Totally and Completely Fine(83)

“Makes sense why you don’t drink,” I said.

He lifted his mocktail in a faux salute. “I take risks, but not like that.”

Then he gave his head a shake, and picked up the dessert menu.

“I think we’ve gotten the addiction talk out of the way. Why don’t you tell me about some of your high school sexual escapades, and don’t leave out any details.”

He smiled at me. I smiled back.

Chapter 44

Now

We ordered a chocolate chili tart.

“Can you make this?” Ben asked after taking a blissful-sounding bite.

It was good.

“I’d just have to find the right recipe,” I said. “However, I do know how to make an excellent pavlova from memory.”

“A pavlova? Like one of those things with bells and dogs?”

I could tell he was purposely playing dumb.

“That’s Pavlovian,” I said. “A pavlova is very different. And very delicious.”

“Tell me more,” Ben said.

I walked him through the process of what had been one of Spencer’s favorite desserts.

“Yes,” Ben said when I’d finished. “I want that.”

Afterward, as we walked out of the restaurant, Ben reached out and took my hand, threading his fingers through mine. I looked down at our entwined hands.

“Too much?” he asked.

“No,” I said. “Not too much.”

I looked up at the beautiful night sky.

“The sky here is so big,” I said. “But everything beneath it feels so small.”

Ben chuckled.

“What?” I asked.

“Now I can tell you were a stoner in high school,” he said. “Because that’s the most high thought I’ve heard in a long time.”

I smiled. I didn’t bother telling him that he was the reason I was completely sober but felt intoxicated. There was no need to give his ego any more of a boost.

Ben told me about the play on the way back to Cooper.

“I’m glad I took Gabe up on his offer,” he said. “I didn’t realize how much I missed the theatre until we started rehearsing.”

“It seems like you’re having a good time,” I said.

“It’s fun,” he said. “Gabe is a great scene partner, and I love working with Ollie again. Not all actors are good directors, but he’s fantastic. Knows exactly how to tell you that you’re not getting it right without sounding like an arsehole.”

“That sounds like Ollie,” I said.

We drove on.

“Can I ask you something personal?”

“Sure,” Ben said.

“How have you been able to keep your mom’s death and alcoholism out of the picture?” I asked. “Gabe had people digging deep into his past when he became famous—it seemed like nothing was off-limits, but I don’t remember reading anything about your family.”

“It’s classic misdirection,” Ben said. “With my bisexuality as a shield.”

“How does that work?”

“If given the choice, the press would prefer to talk about sex more than anything else,” Ben said. “And I don’t care, so I can dangle that carrot in front of them whenever it seems like they might start digging.”

“I can’t believe that’s worked,” I said.

“Me either, to be honest,” he said. “But I also know it won’t last. If this Bond thing goes—”

He stopped.

“Shit,” he said.

“Bond thing? Does that mean you’re back in the running?”

“Maybe,” he said.

I reached over and slapped him on the arm.

“Oh my god,” I said. “Congratulations.”

“Ouch, thanks,” he said. “There are still about a billion more hoops they want me to jump through before they give me the part, but Fran says it looks good.”

“That’s amazing,” I said. “You must be thrilled.”

“I am,” he said, but he didn’t quite look it. “Or I would be if I believed it—I don’t think it will sink in until I get the actual contract. Maybe not even until I get the first check. That’s what will make it real.”

“Life-changing money,” I said, knowing from experience.

“You have no idea,” he said, as we pulled into the parking lot.

I turned off the car. We sat there.

That’s when I realized I really didn’t want the date to end.

Oh boy. I was in trouble.

I glanced over at Ben who was tapping his fingers along his knee in rhythm with the song on the radio.

Maybe trouble wasn’t such a bad thing.

Maybe it was okay to be scared.

“Do you ever think about what you’d do if you didn’t work at the Cozy?” Ben asked, indicating that we were done talking about Bond.

I shook my head. “My options are pretty limited.”

“Or limitless,” he said. “You could go back to school.”

“I’m more focused on getting Lena through school,” I said.

“Then what?”

“Then…” I thought about it. “Then I can figure out what I want.”