Because, as ridiculous as it sounded, we had an even bigger problem.
“When you say that you’ve got a handle on it,” I said warily. “What you actually mean to say is that you had a momentary slip in sanity for a few weeks, but you’ve come to your senses, and will never do it again, right?”
Say it.
Please just say it.
Tell me that you’re trying again.
All I need you to do is keep trying.
“I’m good, Molloy,” he insisted, tone light. “It’s all good. You don’t have anything to worry about. I’m in control here.”
I’m in control here.
Devastation flooded me.
My heart cracked in my chest. “That’s not what I asked you, Joey.”
“Everything’s fine.”
Pain.
It threatened to swallow me whole.
“Say it,” I demanded hoarsely. “Tell me that you’re trying again.”
He didn’t respond.
“Tell me that you’re stopping, Joe. Better yet; tell me that you’ve already stopped.”
“I just told you that I’m good,” he replied, tone sharp, as he stood up, walked to the other side of my room, and made a half-assed attempt at inspecting one of the doors he’d hung on my wardrobe. “Stop worrying, okay? It’s all good.”
“Good?” I hissed, reaching for my school skirt and pulling it on. “I’ve been here before with you, remember? I’ve walked this path with you a thousand times, and if you’re using again, then you’re not good, and if yesterday’s anything to go by, then you sure as hell aren’t in control.”
“You’re wrong,” he bit out, still inspecting the door. “You’re overreacting here.”
“And you’re delusional,” I hissed, pulling my school jumper over my head. “And a goddamn liar.”
“Molloy.”
“No.” I shook my head. “Don’t Molloy me, asshole. You can’t sweet talk yourself out of this one. I am not okay with this, I have never been okay with this, and I never will be.”
Shrugging, he closed my wardrobe door and turned to face me. “Then I don’t know what to tell you.”
“How about you start by explaining to me what possessed you to go back down this road?” I threw out there, bitterly hurt by his actions. “And don’t even think about blaming it on what your father tried to do to me, because I found your stash the day before that even happened, Joey.”
He tensed. “What are you talking about?”
“I found a bag of prescription tablets in the pocket of your sweatpants.”
He narrowed his eyes. “Why were you searching my clothes, Aoife?”
I narrowed mine right back at him. “I wasn’t searching your clothes. I was looking for something to wear. But more importantly, why were they there in the first place, Joseph?”
“Those pills weren’t mine.”
“No? Then why were they in your pocket?”
“I’m telling you, Molloy, I didn’t buy those.”
“I don’t believe you.”
“Fine.” He shook his head and exhaled a frustrated growl. “Believe what you want.”
“It wouldn’t be the first time you’ve lied to me.”
“Well, I’m not fucking lying about this,” he spat, and then threw his hands up in frustration. “I messed up, okay? I get it. I fucked up. I thought you were done, and I threw in the towel. I gave the fuck up, because, in case you haven’t noticed, Molloy, aside from you, I don’t have a whole fucking lot else going for me. In my mind, you were done and I couldn’t see a reason to keep this bullshit fa?ade up.”
“What bullshit fa?ade?” I demanded.
“The one where I pretend to be someone I’m not,” he snapped. “Everything I did, all of the changes that I made, I made for you. And then you were gone, so I just…” He threw his hands up in defeat. “Stopped fighting my nature.”
“Your nature?” I gave him a hard look. “That’s not your nature.”
He shrugged, but didn’t respond.
“So, because we’re going through a rough patch, you took it as a green light to throw the last three months away?”
“My father tried to fuck you, Molloy,” he growled, tone hoarse. “And in your eyes, I look just like him, remember? I’d say that’s more than just a rough patch.”
And there it was.
The reasoning behind every bad decision my boyfriend had ever made came back to his father.
“I was hurt.” I tried to reason with the part of him that was hellbent on self-annihilation. “I was afraid. I was in shock. I was fucking reeling, Joey. I didn’t mean a word of what I said to you that night, and you know it, so stop trying to make me feel bad for it.”
He flinched like I had struck him. “If you know me at all, and you’re probably the only one that does, then you’d know that I would never do that to you,” he bit out, looking hurt. “I deserved your pain that night. I fucking deserved everything you said to me and more.”
“I know you wouldn’t,” I sighed, pressing a hand to my brow, as my emotions continued to flatten me. “I know, Joe.”
“I’m not trying to make you feel bad about anything,” he continued to say. “But you asked me for an explanation and I’m trying to give it to you.”
“Well, I’m clearly not done with you,” I said, urging him to hear me. “Your father did a terrible thing, that’s true, but it isn’t on you. Nothing has changed for us, okay?”
“I didn’t know that.” His words were barely audible as he swallowed deeply. “I didn’t know.”
“Well, now you do,” I urged. “So, you need to knock this on the head again. Do you hear me? I need you to dust yourself off and keep trying.”
“I already told you that I have it under control this time.”
“See, that’s not good enough for me, Joe,” I heard myself reply. “I don’t want your assurances. I want your sobriety.”
“And you’ll have it.”
“I want it right now.”
“I don’t know if I can give you that.”
Panic seared me. “Why not?”
“Because I don’t want to lie to you,” he bit out. “I promise it won’t be like before.”
“No.” I shook my head, feeling my heart crack. “No, Joe.”
“Molloy.” Shoulders sagging in defeat, Joey released a resigned sigh. “I am what I am.”
There it was again.
That horrible fucking sentence.
I am what I am.
I hated those five words when they came from his mouth.
“Yes, and who you are is a hell a lot better than the person standing in front of me, reeling off excuses for doing something that he knows almost destroyed him before,” I snapped, hands planted on my hips, as I glared up at him. “You are a better man than this, Joey Lynch.”
“Maybe I thought I was.”
“You still are,” I strangled, wrestling with my panic and pain. “You are better than the lifestyle you’re determined to fall back into, and you sure as hell are a better man than Shane Holland, and you know it.”