I shake my head. “I ate a few hours ago.”
She shrugs as if to say my loss. For the first time, I can’t help wondering if she’s right—and I’m not talking about the mash.
Fuck, this is ridiculous. Nearly dying today must have really messed with my head. There’s no other reason for me to be thinking like this.
“Are you done?” Her plate isn’t empty, but she’s put her fork down and leaned back against the bed.
“Yeah, I’m stuffed.”
I take the tray to the small counter and come back with some wound-wash and new bandages. “This shouldn’t hurt,” I tell her as I start unwrapping the bloody gauze. “We just need to clean it up a little.”
“I’m not worried.” She glances down at the wound. “Will I have a scar?”
“None of us are medics, so probably.”
“Good.” She gives me another one of those smiles. “It was a solid joint effort. Plus, now I’ll look mysterious and dangerous.”
“Only if people can see your legs.” I rinse away the newly dried blood with the wound-wash.
“Good point.” She winces a little. “Maybe I’ll get in a few more battles before this trip is over. Aim to get shot or stabbed in somewhere more noticeable this time.”
I smile. “Let’s get you through this battle scar first, okay?” I dry the wound and cover it with bandages to absorb any more leaking while she finishes off the last of her juice.
Concentrating on that keeps me from noticing how good she looks in Max’s shirt, eyes bright and hair wild around her shoulders. But I don’t take advantage of injured women or women under the influence, so it doesn’t matter how good she looks. Only that her wound is clean and taken care of.
“So, are we heading for the Wilds to rescue Milla?” she asks after I get the blanket pulled over her. She doesn’t sound scared, like so many people would be. Just curious.
“Yeah. But first I need to work out exactly how we’re going to get her out of there. The Wilds are a dangerous place, and anyone we might come across out there is not someone we want to be fucking with.”
“Like who?”
“Wilders run the gamut. Space pirates. Raiders. There’s a black market for everything if you know the right people. And it’s pretty lawless out there.”
“Is that how they get away with human trafficking?” she asks, sounding aghast.
“Probably. Growing up on Kridacus, there were stories parents would use to frighten children. Be good or we’ll send you to the Wilds.”
“I keep thinking about those people on the Caelestis. People like Beckett and Milla, experimented on and then dumped like they’re worthless. It’s unconscionable—and it has to stop.”
I don’t disagree. But I also know things have been going on like this for a very long time. Change won’t come easy, if it ever comes at all. “And who’s going to stop it?”
Kali doesn’t say anything else. It’s clear this trip is opening her eyes to what the system—and her mother—is really like. I knew she was an idealist who lived in a gilded bubble. But now that bubble has well and truly burst.
Even beyond that, though, I suspect there’s a core of steel inside her that’s being revealed. And one day, if she gets the chance, she could become a good leader—exactly what this system needs. If we don’t all burn before she gets that chance. And if we can keep her—and everyone else on this ship—alive long enough to see it through.
Fuck. I sink down into the chair, running a hand over my face. How did I ever find myself in the role of protector? That’s never been my thing.
I’m exhausted. And not a little overwhelmed. I have to keep everyone alive and find a way to rescue Milla from the asteroid belt and make sure this damn ship with a mind of its own doesn’t do anything too outrageous and Kali—
I cut myself off before I can go there. Kali and the weird feeling inside me when I think of her are going to have to wait. Because I have a shitload more important things to figure out right now than anything as nebulous as feelings.
But before I can so much as think about solutions, I have to get some sleep.
Kali reaches out and grabs my hand. She swallows, and her lower lip trembles in that way that means she’s trying to be brave but is also really scared or sad. And I’m a fucking goner. Even before she asks, “Will you stay with me?”
It’s a bad idea. No question about it.
I know it, and maybe another night I would care. But after the day we’ve both had, I don’t want to leave her here any more than she wants to be left.
So I shrug out of my jacket. Kick off my boots. Unfasten the holster at my waist.
She watches my every movement, a faint flush across her cheekbones. She wants me. I’ve always known that. Maybe because I’m something she can’t have.
Maybe I want her for the same reason.
Who the fuck knows?
But we’re both safe tonight. The painkillers have already turned her eyes glassy.
I move to the other side of the bed, where her good leg is, and lift the blanket. “Shift over, Princess.”
She scoots to the far side, and I slide in beside her, doing my best not to jostle her. But there’s not a lot of room, and I can feel the warmth of her body as I move as little as possible, trying to get comfortable. I’m never going to sleep like this.
Beside me, her breathing has already slowed. I match mine to hers. And when her slumbering body relaxes, the curve of her side melding to mine, I finally fall asleep.
Chapter 49
Rain
I sit on the edge of my bed in the cabin I usually share with Kali. And technically Beckett, though she never seems to sleep here. I’m not sure where she sleeps. Maybe she doesn’t.
It’s late, really late, but I haven’t been able to sleep.
Because Ian, Kali, and Gage nearly died today.
When I close my eyes, I can still see Kali and Ian hiding behind that wall. We were so close, but I was sure we wouldn’t get there in time. Max was freaking out behind me, yelling at Beckett to go faster, and it was all so scary.
Sure, before now, being in a little bit of danger was fun, exciting. But not this time.
And then the two of them stood up and every bone in my body dissolved at the same instant.
Being on the Starlight has been full of tragedy, like watching the Caelestis implode and knowing how many lives were lost, or when the solar flare set Rangar on fire. And scary, like when the ships attacked us. But for me, a girl who has lived her whole life sheltered away for a cause that maybe never felt fully real to me, it’s still felt full of life. Both the good and the bad.
And there has been good—so much of it. Making friends with Kali, Ian, Gage, Max. Wearing color. Eating snow. And Beckett. Beckett most of all.
But today, when it looked like Ian and Kali were going to die, and we could do absolutely nothing about it, it all slammed into me like the frequent meteor showers on Serati. I realized just how much I’d come to care for all of them.
I’ve never had friends before, and now that I do…now, it matters so much more if we don’t get out of this alive. Reincarnation or not, I don’t want any of us to die. But how do I prevent that from happening when someone is definitely trying to kill us?