Stars in Your Eyes(59)

I take a breath. “Is there anything I can do?”

He sighs, like he’s letting out the breath I took. “What’re we doing?”

“What do you mean?”

“You,” he says. “Me. What is this? What are we?”

That’s a hell of a question. I don’t know how to respond.

“This shit was already complicated enough, and—you know, I don’t want to sound ungrateful. I’m grateful for you, Matt. Everything you’ve been helping me with.”

“I’m grateful that you’re letting me.”

He eyes me for a second, and his expression looks strangled. “Did you get the new schedule?”

I hesitate. Maybe a part of me liked that we were ignoring it. “Yeah. I did.”

“They want us to break up,” Logan says.

I nod slowly. I don’t like the direction this is going.

He leans back in the couch, hands on his knees. “Maybe we should stop…this. Whatever this is. We’ll have to eventually anyway, right?”

I sit straighter, tension in my back. My heart’s pounding, beating harder and harder, until I force myself to say the words. “I don’t know what we are,” I tell him. “But I do know I love you.”

His gaze snaps to mine. He blinks, looks away with a clenched jaw. “Come on, Matt. Don’t do that.”

I knew he wouldn’t react well, but it hurts just the same. “It’s true. I love you.”

He doesn’t believe me, that much is obvious. “Why would you love me?”

I could list all the reasons, I guess—tell him how he’s helped me feel less shame, to break out of my fear and to feel uninhibited and free; because I’ve seen him at his most vulnerable, seen through the role he’d created and all the layers of hurt to him, and what I see is beautiful…But it’s hard to get the words out when I take in Logan’s shuttered gaze. The more I speak about how much I love him, the more he will want to reject me.

“It’s all right if you don’t feel the same,” I say, even though my heart clenches at the thought, “but—if you do, we don’t have to stop our relationship just because of a movie, or Dave’s schedule. We could figure something out.”

He runs a hand through his hair, messing it up. “Time. Fuck. I need time, all right? I need time to think.” He runs his hands over his eyes. “Shit, Matt. Why did you have to say that?”

I will my tears not to come. It isn’t fair to cry right now and make him feel guilty for possibly not loving me, for not wanting to be with me. “Because it’s the truth.”

“I don’t know if I love you,” he tells me.

His words hurt so much it takes my breath away. Maybe I should’ve thought this through. Figured out a better way, a better time, to tell him how I feel. But it’s too late to take back now. “Okay. I get it.”

“Let’s take a break from seeing each other,” he tells me. “I need to figure some shit out.”

“Are you pulling away again?”

“Just for a little while.”

I’d practically moved in with Logan this past week, both of us abandoning our hotel rooms. I’m afraid to leave him alone. I’m afraid that he’ll stop answering calls and won’t show up to set, afraid of what I might find when I open his apartment door.

But maybe he sees my fear. “I’ll be all right, Mattie.”

“If you start to feel—you know, the way you were feeling, please text me or call me. It doesn’t matter what time it is. Okay?”

He nods, and it relieves me a little, that I believe him. “Okay. I promise.”

*



I hadn’t thought things through enough when I decided to tell Logan that I love him. Quinn stands in the doorway, drenched from running in the rain. He’s breathing hard, tears in his eyes. I stand in front of him, my heart splitting open, because I don’t want to hear the words that’re about to come out of his mouth.

“I’m sorry,” he says. He steps inside and hesitates before he reaches for me. I force myself not to pull back. “God. I’m so sorry, Riley. You were right.”

“What’re you doing here, Quinn?” The anger in my voice is real. The hurt, the confusion. I’ve felt this enough times with Logan.

“I—” He lets out a shaky breath. “I couldn’t say it before. I have to say it now. You were right. I love you. I’ve never loved anyone like this before—but you. Riley, there’s no one else like you.”

I swallow. These words are hitting a little too close to home right now. Quinn’s eyes look hollow as he turns into Logan, clenching his jaw. I haven’t been Riley for this entire scene. I can’t get into character. Dave doesn’t seem to notice. He hasn’t said anything from across the set. Maybe it’s one of those moments when my character blends with who I am so perfectly that I don’t have to act. Maybe it’s the tighter production schedule.

“How can I believe you?” I ask him. “I can’t believe you, Quinn. You hurt me. You broke my heart.” I lose my breath for a second, real pain clogging my throat. “I trusted you. I let myself be vulnerable with you, just for you to reject me.”

“Riley,” he says, “I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness. I’m sorry I told you I don’t love you. That was just the character I made up to protect myself. I was scared. That’s all. But now, I see how much you mean to me. I can’t lose you. Not again.”