Maybe I should talk to Merrick. He’s always been so level, and I usually know what he’s thinking. But now, he’s not talking to me at all. Maybe it’s because he’s so disappointed in me, but I don’t think that’s it. Something else is going on too. I just wish I knew what it was.
Is there more to know about the Sisterhood medal Gage found? More to know about our security forces on Glacea?
I need to know. There’s no way I’m going to sleep with my thoughts whirling around like this.
I jump to my feet and head for the door. He’s not outside like he was the first few nights—like me, I think he’s come to believe that he can trust the others on this ship. Or at least trust them not to kill me.
On my way to the bridge, I pass the galley, and there he is, sitting at the table, a mug of what smells like coffee in front of him and a brooding expression on his handsome face. I still can’t get over how different he looks without his robes.
He glances up as I hover in the door. “You should be sleeping,” he comments before looking back at his coffee.
“I can’t. My mind is going round and round.” I slip into the room, sliding into the chair opposite him, and realize that the coffee odor must be coming from somewhere else, because his mug definitely smells like it’s filled with gerjgin.
“Can I have some?” I ask.
He pulls a bottle from beneath the table, and I grab a mug. He pours a few centimeters of amber liquid, and I take a sip. We sit in silence for a while.
“You seem different since the Caelestis,” I say.
He raises an eyebrow. “I seem different? Have you looked in a mirror recently?”
I reach across the table and touch his arm. “Please talk to me, Merrick,” I beseech. “Maybe I can help.”
He shrugs. “I don’t know.”
He looks so casual that I can feel my anger rising. It’s not an emotion I experience very often, but I recognize it now. He’s lying to me about something—I’m just not sure what. “I’m having a few doubts, Merrick. I need help.”
“Everyone has doubts occasionally, Rain.”
“Do you? Is that what’s going on? You’re doubting your faith?”
He sips his drink. The brooding expression is back, and it doesn’t seem like he’s going to answer. Then, he exhales. “I told you—everyone has doubts at some point.” He pauses like he’s weighing his next words. “Mine have just been going on longer than most.”
I blink a couple of times. Did he just admit that he doesn’t believe anymore? That he hasn’t for a while? And if he doesn’t, what am I supposed to do?
A smile flashes briefly across his face and then is gone just as suddenly. “Don’t worry. We wouldn’t be human if we didn’t question.”
“I hope so,” I tell him. I hate to think about him hurting. And I hate even more to think of losing him.
And there’s that brief smile again. “You’re a good person, High Priestess. I always knew that.”
This is all going to take some processing. But he’s talking, and this might be my best chance to get to the bottom of what’s been bugging him. It sounds like his doubts have been in place a long time, but he’s changed since the trip to the Caelestis. So, what triggered that change?
“Why do you think they made me temporary ambassador?” I ask.
His face closes up, and I know I’ve made a mistake. He knows something, but he’s not ready to share. I try again. “Why do you think the Sisterhood attacked Kali and Ian today?”
“I don’t know. And we don’t know for sure it was the Sisterhood.”
“Come on, Merrick, I know you know more than you’re saying.”
He purses his lips as he considers me before he says calmly, “Kali and I are cousins.”
For a moment, the words make no sense. “You and Princess Kalinda? Cousins? What? How?”
He nods. “Her father and mine were brothers.”
I knew Kali’s father was a Seratian priest—it’s common knowledge. But how did I not know my bodyguard was related to her? “I don’t understand. Why did you never mention it before?”
“It’s not something we ever talk about. When my uncle married the Empress, he turned his back on the Sisterhood and his family. There were a lot of hard feelings, and that led to him being estranged from my father and his. Then he was assassinated, and any chance of reconciliation was lost forever. I never met Kali. Not until that day on the Caelestis.”
Wow. I mean, I’d known something was bothering him, but I would never have guessed something like this. I scrutinize his face, trying to see some sort of similarities. And they’re there when you know to look. They have the same skin swirls, though Kali’s is bronzer. The same high cheekbones and strong chin. “Does Kali know?”
“No.”
“Are you going to tell her?”
“No.”
“But you’re family. That must mean something.” I never knew my own family. They gave me up to the Sisterhood when I was a baby and renounced all ties with me for the greater good.
I try not to let that hurt.
It was an honor for them, though I’m guessing money also changed hands. They were apparently very poor.
“Family is…often complicated,” Merrick says. “And love even more so. My uncle was caught in between both.”
“Maybe he had no choice? His love was just too strong?”
He shakes his head. “You are such a good person. But there’s always a choice. You just have to accept the consequences.” He stands up. “Time for bed.”
Something tells me that he has a lot more secrets than he’s letting on. That he gave me the Kali-and-I-are-cousins thing to deflect my questions from the ones he doesn’t want to answer. Part of me wants to push for more, but I know he’s done talking for today.
“Okay, but I think you should tell her,” I say.
He inclines his head. “I’ll consider it.”
And he walks out, leaving me more confused than ever. I sit there long after he’s gone, even pour myself another drink and ponder what he’s told me and what it means.
Merrick and Kali are related. Could that have any connection to what’s happening to us all?
And I weigh in my mind how I feel about the fact that Merrick is not a true believer.
Where does that leave me?
More confused than ever.
Suddenly, I have the urge to be near the one person on this ship who I know will tell me the truth. The one person who sees me as I am.
Not as a high priestess. As a woman.
Chapter 50
Rain
My heart is beating out of control as I lead Beckett down the hallway to my room. Our room, though she’s never once slept in it.
After my talk with Merrick, I found her sitting in her pilot’s seat, dozing lightly. The second I walked up, she opened her eyes, immediately on high alert. But they softened when she saw it was me.
I took her hand and pulled her to standing without a single word.
As we walk now, I imagine what will happen when we finally get there. I’m oddly grateful that Kali is sleeping in the sick bay tonight, that the room will be empty when we get there. I imagine wrapping my arms around Beckett’s waist, pulling her long, powerful body against mine, kissing her lips and her neck and her shoulders before sliding lower and lower, until I’ve touched and tasted and licked every single part of her.