Stars in Your Eyes(55)

god this dude is sick in the head, fr fr.

#FuckGray

201 1.2K 4.7K





@angelsky4033


We need to #BoycottWriteAnything so that these asshole celebrities can’t continue to think they can get away with everything. The world has real life consequences.

189 1.7K .9K





@robertklingon


Lol I could find logan’s address and send someone to take him out so we don’t have to deal with him anymore

103 903 2K





Logan




The text messages don’t stop rolling in.

Dave’s flipping out. What the fuck is going on Gray?? Answer me

Audrey’s threatening to quit. How can I do my job and assist you in this matter if you won’t return my phone calls?

Reynolds wants to fire me. This is unacceptable. You have destroyed the film.

Mattie slept over. He’s cleaning up the apartment now, walking around with a garbage bag. I lie on the couch, scrolling through the messages, music streaming from my phone and to the TV, like usual.

“You’re not looking at social media right now, are you?” Matt asks me as he passes by.

“Nope.”

A new text from Willow. What happened? This is pretty shitty, even for you.

My phone starts to ring. It’s my dad. I freeze. I don’t want to answer it, but if I end the call, he’ll know I’m ignoring him, which will only make him more pissed off. It’s only as the voicemail starts that it hits me. Mattie will be able to hear this, too.

“Logan,” my dad begins, his voice booming over the speakers, “you fucking disgusting piece of shit—”

I end the call. Mattie spins around. Why does he have to look so shocked?

“What the hell?” he says. “Who was that?”

I don’t want to answer him. I sit up. “I should take a shower.”

I feel his eyes on me as I walk down the hall. I open the bathroom door. There’s a giant steam shower that takes up half the room with a tub inside. Even though I never take baths, I want one now. I strip and turn on the water.

Fuck. Why am I embarrassed? Mattie already knows the worst of my secrets. But this…I feel like Mattie’s just found a stash of drugs or something else I was trying to hide from the world, and now he’s discovered yet another layer of me that I hadn’t meant to show. It was private, somehow. The way my dad speaks to me. We both know it’s shitty of him, the things he says. We also both know that I deserve it. To let anyone else see that feels like I’m allowing them to understand just how horrible I am. Mattie thinks he understands me, but he doesn’t. Not really.

I sink into the tub and close my eyes. It’d be easier if I weren’t alive. Easier if I didn’t have to deal with this body and all the trauma I can’t escape. The memories and triggers. The disgust and self-hatred. I don’t want to deal with any of it anymore. I can already see what everyone would say. It’d be the ending I deserved.

There’s a knock on the door, interrupting my thoughts. “Logan?”

Sometimes my body shuts down. I can still think and hear and see, but I can’t move or speak. I don’t have the energy.

Mattie calls again. “Logan, are you all right?”

When I don’t answer, the doorknob turns. I didn’t lock it. He walks in, sees me naked, sitting in lukewarm water, crying. How pathetic am I?

He says my name again, softer, and walks to my side. He doesn’t bother asking if I’m okay or what’s wrong. I’m grateful. Wouldn’t have been able to answer anyway. The water isn’t that cold, but my teeth have begun chattering and I’m shaking.

“I think we have to take you to a doctor,” he says.

I can tell he doesn’t want to force me to go, is trying to leave it up to me—but I don’t think there’s any point. What the hell is a doctor going to do? Un-rape me? Figure out a way to reach back through all the years and take away the memories so that I can feel, for once, what it’s like to be a person without any trauma? I wonder who I would be if people had never taken advantage of me and my body. Maybe I’d be different. Someone who could figure out how to be loved. Mattie’s crying with me, and I realize he must be scared, too, sitting there without me saying anything. He just wants to help. I know that.

“Is it okay if I pull you out of the tub?” Matt asks. “Take you to your bed?”

I nod. He helps me up. He’s a lot stronger than he looks. Water splashes on the floor. I’m shaking so violently it’s hard to walk. He takes me up the stairs to my loft and lets me lean on him until I get to the bed. I lie down on the mattress and sheets, though I’m still wet, and Mattie gets a towel to dry me off. He opens up a dresser and grabs me a t-shirt, some boxers.

“Can I stay with you?”

When I nod, he helps me move over and takes the wet patch I left on the bed. We’re under the comforter. He doesn’t touch me. He’s probably afraid. Scared that he’ll touch my skin and I’ll start to splinter and crack until I finally shatter open. I reach for his hand, and he holds it tightly, watching me. Looking for an answer.

“Thank you for letting me be here,” he says.

*



When I wake up, my mouth is dry and my body aches. I forget what happened for a second, before it comes back to me, and I roll over, wanting to go to sleep again. Mattie’s not in the bed. I hear him speaking and realize he must be on the phone when no one answers him for a pause and then he keeps talking.