Totally and Completely Fine(62)

“What Grandma said. About Dad going to church?”

“He did when he was younger,” I said.

“Did he go a lot?”

“Uh, sometimes,” I said.

“Sometimes?”

“He used to go every week,” I said, feeling extremely uncomfortable.

“Every week?” Lena’s eyes were huge.

“He was in the youth group,” I said.

It was like I’d just told her that her father was a werewolf.

“He was in the youth group,” she repeated.

“Yeah,” I said.

Lena looked at the house. She was very purposefully not looking at me.

“So, he believed that stuff,” she said. “Like, in the Bible.”

Lena and I had talked—at length—about what Spencer’s mom believed. That she could argue all day that she was just “old-fashioned,” but that didn’t change the fact that she believed that everyone except the attendees of her church was going straight to hell when they died.

We hadn’t talked about what Spencer believed.

I hadn’t even thought to.

I figured that Lena knew.

But how could she?

She’d been ten when he died. There were so many things he hadn’t had a chance to talk with her about, so many discussions they’d never get an opportunity to have.

“Your dad was different when he was your age,” I said.

Lena’s arms were crossed.

“He was religious,” I said. “But he changed.”

“Religious how?” she asked.

I thought about the time he’d taken Gabe to church after our dad had died. How he’d believed—truly believed—what his mother believed. That my dad had gone to hell. That we were going to hell.

How he’d wanted to help.

That had never changed.

But other things had.

“He believed a lot of the things your grandma believed,” I said. “But he didn’t know any other way.”

Lena nodded.

“What about ghosts?” she asked. “Did he believe in those?”

I hadn’t been expecting that one.

“Uh,” I said. “I don’t know.”

She looked at me like I’d slapped her. For whatever reason, this answer seemed to upset her more than learning her dad had been a regular member of a youth group.

“You don’t know?”

“I’m sorry, honey,” I said. “I don’t.”

“What about reincarnation?” she asked. “Or, like, heaven, or something?”

It hit me with startling clarity. Lena wanted to know what Spencer believed would happen after someone died.

I couldn’t remember talking about that with Spencer. About what we believed happened after. We’d been together for so long that there were things I didn’t even think to ask. Why was that? It wasn’t as if we didn’t have experience with death and loss. We just didn’t talk about it. Part of me thought that Spencer likely still held tightly to what he’d grown up with. That he believed in heaven and maybe even hell.

But I wasn’t sure.

It was clear that wasn’t what Lena had been looking for.

And I couldn’t give it to her.

Without a word, she got out of the car. I followed her, ordered pizza, and didn’t talk about church or ghosts or death.

Chapter 35

Now

It was early when they left for New York—just shy of five a.m. None of us had wanted to get out of bed.

“Have fun,” I said to Lena.

She grunted at me. It was quiet at the airport, just a few sleepy travelers getting in line to go through security. I watched her fiddle with her scarf before I realized that it was mine. Well, the one I’d made for Spencer. Lena must have taken it from my closet.

Her eyes followed mine.

“Is that okay?” she asked.

“Of course,” I said, biting the inside of my cheek so I wouldn’t cry.

It looked good on her.

“Do you think I brought enough?” Eve asked, sounding worried as she pulled graphic novels out of her carry-on.

She’d slept over, and I was pretty sure they’d both stayed up late deciding which ones to pack. It had been the main topic of conversation over dinner.

“I think you’ll be okay,” I said.

It looked like the bag was ninety percent books.

“We can always buy more,” Gabe said.

“Don’t spoil them,” I said.

“Books don’t count,” he said. “They’re educational.”

I wanted to argue with him, but he wasn’t exactly wrong. He was going to spend money on them, it might as well be on books.

“There are lots of great bookstores we can visit,” Chani said. “I know some people.”

Eve beamed at her, and even Lena managed a small smile. Progress.

Over the intercom came the announcement that their plane was ready to start boarding.

“Ready?” Gabe asked.

“Yeah!” Eve said, while Lena merely shrugged.

I got hugs from everyone. Lena’s was short and perfunctory, but I pulled her back before she could escape. This was the longest we would be apart since Spencer died.