it?” Max says as we make our way back to the bridge.
“Not if you want to keep your head attached to your body.”
He laughs. “So the talk went well then, hmm?”
“I’m glad you think this is funny.”
“Falling in love at the worst possible time with the worst possible woman?” Max’s snort doesn’t have a lot of humor in it. “Yeah, I don’t think there’s a lot that’s funny about that.”
“Who said anything about love?” I snarl.
Now he laughs, a full-blown belly laugh that makes me want to punch him in his smug face. But that would just mean we both had a headache later.
I don’t wait around for his answer, mostly because I know what it’s going to be. Instead, I speed up so that I swing into the bridge several steps in front of Max and Kali. “What’s wrong?” I demand of Beckett, who’s staring at her console like it holds the secrets to the damn universe.
“The Starlight is heading in the wrong direction,” she answers. “And I think it’s because of this,” she adds, popping a graphic up on the main screen.
“Now that’s something you don’t see very often,” Max mutters from behind me.
“What is it?” I demand. “A black blob?”
“By not very often, I assume you mean never,” Merrick says.
“Never say never,” Gage singsongs as even he sits up to watch what’s happening.
“Never minus one?” Rain says quietly, and I realize it’s the first time she’s spoken in a long time. I shoot her a quick look, just to make sure she’s okay, but she’s sitting up like everyone else, her attention completely focused on what’s directly in front of us.
Namely, a huge, dark orb.
It’s the heptosphere.