She laughed. “Do I look like a lightweight or something?”
“Not at all. I just think of federal judges as old, white-haired guys who look like toads. You’re much too beautiful to fit my stereotype. Very impressive.”
“What do you do?”
“I just embarrassed myself. Your turn. All these weeks we’ve been passing each other on the Esplanade, you must’ve formed an opinion about me. What do you think I do?”
“Hmm, not a lawyer. I can spot those a mile away. I’m thinking finance. Or consulting. Something high-powered and well-paid.”
“Sadly, I’m about as far as you can get from well-paid. I’m a teacher. Social studies and history at St. Alfred’s.”
“That’s lovely. Though I guess you won’t be springing for dinner, then.”
“If I’m taking out a federal judge who’s used to high rollers, you bet I will. Even if I have to eat beans for a week. Saturday night at La Voile?”
* * *
It was fall, and they’d been seeing each other for several months. They were out to dinner at their favorite restaurant. The waiter had just opened the wine. She raised her glass to clink and found Matthew gazing at her with pain in his eyes.
“What?”
He took her hands in his.
“I need to ask you something.”
Her heart raced. This couldn’t be a marriage proposal. It was too soon, and he looked too unhappy.
“Okay.”
“Kathryn.” He paused, like it was difficult to go on.
“Just say it; you’re scaring me.”
“You’d tell me if you were married, right?”
She took her hands away. “Married? Like, to someone else, and this is an affair?”
“Yes.”
“You can’t possibly think I’ve been lying this whole time.”
“I don’t know what to think. I’ve never spent the night at your place. We always go to mine. I’ve never met your friends or your family, though I’ve introduced you to mine. When I ask about them, you avoid my questions. You won’t talk about past relationships. It’s like there’s a wall between us that I can’t get through, and it’s really bothering me.”
“If there is, and I’m not saying I agree … but if there is, it’s only because I want to protect you.”
“Because you’re a judge? That makes no sense. Judges have normal relationships. They get married and have children. They lead normal lives. Am I wrong?”
“No.”
“Then I don’t understand. And I don’t want to be protected. I want to get closer. Know you better. Have more than just dinner and sex, though those are great. I could imagine a life together, but not like this. I don’t mean to be dramatic, but it feels like you’re hiding something. Being married was just the most obvious conclusion.”
“I’m not married. I promise you.”
“Then, what is it? Why do you push me away?”
She wanted so badly to tell him the truth. The whole truth. Not just that she was born to the wrong family, or that she grew up under the influence of dangerous people. But that she’d made bad choices. Accepted Uncle Ray’s money to pay for her education. Broken the oath she took as a prosecutor. Watched a good man die before her eyes, in part due to her own sins. A braver woman would tell. A truly brave woman would have turned herself in by now. But she was afraid they’d do to her what they’d done to Brad. And not only to her, but to her mother. So she kept silent. After Brad, a few years had passed in which they didn’t ask for much, and she almost believed she was free. But it turned out they’d been waiting and watching, as her influence grew. She never should have accepted the judgeship. Once that happened, they pounced, and she was caught like a fish on a line. After Brad, she was complicit. After Brad, they owned her, which meant that, yes, she couldn’t give herself completely to Matthew.
“It’s … because of things in my past.”
“What things?”
If only she could tell him, what a weight off her mind it would be. He would still love her if he knew the worst. She believed that. But the information would be dangerous in his hands. He’d feel compelled to play the hero. He was innocent enough to believe you could oppose these people and survive. She knew better. Telling him would put him in danger.
She had to come up with a lie.
The most convincing lies were built on truth.
“I’m … illegitimate.”