“Technically, it’s for me,” she said. “Kiki pointed out that people are willing to show up for me, that I should be willing to let them do it. So what more literal way to put that to the test than a party? I’ve never had this many people in my apartment before. I didn’t even know I knew this many people. But when I asked them to come to a New Year’s Eve party with twenty-four hours’ notice . . . they came. I mean, sure, the free beer and snacks probably helped, but still. And I also did it for you, to show you that I can be more open to this kind of thing.”
He still wasn’t one hundred percent sure he understood, but he knew what a big deal it was for her to invite so many people to her apartment. He gave her a crooked smile. “Is this a return of Fun Lauren? Because the last time she made an appearance, she encouraged everyone to drink antifreeze.”
“I did not!” she said, but she was smiling, too. “Not Fun Lauren. I’m trying to be . . . Brave Lauren. Honest Lauren. The last time we talked . . . I don’t think I was either. All I heard was you rejecting me, and it felt so inevitable that all I knew how to do was curl back up inside my shell like a little hermit crab, wait for the threat to pass.”
Asa swallowed around the lump in his throat. “I never meant to reject you.”
She gave an adorably self-deprecating eye roll. “I know that now. Kiki called me a clown.”
Kiki had called him one of those, too. “I never meant that I didn’t want to be with you. It was just hard for me, keeping it a secret. I want to be able to talk about you, to touch you in public, to go out together without worrying someone is going to see us. I want to make you coffee in the break room or say shit like Let me check with Lauren and see if we have plans or take a picture with you and make it my lock screen.”
“Asa, I —”
“Not flavored coffee,” he said. “I’m aware, believe me. I’ll rinse out the Keurig and everything.”
She pressed her finger to his mouth. “I trust you with my coffee,” she said. “I was just trying to say that you not being comfortable with a secret relationship makes total sense, especially after what you dealt with from your family. I’m sorry I didn’t see that.”
“Well,” he said. “Yeah. That’s part of it. But also—you’re important to me, Lauren. I understand your concerns about keeping things professional, but I don’t know how long I can hide that.”
“I know,” she said. “And I’m sorry I said all that stuff about your job. I was way out of line. I just think you’re so talented, and—”
He shook his head, not wanting to hear her go too far down that road of beating herself up about something he’d needed to hear. “You weren’t wrong,” he said. “I felt comfortable at Cold World. I didn’t want anything to change. But ultimately, that’s not what’s best for me. It’s time to move on.”
“Oh!” she said, biting her lip. “Then maybe this is an awkward time to tell you . . . Dolores actually cornered me yesterday. Apparently there’s some grant she thinks could help save Cold World? She wanted our help in putting the application together.”
“Lauren,” he said, bracing his hands on either side of her head against the door. “I really don’t give a fuck about Cold World right now.”
“Sorry,” she said. “I got off track.”
He could tell she was affected by his proximity, the way her chest rose and fell, the way the pulse at the hollow in her throat fluttered. “May I?”
She nodded, even though he didn’t know that she knew what she was agreeing to, and he dipped his head to kiss the line of her jaw. “So let’s get back on track. You were saying?”
“Just that I want to be with you,” she said, sighing as his hand settled at her waist, his mouth next to her ear. “And I don’t want to hide it anymore.”
“Thank god,” he said, giving her earlobe a tug with his teeth. “Because I don’t think I can keep my hands to myself in public.”
As if prompted, she placed her hand over his at her waist, holding it more firmly there. She pulled back a bit, as much as she could with the door there, and looked him in the eye. “I love you,” she said. “I really do love you, Asa Williamson. I don’t quite know when I started, but I know I haven’t stopped.”
“Well, I know right when I started,” he said. “It was somewhere around that first Christmas party, when you said you wanted to cancel Secret Santa.”