He laughs quietly on the other end as it sounds like he’s opening a bag of coffee. “You make it seem like there was a choice in the matter. Believe me, if I could have chosen, I would still be living in my lonely one-bedroom apartment in SoHo. There was no choice in the matter, Will, and I’m thankful for it. I met Hannah and I fell in love completely against my better judgment.”
Those words land with a dramatic superhero comic book Thunk! into my brain. I have no choice in the matter, my heart wants Annie.
“Okay then…” I say, thinking of how to rephrase my question. “How did you know your feelings were worth giving in to?”
“Hmm.” He’s quiet for a minute. “I guess when I realized it felt scarier to live life without her than with her.”
Any other answer besides that one. Please. Any other answer and I would have been able to shove it under a rug. But that one…I can’t dismiss it.
“Did you meet someone, Will?”
“Sort of.”
“And you’re scared?”
“A little. I’ve generally tried to not need anyone since I was a kid and realized that needing people usually ends in something painful.”
There’s a taut silence. “Hey, Will?”
“Hmm?”
“I don’t think I’ve ever really said thank you before. For everything you were to me and did for me growing up.” I sit silent, unable to form any words. Ethan continues, “I’m not sure I ever realized the differences in our childhood quite as much as just now when you said that. Because I don’t have the same reaction toward needing people as you do—largely because when I needed you, you were always there for me.”
“I wasn’t there for you when I left after high school and joined the military.”
“Are you kidding me? You sent money home to me every month. You even made it back to see me off to prom. You might not have been there day in and day out after you left home, but I never doubted that you were always one phone call away and you’d drop everything to be there for me. So…thank you.”
I swallow and clench my jaws—only barely managing to get my words out without tears. “No problem.”
Ethan chuckles lightly, understanding how deeply uncomfortable I am with, well, feeling my feelings. He has mercy on me. “All right. Now tell me about her,” he says, and I hear the smile in his voice. I imagine it’s smug and over-the-top. I wish I could withhold information about Annie just to piss him off, but unfortunately, I’ve been dying to talk to someone about her for weeks now.
“She’s cute. Like in that wholesome, blindingly happy sort of way—but she has so much grit under the surface that it makes her almost dangerous. She’s kind and empathetic, and so damn passionate and exciting in a way I’ve never really known before…and she’s way too good for me.”
He laughs. “So you love her?”
“That’s why I called you, Mr. Hannah. I don’t know. I don’t know that I’m even capable of love. I mean…you were there, Ethan. You were right beside me when we had to close ourselves in my room and blare our radio just so we didn’t hear the screaming matches between Mom and Dad. You heard the way he talked to her and how she would throw things at him. I’m so scared that’ll end up being me one day, and I won’t be able to leave. I’ll be just like them—stuck in a loveless toxic relationship that doesn’t seem to have an exit. How the hell did you get over that?”
“Quite frankly, therapy.”
“Shit.”
“Yeah. We had dysfunctional parents, Will. We spent our entire adolescence in an emotionally unstable environment and were made to feel like we were the problems most of the time. You more than me, obviously, because you shielded me from a lot. It’s not something you just get over or choose to un-feel. And I think the day I came to terms with that was when I started truly healing. I’ll never be able to shove it down with some elbow grease. It’s going to take time, and work, and patience from my partner as I unpack it.”
“I hear you, but I spent most of my life feeling absolutely miserable every day. I don’t want to risk that ever happening again.” Even though in my heart I know that Annie doesn’t have the same hurtful traits my parents had.
“Will, we were children. We didn’t have a choice. But you’re an adult now—you always have the choice to leave a bad situation.”
“What if I can’t see that it’s bad?”