“For?” he asks like he can’t stop himself.
“For being a dick to your date.”
“Whose name is …”
I huff. “Lee. His name is Lee.”
Beau’s lips twitch, and fucking hell the relief that flows through me is intense. “Is that all you’re sorry for?”
“Okay, full disclosure …” I scoot closer. “I’m not actually sorry for that. I don’t like him, he’s not good enough for you, and if we relived last night, I’d probably do it again.”
“Then—”
“I’m sorry for the stuff that came after. Outside your room. Almost kissing you.”
His inhale is sharp and loud. “You … that was …”
I wait him out.
“I wasn’t sure what that was.”
I give him a sad smile. “That was me not being fair to you.”
“What do you mean?”
“You made how you feel clear, and I’ll admit when I look at you, I …” Fuck, I don’t even know how to say it. “I think you’re gorgeous, and I think you’re amazing, but I don’t know where I’m at. It’s not fair of me to lead you on.”
“When did you lead me on?”
Is he not listening? “Last night.”
“No, you already told me where you were at. You don’t want a relationship—that’s fair after what you’ve been through. But you said you still want to hook up. Why can’t we do that?”
“Because it might hurt you.”
“And I can’t decide that?” He turns to me fully, drawing one leg up underneath him. “You’re the one who said last night that I need to be more assertive, so how’s this for assertiveness? I wanted you to kiss me. And then I would have dragged you inside my room, stripped you naked, swallowed your cock, and had you fuck me into the mattress. And this morning when I woke up, I would have felt incredible and had no regrets. You want to know how I woke up instead?”
I’m gaping at him, unable to answer after what just came out of his damn mouth.
“Instead, I woke up feeling like shit for pretending I liked when Lee kissed me and worried that I scared you off instead.”
There’s so much there to break down, but all I can focus on is “You … didn’t like it?”
“He backed me into the door and kissed me before I knew what was happening. Thank fuck you opened it.”
“Asshole,” I snarl. “So, why did you pretend you liked it, then?”
“To try and make you jealous, but after everything you’ve been through, I never should have done it. I feel terrible.”
I get what he’s saying, but even while trying to make me jealous, he was so … uncommitted to it. He just admitted that he was one hundred percent ready to take me to bed, and when I look at Beau, all I can see is a man so steadfast in his … whatever he thinks of me. And even with his terrible attempt at making me jealous, he feels bad.
Beau is a good guy. A seriously good, pure guy.
And it’s just occurring to me now exactly how far out of my league he is.
I laugh into my hands. “So you’re not going to see him again?”
“Nope. I already sent him a text thanking him for the date but making it clear I wasn’t after another one.”
“Well done.”
“No need to sound so smug.”
“Sorry, but …” I rub my chin. “I don’t know why everyone thought it would work.”
“To be fair, he didn’t sound douchey at all with his texts. And the things that annoyed me probably never would have come up with anyone else.”
“I knew he wasn’t good enough for you.”
“Yeah, I’m sure.”
“Seriously. A gold pin. On his blazer.”
“He only tipped ten percent too. After whining all night about poor service …” Beau trails off. “The date was horrible. He tried to give me a handie in the theatre.”
“Is he a teenager?” I ask, trying to hold back the jealousy that rears up at hearing that. “Did you let him?”
“Believe it or not, that one I could say no to.” Beau taps his fingers on his thigh. “Still, trying to convince him not here wasn’t code for let’s go to your car and make out wasn’t easy.” He meets my stare. “You’re right. I need to get better at telling people no.”
“You do.”
“Starting now.”
I groan. “You’re not supposed to use this new superpower on me.” But even though I joke, it feels sort of good to know that I’m one of the few people Beau is comfortable enough around to do it.
“I’m not going to let you tell me what’s good for me. I don’t care if it’s a rebound thing for you, but sex is on the table. You want it, you take it. We’re both single. We both like each other. I promise it won’t get messy, because I’ve had these feelings for a long time, and I’ve kept them in check.”
“But—”
“Nope. You’re not in charge of the way I feel. That’s up to me. And the way I feel is that I’d like to see your cock again. Many times. Maybe we even send a video to your ex of us going at it. And I wish I could say that was a joke, but I know how much it’d piss him off that I got to sleep with you when he knew about my crush the whole time.”
My eyebrows shoot up. “He did?”
“He did.” Beau grins cheekily. “And he hated it.”
“Like he had ground to stand on.”
“Right?”
We fall silent as I think about what Beau is offering. Hot sex, no expectations. But I can’t trust his assurance that he won’t get hurt. That’s not something he can control.
“I just don’t—”
Beau holds up his hand. “Don’t answer right now. You don’t actually need to give me an answer at all. Just know that if one day you decide you want to fuck me, I’m here.”
“Fucking hell …”
He shuffles closer, blue eyes bright. “Now that’s out of the way, can you teach me how to make those paper cranes?”
The question is so unexpected that I immediately agree. And that’s how we spend our Saturday. Last night forgotten, both of us ignoring our phones, and going through almost a whole pad of Post-it notes until the living room is covered with bright yellow paper birds.
It’s peaceful, and maybe this is what Art meant about taking my time. Instead of fighting the nerves that hit every time our eyes meet, I embrace them. I let myself have fun and get close to him. I could listen to him talk for days.
Beau finishes the crane he’s folding and sends it sailing my way. I snatch it carefully from the air and inspect his work, finding there, on the wing, a sneaky little love heart.
My gut gives a tiny flip, and a smile shoots across my face.
We both pretend not to notice.
20
Beau
My body has tripped back to kinda nocturnal but mostly fucked-up mode, so after the weekend, I barely see Payne. I’m up and down through the night and day and end up crashing hard over the afternoon when he’s home.
It sets me on edge because after our talk, things feel fragile between us.