My voice is barely above a whisper when I prompt, 揥hat do you mean??
揧our mom had been gone a few days, so when she came back, I asked her if everything was okay.?He pauses, rubbing his brow like it still pains him to remember this. He continues to look away from me, like it抯 too much to meet my eyes. 揝he said she had been gone for a wedding. I don抰 know what made me ask whose wedding, but I did, and she said it was yours.?His voice grows weak with emotion. 揑 had just made the decision to find you桰 tried calling and texting, but I think you抎 changed your number at that point. I was too late.?He finally looks at me, and I see years of pain, regret, and even love in his brown eyes. 揑t抯 what I deserved.?
揌ow did we let everything get so messed up??
He runs his fingers through his hair, blowing out a breath. 揌ubris gets all of us at some point. I tried to convince you, and myself, that you were better off without me and hurt both of us in the end.?He stares down at his hands, flexing his fingers. 揑 knew you were it for me, though, that I抎 never love another person the way I love you. So, it抯 just been me, here,?he waves a hand at his house, 揳lone. I decided that was my punishment梩o have tasted something real and to be denied it for the rest of my existence because I pushed it away.?
I stay fixated on the fact that he used love in the present tense. 揇o you still love me then??
揑 don抰 want to scare you.?
Shaking my head back and forth rapidly, I plead, 揑 just want you to be honest.?
We抳e both spent too much time not saying what we really mean and I抦 tired of it. So much can be wasted by keeping things to yourself.
揑 never stopped loving you, Salem. Not once. Not for a minute, not even for a second.?
Tears burn my eyes. I moved on thinking he truly didn抰 want anything to do with me and all this time?
揥hy are we like this??I ask the heavens more than him.
揘ot everything is clear cut in life, Salem. Sometimes things blur and we fuck things up. We抮e all human.?
揑 still loved you, but I married someone else. I thought you were over me and that I had to move on, so I did梐nd this whole time ?this whole fucking time.?I stand up, facing him. 揇o you not see how fucked up this whole thing is??
揃elieve me, I know.?
I cover my face with my hands. 揥e抮e quite the pair,?I mutter.
揧ou had every right to move on,?he says softly, carefully. 揑 didn抰 leave you with any hope that we抎 get back together. I know you loved Caleb ?it makes sense that you went back to him.?
揌e deserved better.?
I loved Caleb, still love him in a certain way, but that doesn抰 change the facts. He wasn抰 Thayer, he never could be, some loves are only once in a lifetime. I know he made his choices, just like I did, but it doesn抰 mean I don抰 regret feeling like I dragged him along. I never meant to, but I抦 not sure that makes it any better.
揝it down,?he pleads, pointing to the spot beside him I got up from. 揧ou抮e getting worked up.?
揙f course, I am!?I throw my hands in the air. 揑抦 a shitty person. I ruined his life.?
揑t doesn抰 make you a shitty person to move on with your life. I know you, Salem, and you wouldn抰 have married him if you didn抰 have genuine feelings for the guy so stop punishing yourself. I loved Krista and even though we didn抰 make it, I don抰 think for a minute I ruined her life, or she did mine. We weren抰 meant to last but that doesn抰 mean there wasn抰 something valuable in what we had. Stop punishing yourself.?
Stop punishing yourself.
His words strike deep, like they were meant to, and he抯 right梞y time with Caleb might not have been meant to last forever, but that doesn抰 mean it was cheap. I did love him, we had a good life together.
揑抳e hated myself so much,?I finally admit out loud.
He reaches for my hand and takes it, tugging me forward. 揧ou have to stop.?
揑 don抰 know how.?
揑t抯 not always easy to forgive yourself梩here is no step-by-step process. Just remember no one is perfect.?He lightly touches my cheek with his other hand. 揂t the end of the day, we抮e all human, and not a single one of us is better than another.?
I know he抯 right, but it抯 easier said than done.
揝it down,?he says again, softer this time. 揕ife抯 too short to constantly be stuck on the past or obsessing over what ifs. We have this.?He waves to the world around us. 揥e have now.?
I know he抯 right, but that doesn抰 make it any easier.
Settling beside him, I rest my head on his shoulder and we watch the last of the sun disappear together.
CHAPTER 20
SALEM
Staring at the text from Thayer, something sinks in my stomach.
揑s something wrong??My mom notices my expression change from normal to worried.
揙h, yeah, I抦 okay. Nothing抯 wrong.?I put my phone back in my pocket and return to folding laundry.
揧ou can抰 bullshit your mother, Salem. Out with it.?
Those mom senses really are too good sometimes. 揑t抯 nothing, really.?
揑抣l pry it out of you eventually.?She coughs, her throat dry. 揧ou might as well tell me.?
I know she isn抰 going to let it go. 揑 got asked out on a date. He just texted a day and time to see if it was okay.?
揝o, why did you look so ill? Is he not a good guy??
揑t抯 not that.?I add a shirt to my stack.
揟hen what is it? You抮e not giving me a lot to go on here. I抦 dying, time is of the essence.?
I pick up a pair of cutoff shorts. 揑 wish you抎 stop saying that.?
揥hy? It抯 true. Tell me about this guy, please. I need the distraction.?
I抳e decided maybe her constant need to remind me that she抯 dying is her own coping mechanism. It doesn抰 make much sense to me, but I guess whatever makes her feel better.
Lowering my head, I whisper, 揑t抯 Thayer.?
揟hayer? Next door Thayer??
Shockingly, she doesn抰 sound that surprised. More excited than anything else.
揟he one and only,?I reply, moving the shorts to the growing pile.
揌e抯 a good man, but what抯 the problem??
I look up at the ceiling, fighting the burn of tears in my eyes. 揑t抯 too soon,?I say, which is partially true.
The other reality is, that there抯 a stone sinking in my gut because I can抰， not in good conscience, go on a date with Thayer before I tell him about Seda. I抦 tired of this hanging over me, I have to put the truth out there, but I don抰 know how.
I don抰 say any of that to my mom, though. She doesn抰 know about my past with Thayer, and I抦 not ready to divulge that. I抦 aware I might never get the chance to tell her, but again, there抯 no way I can tell her the truth before I tell Thayer.
揑t抯 never too soon to open your heart to love again. I made that mistake, thinking I couldn抰， now look at me.?She shrugs her bony shoulders. 揑抦 going to die, never know true love, never knowing a good man. I had you girls, and my store, and other dreams realized, but sometimes I do wish I抎 allowed myself to open my heart to someone.?
揑抣l think about it.?My phone sits like a heavy weight in my pocket.
I know I technically already agreed to this date, but now that he抯 put a day and time on it, it抯 so much more real.
But I have to tell him.
I just don抰 know how.
Rain pounds against my bedroom windows, trees blowing relentlessly. I wish I could say it抯 the summer storm keeping me awake, but it抯 not. My thoughts keep going around and around. There抯 no silencing my mind.
Throwing the covers back, I toss a jacket on and shove my feet into an old pair of flip-flops. Slipping down the stairs and quietly past my mom, I let myself out the door. As soon as I step from beneath the cover of the porch, I抦 pelted with rain. By the time I make it next door I抦 drenched.