When She Falls (The Fallen, #3)(101)

“Physically, I’m fine.”

“What is it then?”

I sniff. “I came back because of Ras. He took me away even though Damiano didn’t want him to, and he got himself into a lot of trouble. I couldn’t be responsible for ruining his life.”

“Why would Ras do that?”

“Because he…” I start crying again. God, this isn’t like me. I’m not usually a leaky faucet, but just thinking about what I lost sends me into despair.

Cleo moves up the bed and kneels beside me. “Something happened between the two of you.”

My temple prickles in the exact place where his lips traced out the words.

“I love you, Peaches.”

I’m overcome with a longing so strong that my throat closes right up.

Cleo’s eyes widen. “Gemma, what did you do?” she asks quietly. “Did you fall for each other?”

All I can do is nod.

She cradles my face in her hands, her eyes turning pink at the edges. “Oh, Gem. You’re so broken up over this. You should have stayed with him.

“I couldn’t,” I croak. “Don’t you understand that if I didn’t come back, Ras would have lost everything? He acted rashly in the moment because he was so upset about seeing me hurt. He disobeyed Damiano, who’s his don. We would have had to live out our lives in hiding if I’d stayed.”

She pulls her hands away. “And would you have minded that? I mean, you would have figured out a way to come out of hiding eventually.”

I bring my knees up to my chest and wrap my arms around them. “No, I wouldn’t have minded, but reality would have caught up with us sooner or later, and Ras would have regretted losing his position as the underboss of the Casalesi. How could I ask him to give up the title he’s worked so hard to get? How could I ask him to turn his back on his friend, a person he so clearly loves like a brother?”

“It doesn’t sound like you asked him for anything, Gem. He did it willingly. Instead of rushing to solve his problems, you should have left the choice to him.”

Her words land with a sting. Why does it feel like she’s attacking me right now? “I did what was right. He would have regretted it sooner or later.”

“You can’t possibly know that.”

Frustration runs through me, and I get off the bed. “I didn’t share all of this with you so you can judge my decision. This is hard enough as it is.”

Cleo’s expression softens as she watches me pace the room. “I know. I can see that. But you need to hear this, so I’m going to say it. I’m not going to celebrate you for sacrificing yourself anymore. I should have stopped doing it a long time ago.”

“What does that mean?”

“Gem, can’t you see? You’ve done this all your life. You make everyone else’s problems your own and try to solve them no matter what it costs you. It’s not your responsibility to do that.”

Ras said something like that to me once. “That’s just how I am.”

Cleo shakes her head. “It’s how our parents forced you to be. Their love has always been conditional, predicated on you doing things like this.”

Hurt blooms inside my chest. “That’s not true.”

“It is true. I’ve been thinking about our childhood a lot ever since Vale ran away. Remembering things. Do you realize we were never given love by them unless we earned it? If we didn’t behave the way they wanted us to, do you remember what they’d do? If we acted out at family events, they’d lock us up in empty rooms and leave us to cry on our own.”

I flinch. No, that didn’t happen. “I don’t remember that.”

“Maybe you chose to forget. What about that time at Tito’s birthday when you ate a piece of chocolate cake even though Mamma said you weren’t allowed. You were eight, and she was already managing your weight. When she saw chocolate smeared on your lips, she lost it. She cut off another slice, put it on a plate, and then… Don’t you remember what she did?”

A fuzzy snapshot surfaces, but a moment later, it’s gone. “No.”

Cleo exhales a low breath. “She shoved your face into the cake in front of everyone and called you a little pig. It was cruel. You cried for hours afterward, which only made her more mad.”

Horror seeps into my veins as the snapshot turns into a movie. “Oh my God.”

She’s right. I remember now.

That poor little girl.

I was so excited about that cake. It was the most beautiful cake I’d ever seen, with elaborate white flowers piped around it, and syrup-soaked cherries piled in the center. It sparkled. Tito was upset. He’d wanted a rainbow cake with cars on it, but they’d made a mistake at the bakery. He said this cake was too girly, but when his ma gave him a slice, he ate it anyway. That first bite made me close my eyes with pleasure. It was so good.

But a few minutes later, the whole day was ruined.

I sway.

Cleo jumps to the floor and leads me to sit down in a chair. “You’re remembering now, aren’t you?”

My eyes flood with tears. “Yes. I can’t believe I forgot.”

“That’s just one time. There were so many others. They made you this way, Gem. They made you feel like if you aren’t being perfect and doing all of these things for them, they’ll reject you.”