Stars in Your Eyes(56)

“Okay. Love you, too, Mom. Bye.”

I push myself out of bed and walk down the stairs. Matt’s on the couch. He looks up with a natural smile, even though there’s still worry in his eyes. “Hey. You’re awake.” He stands up, then hesitates. There’re new rules, now, for us to figure out. I’m not even sure I want to be touched. “Are you hungry?” he asks.

“A little, yeah.” Good to know I haven’t completely lost all ability to speak.

“I can order something,” he suggests.

I’m not even sure what time it is, or how long I’ve been out. We end up getting food from one of my favorite Thai restaurants. We eat in the living room quietly, spread out on the floor. It reminds me of the days when we started to spend time outside of work, comfortably together, getting to know each other. I always manage to fuck things up, huh?

“I was thinking,” Matt says. He seems uncertain. He won’t meet my eye, anyway. “I know that you don’t want to go to the hospital or press charges or anything. Though—you know, I really think you should, but that’s the last I’ll say about it.”

Thank God. I don’t want him to push me on that right now.

“But I was thinking,” he says again. “Maybe it would be a good idea for you to tell your side of the story.”

He chances a glance up at me now. The worry in his eyes grows when I don’t say anything.

“I mean,” he adds, “I don’t think you should have to say anything if you don’t want to. What happened…it shouldn’t be anyone’s business but your own.”

But the truth lingers. It shouldn’t be anyone’s business, but the public has forced their way into my life, like usual, using me for their entertainment. It shouldn’t be their business, but everything Briggs said could stay with me for the rest of my life. This could end my career. It could fuck up the movie, too. I don’t think Matt cares that much about the film right now, but the thought crosses my mind anyway. This will affect him and Julie and Dave and everyone else who’s worked their ass off for Write Anything. I shouldn’t have to deal with the thought of talking to the public about this now, but, well, here we are.

There can only be one reason Matt’s bringing it up. “How bad is it online?” I ask him.

He moves rice around in a circle on his plate. “Pretty bad,” he finally admits. “A lot of people are calling for you to quit the movie. There’re other actors, too, who’re coming out in support of Briggs. People are planning to boycott the film. I don’t care about the movie,” he says, looking at me again. “It can be boycotted or cancelled or whatever else. It’s not as important as you. But for you—I think it’s best for you to tell the public your truth. It isn’t fair to you that Briggs can destroy your life like this and get away with it. You don’t deserve that, Logan.”

“What do you think I should do?”

“You could make a statement. Written, or maybe a recording. Anything you’re comfortable with. Do you think you would want to?”

“I don’t know. I don’t think I can do it right now.”

“Whenever you’re able and whatever you’re most comfortable with, even if it turns out that you don’t want to do or say anything—I’ll be here with you, okay?”

“Thank you.”

The silence stretches. I think Mattie might be waiting for me to speak. He’s trying so hard to take his cues from me, to make sure I’m comfortable and feel safe and—God, I don’t think anyone’s ever treated me with so much patience. No one has ever had to. I’m an adult. I’m my own responsibility to exist without being loved and accepted by other people. That’s how I’ve gotten by all these years. But it feels good, I think, to know that I can still be loved anyway. It feels good, and it also scares me. I’m waiting for the moment Mattie changes his mind.

“I want to make a statement,” I tell him. “A recording. Post it onto socials.”

His eyes shine with—pride, maybe? Some fear, I think, for me. “Do you want to talk to the team about it first?”

It’s shitty we have to keep up the bullshit of our fake relationship. Though I’m starting to wonder if it’s actually that fake at this point. “No. I’ll say what happened. They’ll deal.”

Mattie grabs his phone. I sit on the sofa. He tells me when he hits record. I’m not inside of myself when I start to talk. I hear my voice, distantly, as if it belongs to someone else as I describe what happened.

“I made a huge mistake when I decided to have sex with Briggs. I was hurting Mattie. I shouldn’t have. Briggs and I came over to my place. I changed my mind.” I start to freeze again as I get closer to having to say the actual words. Mattie’s watching for a moment in my silence before he moves closer to me, holding up the camera still, but sitting next to me in the frame, holding my hand. His comfort brings me back into my body enough to speak again.

I can’t say the word, the r-word, the one that still makes me feel sick. “When I changed my mind, he assaulted me. I acted in self-defense. I know that a lot of you won’t believe me,” I say. “But, well, that’s the truth.”

Mattie ends the video. His hand is still in mine. “That was brave. You shouldn’t have had to do this in the first place, but I admire you.”