“I really fucking hope you’re right, Molloy,” I said honestly. Because they could talk about college degrees to me until the cows came home, but the only career I’d ever been interested in pursuing was under the bonnet of a car.
PART ELEVEN
BACK TO BALLYLAGGIN
JOEY
After spending forever thinking it would never happen, it finally did.
The day I had been both living for and dreading since my mind came back to me had arrived.
August 29th 2005.
D day.
The first day of the rest of my life, or so I had been told.
Fuck.
The terms of my discharge came with stipulations though. Stipulations I’d agreed to in order to get out but could hardly bear thinking about now.
Stipulations that included blazers.
Standing outside the rehabilitation facility that had been my home since my own had burned to the ground, I dutifully ignored the elderly porter standing beside me.
The fuck was he going to do if I tried to escape? I had no plans on running and even if I had, my conscience would never allow. Poor bastard would probably keel over trying to chase me.
With a duffel bag thrown over one shoulder, and a folder clutched in the other hand, I watched as a shiny Range Rover pulled up beside the footpath.
Breathe.
Just breathe.
A not-so-little part of me was screaming at me to run for the hills, get the hell out of dodge and far away from these people. I didn’t, I held firm, keeping my two feet locked in place as the tinted window rolled down and I was faced with a familiar blonde woman, who looked nothing like the woman who bore me.
"Hello, love." Edel beamed out the car window at me. "I would jump out and throw my arms around you, but I’ve been given strict instructions by John to lay off the hugging.”
Thank Christ for that.
“Climb on in, love,” she added, shifting her sunglasses onto the top of her head. “It’s a long drive home, and the boys can't wait to see you."
Knowing that this woman held any future access I hoped to have with my siblings in the palm of her hand, I relented any notions of fleeing, and swung the car door open.
"Thanks again for coming to pick me up." Tossing my bag into the backseat, I climbed into the passenger seat beside her, feeling twitchy and off-kilter as fuck. "And, ah, for the rest of it."
"Anytime, Joey, love," Edel replied, as she pulled back onto the road. "How are you feeling?"
Ironically, Matchbox Twenty's Unwell was playing on the car stereo, and for a brief moment, I debated telling her that I felt more than a little unwell, before settling on the standard, "I'm grand," instead.
Glancing sideways, Edel cocked a brow and gave me a 'don’t bullshit me' look before turning her attention back to the road.
Behave, lad.
Don’t fuck this woman off.
Knees bopping restlessly, I wiped my sweaty palms on my thighs, and blew out a breath, feeling both claustrophobic and agitated.
Life had moved on for everyone since I left Ballylaggin.
I no longer had a job, a team, a mother, or a fucking role to play.
I had to start from scratch, and regardless of the amount of counseling I had, I didn’t know where scratch began for me.
The only arrow pointing the way for me now, was the one directing me straight towards Molloy.
"Shannon is just dying to see you," she continued, tone light. "She's been in the kitchen since the crack of dawn with Ollie and Sean – they're baking you a cake."
Jesus.
"How are they?" I forced myself to ask her before swallowing deeply. Feeling a white hot, scorching pain from the words, from the realization that I'd as good as abandoned my little brothers and sister when they needed me most.
She smirked before saying, "They're grand."
Reluctantly, my lips tipped up of their own accord. "I suppose I deserved that one."
"The boys are doing just fine, love." She smiled then, a huge, megawatt grin. "In fact, they're doing better than anyone could have hoped for, given the circumstances."
Thank Christ for small mercies.
"And Shannon?"
Grinning, Edel rolled her eyes. "Your sister is loved up to the hilt with my young fella. They're like an old married couple at this stage. Keeping them apart is the main challenge these days."
"I can imagine," I replied, all the while knowing that the very last thing that I ever wanted to do on this earth was imagine that particular scenario.
“Actually, I wanted to run something by you.” Reaching for the radio, she turned the volume down. “I thought, with them both living together, that it would be safer for everyone involved to take Shannon to the doctor.” She cast a nervous glance in my direction. “She’s on the pill since June, love. I hope that’s alright by you.”
The fact that she was asking my permission did something to me.
She was treating me like an equal, not a child, and I was grateful.
“No, that’s definitely a wise decision,” I replied. “I mean, it’s not bulletproof.“ I paused and gestured to myself. “Clearly. But it’s good that she’s protecting herself.”
“I’ve warned them to keep their hands off,” Edel continued. “But you know the way these things go. I can only do so much.”
Yeah, I knew how it went.
Molloy and I had been plenty inventive back in the day.
"Listen." Clearing my throat, I rolled my sleeves up to my elbows, while I shifted around in discomfort, trying to form the words that would never come close to what needed to be said. "I can never repay you and John for what you've done for my family…” I paused and dragged in a pained breath, before adding, "For what you've done for me." Fuck, I hated this with every fiber of my being. "I'm still not sure why you did what you did – or why you continue to help us – but I think it's pretty clear that it takes a special sort of person to take in a family like you've done for us. I don’t have anything to give you in return, I don’t know if I ever will, but I'll do everything I can to pay you back for —”
"I love your family, Joey," she cut me off by saying, voice thick with emotion. "Each and every one of you.” She winked. “Especially you."
Especially me.
Well shit.
I had nothing to say in return to that.
Because the truth was, I didn’t love her.
My heart just didn’t beat the same way as my siblings.
In fact, I was fairly certain that it didn’t beat right at all.
In that moment, it felt like there was steel in my windpipe, blocking the air from escaping my lungs, and preventing the words that needed to be spoken from spilling from my lips.
Maybe it was just as well that I didn’t love the woman in the driver's seat. After all, I had either let down or successfully ruined every woman that had managed to breach the walls around my cold, black heart.
My mother.
My sister.
My girlfriend.
Thinking about the girl I'd left behind in Ballylaggin at the beginning of the summer caused a swell of guilt so strong and severe to build up inside of me that I truly felt I might drown. The guilt made me itch and burn and fucking yearn to escape the confines of this woman's luxury car.
No, scratch that, it made me want to use.