“You thought he was rejecting you,” Kiki said, giving Lauren’s shoulder a squeeze. “And you wanted to make sure he knew that he couldn’t hurt you, that you’d already expected the rejection.”
Lauren let out a very ungraceful hiccup, wiping the back of her hand across her nose. She didn’t even want to think about what a wreck her face must look like.
“But don’t you hear how fucking asinine that sounds?” Kiki said. “People want to show up for you, Lauren Fox. You have to let them.”
“I know,” Lauren said, even if she wasn’t sure she did know. “But what if . . .”
What if they don’t. What if it’s too late now. What if what if what if.
“Then you show up for yourself,” Kiki said with a crooked smile. “Bloom where you’re planted.”
It took Lauren a minute to realize Kiki was referencing that coffee mug she’d given her, back when Lauren had first started at Cold World. She gave a phlegmy laugh that probably sounded disgusting. “Bloom. Okay, I’ll try.”
“So?” Kiki said. “You coming over?”
Lauren almost said yes. She didn’t want to waste another minute. But she’d also made such a colossal mess of everything that she worried it wouldn’t be enough, just telling him that she wanted him back, that she wanted to be better this time. She had to show him.
“I actually have an idea,” she said. “But I’m going to need your help.”
Chapter
Twenty-Eight
Asa slumped down in the passenger seat of John’s car. He had the worst headache and the last thing he wanted to do was go to a party.
“How long do we have to stay?”
Kiki leaned up from the back seat, sticking her face right next to Asa’s. “You know you’ll have fun once you get there,” she said, and he winced from how loud and close her voice sounded. At least Elliot seemed to take some pity on him, because they pulled Kiki back, muttering something Asa couldn’t catch.
John glanced over at him. “We’ll leave as soon as you want to,” he said.
Asa knew that the minute he got there, he’d probably feel too guilty to actually pull his friends away if they were having a good time. Someone deserved to enjoy New Year’s Eve, after all. But it meant a lot that John would even offer—and Asa knew his housemate was as good as his word. If John said he’d get him out of there, he would.
“Thanks,” he said, leaning his head back against the seat.
He wondered what Lauren was doing at that exact moment. Knowing her, she was probably organizing her closet again. Writing down lists of her resolutions for the year. Reading one last book to get in under the wire on her Goodreads goal. He almost smiled at the thought, before he remembered that he had no right to smile at anything she did anymore. Whatever she was doing, it was without him.
He pulled his phone out, started to click on their last text exchange before putting the phone back in his pocket. He didn’t know why he was torturing himself. Maybe he’d text her Happy New Year at midnight. That was allowed, right? The same message he sent to a dozen random colleagues and acquaintances.
Maybe he’d get really drunk and call her.
That moderately cheered him up, but then he glanced out the window and sat up straighter in his seat. “Wait,” he said. “Where are we going?”
John glanced in the rearview mirror, obviously looking for Kiki to answer, and that was when Asa knew. He went to turn, got caught up in the seat belt, and unbuckled it in frustration so he could completely face Kiki, who had a faux innocent expression that would fool no one.
“Why are we going to Lauren’s?”
“Safety first,” she said, pointing at his seat belt.
“If you’re so concerned with safety, why aren’t you answering my question?”
“It’s Lauren’s party,” John said.
They were turning into her apartment complex now. The parking lot was more full than usual, the spot Asa would’ve normally used taken up by an eighties Oldsmobile. He wished he could turn all of this institutional knowledge off, wished he could stop thinking about the tiny little routines they’d built together even in that one perfect week. He thought he must not have heard John correctly, even when they were pulling into a space, the stairs leading to Lauren’s apartment visible just around the corner.
“Lauren’s throwing a party?”
Kiki and Elliot were already climbing out of the car, but John stayed back a second while he turned the car off and pocketed his keys. “Do you want to leave?”