Are you really going to do this?
Yes.
I pound my fist against the door. I don抰 stop either. I just keep knocking and knocking until it swings open, revealing the man on the other side.
My eyes eat him up and I allow myself this moment because after I say what I have to, he might hate me. I wouldn抰 blame him for it either.
He stands before me with sleep tousled hair, his chest on display for my eager gaze. There抯 that smattering of chest hair I loved so much that grows thicker beneath his navel, disappearing into his sweatpants that it looks like he haphazardly pulled on. He takes me in as well, looking confused. I抦 sure I抎 be equally confused if he showed up at my door looking like a drowned rat.
揥hy are you棓
揅an I come in??My voice is soft, cracking on the end.
揧eah.?He steps back, opening the door wider. 揂re you all right? You didn抰 answer my text earlier.?
He closes the door behind me, but we don抰 move away from it. It feels weird, standing in this foyer again. It looks exactly the same, like no time at all has passed. Six years is so short but so long all at the same time.
揑抦 fine, but I ?uh厰 I start get choked up. I don抰 want to get overly emotional telling him this. Fortifying myself, I look into his eyes and say the words that have been long overdue. 揑 can抰 go out on a date with you, not in good conscience, without telling you this first.?
He cocks his head to the side, eyes narrowed and skeptical. 揟ell me what??
I clench my hands together, my fingernails digging into the skin of my palms.
Spit it out, Salem.
揑 have a daughter.?
There. It抯 out there now. I can抰 take it back.
He gives me a funny look. 揧ou were worried I抎 be mad you had a kid? Do you think so little of mine??
揘o.?I exhale a weighted breath. 揑t抯 not that.?
揟hen what is it??He crosses his arms over his chest, leaning against the wall behind us.
I抦 thankful for that bit of extra space between us. It allows me a second to breathe air that isn抰 intoxicated with his presence.
I抦 realizing there抯 no good way to say this. No right words. Nothing to make it easier or better.
揇o you remember梩hat last time we had sex? You抎 been drinking and棓
His eyes narrow further until I can抰 even see the brown anymore. 揧es.?
I wet my lips, nerves sending a bead of sweat down my spine despite my wet clothes. 揑 got pregnant.?
揧ou got pregnant??he repeats, slowly, carefully, making sure he抯 grasping what I抦 saying. 揥ith my child??
揧es.?I抦 surprised the word comes out so sharp and clear when I feel so jittery on the inside.
He looks away, a surprised sound leaving him. It抯 almost a laugh, but not quite. 揚regnant??His eyes drop to my stomach like he expects it to find it rounded and full. It抯 not, but it is squishier than it used to be with stretch marks on my stomach and hips. 揥hy didn抰 you tell me??
I cover my face with my hands, letting my arms drop back to my sides. 揂 million different reasons and none of them are good enough. I was terrified. You were drinking yourself into oblivion and deep into grieving and I just ?I guess I thought if I couldn抰 manage to pull you out of this, then how would a baby? And I didn抰 want you to fake it for our baby抯 sake either.?Swallowing thickly, I add, 揧ou said you didn抰 love me anymore, didn抰 want me, and that scared me too because what if I told you and you thought I was trapping you.?I抦 rambling at this point, but that抯 how my thoughts were back then梐ll over the place. I was a terrified nineteen-year-old, practically a kid myself. 揑 stayed as long as I could梪ntil I realized I wasn抰 the person who could help you.?
揟hat抯 when you called Laith,?he fills in the blanks. 揇id he know you were pregnant??
揘o. Just Lauren at that point.?
He tugs on his hair, shaking his head lightly. 揥ow. This is a lot to process.?
揑抦 sorry. I should抳e told you a long time ago. I wrote you a letter one time and then chickened out and didn抰 send it. You抎 already rejected me, and I was so scared of what it抎 feel like if you rejected her too.?
He rears back, almost knocking his head into the wall. 揧ou thought I抎 do that??
揟hayer,?I say his name slowly, 搚ou turned into an entirely different person when Forrest died.?
His head lowers and he nods like he knows I抦 right. 揑抦 so fucking sorry.?
Now I抦 the one stumbling back. 揧ou抮e apologizing to me? Why??
Warm brown eyes meet mine. 揃ecause, I was an asshole to you back then. I wanted to push you away, and ultimately, I did, and fuck if it doesn抰 piss me off at myself that it was when you needed me most.?
揧ou needed to grieve.?
He clears his throat. 揥e both really fucked things up, didn抰 we??I don抰 answer him so he goes on, 揧ou said she抯 a ?I have a daughter??A tiny smile fights for space on his lips.
揧ou have a daughter and she抯 perfect.?Clearing my throat, I add, 揑 know I didn抰 tell you about her, but I didn抰 keep you a secret from her. She knows about you and Forrest too. She talks about her brother a lot.?
揥hat抯 ?uh ?what抯 her name??He抯 getting choked up talking about her, and even though this is going way better than I anticipated, somehow this makes me feel worse. I deserve his anger, for him to yell and scream, to cuss me out.
揝eda,?I reply, not being able to help myself when I smile at her name. 揝he抯 perfect and beautiful. Funny and creative. She抯 everything.?
He rubs his jaw, brown eyes pooling with tears. 揅an I see a picture??
揧eah.?I push my wet hair out of my eyes, shivering. 揑 have a million on my phone.?
He notices me shaking with cold. 揊uck, I should抳e offered you a shirt.?
揑t抯 okay. I抦 fine.?I shiver again.
Rolling his eyes, he mutters, 揕iar,?and heads up the stairs leaving me in the foyer.
He isn抰 gone long before he returns with a cotton shirt, extending it out to me.
We both seem to remember at the same moment another time I showed up at his door completely soaked from rain. Only that time I had Binx with me and I was confessing something entirely different, telling him about my past.
揟hank you.?I let myself into the downstairs bathroom and shuck off my wet jacket and tank top beneath, tugging the plain shirt down over my body. My nipples stand erect thanks to being in my cold, wet clothes so long. There抯 nothing I can do about it, so I just have to hope the looseness of his shirt helps camouflage it.
Stepping out of the bathroom with my wet clothes in hand, I set them by the door and find him in the living room sitting on the couch waiting for me.
A bottle of water sits in front of him with a Diet Coke beside it.
Pointing at the soda before I take a seat, I say, 揧ou don抰 drink that stuff.?
揘o.?He eyes the can, then me. 揃ut you do.?
揧ou just keep Diet Coke on hand in case I show up??
He looks away, like he doesn抰 want me to see him vulnerable in this moment. 揈ver since you came back.?
Why梬hy does that one gesture want to send me into a fit of tears?
Picking up the soda, I take a sip and settle beside him. Unlocking my phone, I bring up all my albums of Seda. Deciding to start at the beginning, I show him a few photos from when I was pregnant with her. His smile is sad, but wistful. He抯 handling this extremely well, but that doesn抰 erase all the guilt eating away at me.
I never wanted things to end up like this.
I certainly didn抰 expect to get pregnant. But when I did, there was a moment when I imagined us together. The three of us. A family.