Stars in Your Eyes(60)
I take a shaking breath, and I let him pull me into his arms. His body is familiar, his skin and his hair against my cheek. I want to sink into him, like when we’d hold each other in his bed, whispering in the dark. We kiss. I’m afraid to touch Logan, but he told me that this was okay beforehand, and he pulls me in even tighter. “I love you,” he says.
I let myself believe it’s Logan telling me this, not Quinn—just for a moment.
*
Filming wraps for Write Anything. The production schedule was tight, but I survived it, somehow. I can’t imagine how difficult these past weeks have been for Gray if they were hard for me.
“I’m worried about him,” I tell Julie. We’re undercover, which is a nice change from the very public lunches and dinners Logan and I have had together. We’re at the back of a dark restaurant in the neighborhood she lives in, over by Los Feliz. “I’m not sure if I’m the best person to help him, and I don’t know if he’s actually getting the help that he needs.” He said he needed space, and I’ve given him that—but it’s been over a week since I told him how I feel; over a week of worrying about him, unable to stop thinking about him…
“Logan’s never been the sort of person to accept help,” she says. She’s been apologetic for immediately siding with Briggs, but even knowing that Logan told the truth hasn’t helped her opinion of him. “He doesn’t open up to anyone and tell them what’s really going on, and he keeps bottling it all up until he finally self-destructs. I can feel bad for him, sometimes,” she admits. “But feeling bad for someone doesn’t mean I should open myself up to getting hurt by them over and over again.”
She asks me if I’m going to the wrap party tonight. I already know Logan isn’t going, from what I’ve heard on set. He’s probably gotten angry phone calls about it, but no one can force him. He’s been focused on the job the past couple of weeks since the assault—coming in to set, delivering an incredible performance, and leaving—but there’s a quiet tension everywhere he goes. I don’t know how he’s able to handle that stress. Maybe he isn’t actually handling it, not really.
“I don’t know.”
“It’s not going to look great if the movie’s two stars don’t show up.” She pauses, then shrugs. “Maybe it doesn’t matter how it looks.”
“I just want to be ready at the hotel in case Logan texts me.”
Julie has known that this relationship is just a publicity stunt, but I think she’s caught on that, even if Logan and I haven’t decided to become privately official, things are just a little more complicated now. “I know your relationship is your business, but…It’s okay for you to have needs separate from Logan, too.”
I lean back in my seat as her words hit me. She’s right. I want to be supportive, but my life has only revolved around Logan recently. Before he asked for space from me, we would leave the set together and go back to his apartment. Sometimes we didn’t even talk for the entire night. I’d just sit beside him or hold him. I loved being by Logan’s side. But it’s true, I think, that I’ve started to lose myself. For the past two weeks, I’ve only gone to my hotel room and thought about Logan, wondered if he’s okay, hoped that he would text or call.
This wrap party is something I would’ve looked forward to, once. It’ll be a final chance to say goodbye to a lot of the people I’ve been working with for these past few months.
“You’re right,” I tell her. “Yeah. I’ll go.”
*
The party is at a restaurant closer to Santa Monica. The whole place has been shut down for us. Karaoke machines are hooked up, though no one is using them. Music plays in the background. People stand in the groups they’re more comfortable with. I end up with Julie, Keith, Monica, and Scott. Even though I’d pushed myself to come, I’m not feeling present. I look up when everyone laughs, and I realize I’ve missed half of the conversation. I force a strained smile and shrug when Keith asks, “Where’s the boyfriend?”
Julie frowns and asks if I’m all right. “I’m fine.”
I push myself to leave the small group of actors to walk around the set, thanking everyone I see. After about an hour of mingling, Scott shakes my hand and says he hopes we’ll work together again soon, and even Monica gives me a tight hug. I hang out with Julie and Keith for a while, and when they say they’re going to head out, Keith slaps me on the back and Julie pulls me in for a hug.
“This is only goodbye for now,” she says. “We’re going to keep hanging out even after the promo tour, right? And we’ll have the photoshoots and the red carpets, so this isn’t really goodbye.”
“Yeah,” I say. “Of course.”
I should probably head out, too—but the thought of going back to my shadowy hotel room alone depresses me. I wander for a while until I find Dave over by the open bar. “There you are,” he says, grin widening. “I was afraid you weren’t going to show.”
“I’m here.” I ask the bartender for some water.
Dave watches. “Maybe that’s the secret to making it in this industry,” he says, raising beer to his lips. “Don’t drink.”
“It probably takes more than that.”